screaming of the soul

lately...

2011-12-12T21:16:00.002-05:00

i could tell you what you want to hear. "i'm fine, just tired" or "i'll be okay once i rest" or "it's just the weather getting me down". but it wouldn't be true.
it hurts to try and care, let alone actually do it. you just get hurt, so why do it? that's all that ever happens to me. i open my heart, care, let someone else in....and a week later, a month, maybe even a few months later it's all gone and i'm left with the hurt. the crushing loneliness and the sleepless nights spent crying until i feel like i could never cry again.
i'm sorry i've hurt you in all my confusing ways. my brother who does nothing but help. the one guy that tried and tried. my twin. my best friend. others that i probably do not even know.
every day, i feel like i've gone bipolar or something. half the time i have no idea where i stand, the other half all i want to do is curl up in a ball on my bed and cry until sleep takes over for my exhausted body.

should you need it....

2011-10-02T21:02:00.002-04:00

Hotline: 1-630-482-9696
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433
LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255
Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743
Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438
Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673
Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272
Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000
Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253
For any problem (for teens): 1-877-968-8454

2011-07-11T20:48:00.003-04:00

Want to win some Harry Potter stuff?

one day…

2011-07-01T19:41:00.002-04:00

One day, I will find him.

He will be dark haired, and have blue eyes, and a charming (and disarming) smile. He’ll catch me off-guard. Maybe he’ll be

in one of my classes, or work with me, or bump into me at the mall and offer to buy coffee.

We’ll become friends. And I’ll slowly introduce him to everyone I care about, starting with those that are like family and working my way to the actual one. He’ll have to be approved by Eric and Alex (for even if we dated before, he still knows me very well), and will hopefully become friends with them. Then he’ll meet TJ, and Bren, and Audra, and Jess. And my

family. My family will love him, by the way.

He’ll understand my clingy nature, and not be annoyed if I call him 3+ times if he doesn’t answer. He will be spontaneous and romantic and take me on old-fashioned dates and to the bookstore for a whole day. He’ll understand when I cry during movies, and argue about Harry Potter with me. He’ll be as well-versed in books as I am, and love cheesy Disney

movies and understand that Nutella makes everything better.

He’ll go shopping with me and not get annoyed - just tell me I’m beautiful in all the dresses I try on. We’ll spend days just

lying in the grass, watching the clouds, and talking.

He won’t disappear and leave me lonely. If he can’t get to me, or knows he won’t be able to call later, he’ll do it earlier and

let me know. And he won’t cancel dates unless it’s terribly important, and he’ll never make up excuses.

He’ll get along with my friends, and his will like me too. And if they don’t and say something terrible about me, he’ll

actually stand up for me. He’ll show them that I’m important too.

He’ll love me.

remind me how to be happy

2011-06-29T08:50:00.001-04:00

I don't know how to do it alone

what am i s'posed to do, when the best part of me was always you?

2011-06-27T21:17:00.001-04:00

It shouldn’t be this much to ask. To have you call me back, or at least not make it so I end up calling you three or more times before I give up. To not have to feel hopeless and helpless and generally just lost in every sense of the word.

I’m simple. I really, truly am. I like to know I can rely on you, especially on such simple a thing as calling me back.

I feel like I’m just something on the side for you. There when it’s convenient and when you want it, but when you don’t…well, then you just simply don’t. Then you simply just don’t answer the phone, don’t message me back, don’t do anything.

This is why I hate the distance. It would be one thing if I could come see you more, if there were more things we could do. But with a 25 mile distance (though not grand, admittedly) there is less and less I’m finding. Rides are trouble enough – neither set of parents wants even a weekly drive either way, much less both. It’s a hassle, and I understand that. But that shouldn’t be what keeps you away, should it?

All I seem to know is that, lately, all I do is hurt. I’m granted brief reprieve when you decide to answer your phone, or actually follow through with plans (which you always seem to have some flimsy excuse to have to cancel on me for).

I love you, but I do not love this.

And it kills me how much it hurts sometimes.

will you let me stay a while?

2011-06-13T10:56:00.000-04:00

I wish you could see yourself the way I do. All the planes and angles and curves of your face, your arms, your chest. All those places I have grown to know so fondly.

I wish you could look through my eyes, through my soul, see and feel all that I do. Maybe then you could understand. Maybe then you would be gentler on my heart.

it's getting harder to believe in anything

2011-06-03T11:07:00.000-04:00

I just don't know what to do. I'm sick and tired of getting left behind, of only being there when it's convienant, of getting left behind to sit in the hallway by myself.

I went to Alex's seminar to see him, to work on each others' stuff and spend the second to last seminar ever with him. But no. No, 7 minutes into it, he gets pulled off to practice. The guy could have told him last night, but he didn't, so I got to sit in the hallway by myself and look like a complete and utter loser.

I'm sick of it.

I'm always left behind, I'm always the second choice, I'm always the last one picked. But, hey, if you have some huge problem, guess who's the first person you come to, whether you know me that well or not.

I hate this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

sigh

2011-05-18T19:54:00.002-04:00

Today started off so well, then went downhill so fast. Woke up early, got to get some Mickey D’s for breakfast, got to school early and had time to relax (if I get there too late, it stresses me out >.<)….

Then Alex flipped because he forgot a paper for Physics.

Calmed him down, went to TA and got a terrible scene where my character has a dead 4 year old. Got to math, and we had fun because it was a blow off class today (our teacher realizes that none of us care anymore).

Fast forward to lunch.

He found out his Econ teacher lost his papers. I believe it - he did the same to me last semester. But what does he do? He depresses out, lies down and takes it, and gets in the worst mood ever. And takes it out on me.

I know he didn’t mean too, that he’s just not a person you want to be around when he’s upset, but still. It’s not my fault!

And now? Now our big 6 month date is cancelled because he is “grounded until further notice”.

I hate everything

the voicemail letter

2011-04-08T08:50:00.002-04:00

I am a writer. A dreamer. A reader, most importantly. I am the “poor, mad girl back home”. I am a hopeless romantic, a doer, a mediocre photographer, addicted to Diet Mountain Dew and mini Cadbury eggs and clumsy and listen to bad music and love Disney movies. I triple knot my shoe laces and they still come undone by the end of the day. I’m a girl that, instead of stuffed animals, has books crowded on her bed (oh, the times I’ve woken up with words imprinted on my skin!). I have devoured many a book in one day, in hours, refusing sleep until the last page so I might be satisfied.

My blood flows ink and words, colorful allusions and metaphors; and every thought is as a book. I map out conversations such as dialoge and try to figure out the plot of everyone’s lives so that I might one day learn the plot of my own (although I suspect you have some to do with it).

We are reading the story of our lives

As though we were in it

As though we had written it

~ Mark Strand

I am a collector of vague words and lost phrases and people’s quirks. ‘Pulvis et umbra sumus’ – we are but dust and shadows. Sleep-warm. ‘I was dying of wanting’. Tá mo chroí instigh intí. “And from death I return with words.” I speak in some loose collection of words, phrases, thoughts stolen from others. One minute I am Clary Fray, another Lizzie Bennett, another Gemma Doyle, Hermione Granger, Rose Hathaway, Kaye Fierch, Katniss Everdeen, Almathia. I am broken verses strung into a symphony of sound. I am quotes and stars and momentos and books. Oh, how I am books!

I am a girl, a thing usually deemed fragile though I try not to be. But I am, and it’s simply terrible at times. I am strong for others, weak for myself. A caregiver of sorts, latching onto the unfortunate and the needy and the lost.

And then there is you.

You, with your music and guitars and jazz and your smile. That smile, that I love. When it pops out after something particularly clever (or stupid) I’ve said, when I can feel it when you’re kissing me, when it’s so automatic that one side quirks up before the other and the smile starts in your eyes before it hits your mouth.

How your music is everything, and there’s a song for every moment. Is there one for me, I wonder? I should hope not, but I do, darling, I do. How the range of your music is everything I could hope for in mine.

The fact you’re just as comfortable in a plain shirt as a sweater vest (though, no offense to them, but when you’ve taken them off and are down to just the button-down and roll the sleeves up I swoon) and are just so you in everything you do.

Everything you’ve dreamed up for us and how it makes me not want to live in my books anymore. Makes me want to live, with you. To just simply be, together, as two halves of a whole.

Or a hole, one we’ve dug together that could be scary but instead is comfortable and quaint and pretty perfect.

How I can read any book, pretend to be anyone and fall in love through words time and time again (often with the same characters) and every single time it is nothing compared to you. To how you love me.

And maybe it’s not how I feel about you – it’s how I don’t feel anything close to this for anyone else. Maybe it’s how I can never pin down exactly what shade of blue your eyes are or how I can’t explain how I feel about you without grinning like a schoolgirl. Or how I can listen to any love song and relate it back to us. How I have been writing til my hand hurts to try and convey to you the depth of my affection.

How I worry about giving you this, simply because I overthink everything for fear of screwing this – of screwing us – up.

How you are not Mr. Darcy or Peeta or Kartik or Dimitri Belikov, JAce Morgenstern, Ron Weasley, The Great Wizard Schmendrick, Roiben Rath Raye but at the same you’re so much more. You are every good part of every book, movie and song that I was already in love with, some from childhood. Truly.

How I could write tens of hundreds of things, compose sonnets, write novels, compose music or stand under your window with a boombox like those 80’s movies (though with my luck, you’d choose that night to sleep in the basement) and it wouldn’t be enough.

“Time together is just never quite enough.”

“When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home.”

[…]

“So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?”

“All the time, all the time”

~Saltwater Room, Owl City

You, with your jokes I don’t get and your coffee and every little thing about you. Blue and green. Your scarf. Chase. You want to do graphic design. You want to get out of this place as much as I do.

You, with your soothing words and just-right comments. How you can be talking to someone else and yet tracing circles on me and I melt. You with your games and friends and secret place I don’t know how to find yet (I can’t wait to, one day). How I want to one day understand you, all of you, how I understand myself. Maybe more. How you say things and I believe you, and it scares the living hell out of me most of the time because everyone has left me at some point for some reason and I’ve learned to not trust. But you, you, oh you make me trust you with every word of the future you offer me – and I take, quite greedily.

2011-04-03T20:52:00.001-04:00

alex: so there’s this absolutely gorgeous girl in my class. ive been in love with her since, like, 7th grade

me: wow

alex: she means near the world to me. she always has. sometime i don’t really know if she knows that, to be honest

me: well, maybe she’s one of those annoying people who always need to be told stuff like that. one of those insecure girls, who can’t believe how lucky she is.

alex: well i’ll gladly keep telling her. and she’s not lucky - she deserves it. every bit of it

me: how so?

alex: she’s fantastic in every way. everything she does is great. she’s worked hard in everything ive known of - she deserves someone who will give her the kind of attention

dear alex

2011-04-03T20:50:00.001-04:00

I love you because you say things like ‘wacky’. And like waffles with PB or Nutella. Because you know how to make me feel special and beautiful, which is a really hard thing. Because you do crazy things like saying

you: yeah, really :) hell, for all i know i might love you or some crazy shit like that ♥
me: woah woah woah man. that there are so heavy words. you sure you mean them? ;)
you: if i said yes would you hold it against me? :)

just because you know it’ll make my night while you’re at work and we can’t really talk. And it did.

I love you for you and how amazing you are. How you are sweet and kinda and good and it’s all like a fairytale. One five years in the making, and it’s like good wine - it got better over the years.

I love that you are my best friend and my boyfriend. That I can trust you with all the crazy going on in my life and know you’ll still be there for me no matter what. I love that you’re you and I’m me and we’re together. Finally. At last. After all the stubbornness and “No, not going to” and generally just being dumb (all three on my part, since you were always the smart one)

I love that you let me steal your hoodies and don’t complain when, a week later, I want a different one because the one I have doesn’t smell like you anymore. I love when you’re playing your guitar, when you’re singing (you’re going to make it into Varsity Voices, I know it), when you’re cracking jokes. When you squeeze my hand and look into my eyes and all I can see in them is love.

I love that you love me, and make me want to be more. That you listen to me rant or make up silly plans and just go along with it. That you protect me for little things (like certain people we know) and don’t even question why I don’t like being around them. How you are gallant and noble and amazing. Like my own personal knight out of a storybook.

How you’re persistent, and convinced you’re going to win me a Kindle. How you make me believe you about that, even if I do think you’re being ridiculous.

I love how you’ve made me secure and grounded and made me realize that you really do love me and I need to shut up about being all insecure about it. I love that you love my weird, random little notes I write you at the end of the day with whatever’s on my mind. Or doodle really weird, crappy pictures.

How you understand me at my oddest. Like my “we need different levels of love” rant I went on the other day. How you will give up seeing the movie you want to see to go see the (terrible) one I want to.

But mostly? Mostly I just love you for everything that you are.

I just love you, Alex.

Plain and simple.

Forever and always.

"they get together in the end, don't they?"

2011-04-03T20:46:00.003-04:00

daydreamin~

2011-03-01T14:14:00.004-05:00

so, we were in college, probably, mid or at the end. idk where we were, i think somewhere around dave and mike because we were cleaning our apartment and they were coming over for dinner or something. and we were like “gah, we have to clean up,” but neither of us wanted to get out of bed because we were snuggling and all happy and still half asleep.

so i said “well, i’ll go make french toast or something” as an incentive to get you up.

it didn’t work. i tried to get up and you just pulled me back down around my waist and buried your head in my shoulder, kissing my neck. “no, not gonna happen.”

and i fake grumbled about it, because i didn’t want to get up anyhow, and we just laid there for a few minutes.

“i like this,” you said.

“i know, me too.”

“no, i really do.”

“i know”

but you kissed me and kept telling me i didn’t understand and how everything was just amazing and cool and great.

county fair

2011-03-01T14:13:00.002-05:00

i don't know where or when this would be, because to my knowledge we don't have these sort of things around here, so maybe we were down south visiting my family or something?

but we were at a county fair. you know, all the old-school carnival rides and stuff? cotton candy and giant slides and horse-churned ice cream ♥ those crazy mirror mazes and the huge spaceship things? gravitrons? i love those. i rode one when i was littler about seven times in a row and wasn't even dizzy when i got off.

so, we went on all the rides, and you convinced me to go on the ferris wheel so you could kiss me at the top, even though i'm deathly afraid of heights. and we did it, and i was scared, but you held me and kept whispering that it would be fine because you were there. because you would always be there. and the sun was setting and it was beautiful and i looked into your eyes and told you how much i love you and how i always would.

we got off, finally, and went to go through the mirror maze. i got scared inside it (don't like being enclosed in small spaces) and kept thinking i saw you but it was a reflection of your reflection. finally, you ended up sneaking up on me because i started ignoring the mirrors and trying to get out. and you just held me and we laughed because i was freaking out.

move along, nothing to see here but angst

2011-02-18T21:09:00.000-05:00

I hate that I feel like you’re lying to me.

Why? Why do I think that or why do I hate it?

I think it because…well, it’s rather simple. You have so much homework you’re going to be “chained to the wall”? Okay, well, you got the homework on Thursday/Friday and have until Tuesday/Wednesday to get it done and turned in.That’s 4 days. How much homework could you possibly have to need to take that long? And if you really have that much work, then why the hell are you going out with your friends tonight? Especially because the three of you will get no sleep, playing MTG and whatever else until 5 in the morning. That eliminates like all of Saturday for you to work, because you’ll be so dead and tired.

And, no offense, but you’re not in a single Honors or AP class. The work load for those are intense, and I’m in 2 with not a lot of homework. Working on one paper, and one performance. That’s all I have. But even if I had a lot, it wouldn’t stop me. Not so much that I’d have to give up time with you. I’d cram it all in, work into the night, if it meant seeing you.

I’m so insecure and scared, and you say you know that but you don’t seem to care. Because if you did, you would have realized that you told me it wasn’t gonna happen this week, and I sat at my computer and sobbed.

This has happened to me before, babe.

The gradual release. Letting go slowly to “make it hurt less”.

It hurts more. Like a band-aid. If you rip it off fast, it at least hurts for less time.

I’m in no means thinking this is an end. I’m just worried. It’s what I do.

2011-02-16T11:44:00.000-05:00

It started, as things like this do, with a kiss.

Not one that set off fireworks, nothing really of not to any onlookers. No, it was a near-kiss, placed clumsily on the side of her mouth.

The last day of 7th grade, the taste of freedom on the tip of her tongue.

That was the beginning. But it was also an end. See, she wasn’t that smart then, so she made a mistake and called it off.

Now, the montage of the next 3 years or so. The brief encounters, the sometimes rekindled crush every once and a while, the ever shrinking gap between their groups of friends.

Now, the fall of their junior year. She’s got that crush bug again, and it’s staying longer than ever before.

Enough that other people are noticing. In fact, her best friend blabs to him before she even knows how to tell him herself.

It’s amazing.

i was so lost, but i'm back

2011-02-14T20:50:00.001-05:00

Happy Love Day :)

well, does she want me to make it now?

2011-02-12T14:20:00.000-05:00

So, today

Bought my prom dress
Got lace tights
Finished The Boy's Valentines present
....found out said the Boy's grade suck, so he's not allowed out on Monday.

I am excited about prom and everything, but...Monday was supposed to be kinda a Big Deal. And now it's not even a Small Deal. In fact, it's practically a Non-Existent Deal.

I only get to see him at school that day.

Sucks :(

The Vespertine

2011-02-02T09:46:00.000-05:00

Another contest, screamers. This time, I could win $300 for a prom dress - I've already got my eye on one that I've been wishing for.

Wish me luck!!

Blessed.

2011-01-14T15:51:00.001-05:00

So, seeing as I'm a reading fanatic, I decided to sit down and read Tantalize and Eternal by Miss Cynthia Leitich Smith.

To put it lightly, they ROCK.

And now, waiting ever so patiently (read: not at all, actually) for the arrival of the next book, Blessed, I spied this giveaway.

Needless to say, I need this. A Sanguini's menu wipe board? Postcards? Buttons?! What more could a girl want, right?

lost and found

2011-01-12T17:04:00.001-05:00

“You’re beautiful” and I’ve lost myself. I am nothing but those words, nothing more than these complex feelings you’ve brought to me, packaged into two small words.

And then another three: “I love you.”

You have found me.

dusk

2011-01-07T19:06:00.001-05:00

She danced on the fringes of moonlight, stars twinkling in her hands. The moon sat atop her head in a Milky Way diadem, night sky clouds drifting through her eyes.

He stood at the edge of daylight, molten lava flowing around him. Mountains formed behind him, lions stood beside him, sunlight shone from his eyes.

Their hands, lips, bodies met in the dusk. In that time when the world is neither day nor night. Neither hers, nor his.

And to this day, those that looked to the sky swore they saw fireworks.

*11 / 20 / 10

2011-01-02T20:56:00.002-05:00

and all I have is all of me and its all that I can give

2011-01-01T21:29:00.001-05:00

the party, xxxix (39)

2010-12-27T09:54:00.001-05:00

She pleads the same thing, everyday, like clockwork.

Whatever you want her to do, whatever you can promise to make him a permanent character, she’ll do it. In a heartbeat. Because this, she realizes, is what love should be. Being content to hear his voice if there’s no way to see him. Needing to hear him say “I love you” to sleep. Wanting him. Not like lust, no, because she would do anything to just have him hold her. Nothing more. Just to have him near, have him with her and not far away.

Eventually, people start to notice. “Ever few days, I think he appreciates you more than the few days before,” her mother observes one day. And when our girl asked him about it, he agreed:

“Why wouldn’t I – every day you give me something more to love,” he reasons.

It makes her smile. He makes her smile. Heck, even just thinking about him makes her smile. He’s everything she didn’t know she needed, or wanted. She is made beautiful simply when he looks at her. And for once in her life, she believes it when people say so. Doesn’t second guess, doesn’t just think they’re trying to be nice – really believes it.

She’s been in such an awesome place since she’s been with him. One of her friends, another from long before that our girl is reconnecting with (we’ll just refer to him as her brother, because he is in every sense except the, ya know, real one) pulls her to the side one day. “You look happy. That’s new. You haven’t been in a long time. I’ll let this one live,” he tells her, in his half-serious way that sometimes concerns her. But now it just makes her smile wider.

She doesn’t remember this kind of happy.

Not since high school started, at least. Not when she was a shell, a robot, on autopilot. Not with B. Not with A. Not with anyone else in the stretch of our tale.

But all of the sudden? It’s all good. Happiness and rainbows and butterflies. All that jazz and more. Much more.

And it’s all because of him.

the party, part xxxviii (38)

2010-12-27T09:53:00.002-05:00

But maybe Prince Charming doesn’t have a white horse.

Maybe he doesn’t have anything like those fairytale men, and maybe he doesn’t need to. Maybe he’s simply been there all along, in the back of the picture, hiding out and always being there when he’s needed. Always kind, always handsome, always him.

Maybe he’s the one that friends have pushed from the beginning, someone from before the scary world of high school. Someone who remembers our girl back when she had Chewbacca hair and braces, and still liked what he saw. Who has admitted that he would like to stay throughout the duration of the party of her life. Who is hesitant in his comments, put more stock in actions than in simply saying, “You are so beautiful.”

Our girl doesn’t mind.

She’s kinda head over heels. It would be simple to brush aside B, A…the others in her past, but that wouldn’t be fair.

What is fair, though, is to say everything is different with this boy. This boy gets a full name, for instance : Alex. He means to much to our girl; our silly girl who is just starting to figure out she’s never grasped loved before, never even glimpsed it.

It’s been right here all along.

In this wonderful boy, who understands her. Doesn’t make her second guess his feelings, calls her every day whenever he can (even on Christmas, sneaking out to ‘walk the dog’ and call her), and shows her that she is beautiful – to him. Nothing else really matters.

He brings her to dinner with his parents, his grandmother at a country club (yeah, crazy, right?!) and never says a word about how she looks. He doesn’t need to. It’s all in his eyes and how they seem to never leave her the entire night. The way he looks at her makes her want to hide for fear of him realizing she’s not as much as he seems to think she is. To apologize for not being whatever his image of her is.

Please, please world: don’t take this one away, she pleads, not him.

merry christmas, screamers (:

2010-12-25T18:58:00.001-05:00

so basically, i just want to curl up someplace inside your ribs, near your heart preferably, and live there for a while. cool?

2010-12-23T20:59:00.001-05:00

‎"ever few days, he appreciates you more than the few days before, i think" ~ my mom, about alex

2010-12-23T14:07:00.001-05:00

2010-12-20T18:59:00.000-05:00

So, I’ve been meaning to tell you how much you mean to me, but the words just hide whenever you’re around, and before I can grab onto them, the moment’s over and done with. I figure, though, what better way to do it all than to type it out, grab those words when the timing isn’t of the essence? Despite the fact…well, don’t make fun of me if everything’s not all pretty words and perfect grammar, okay? Here goes nothing.

You remind me of the weirdest things. Being a kid and not having to worry about anything except if the kid you usually play with will be at school or not. Fall days when it’s perfect outside, cool enough for hoodies but warm enough for flip flops. Apple cider or raspberry iced tea. Those moments when you feel invincible, like when you’re swinging at the park and feel your toes just barely graze that huge tree in front of you that you’ve been trying to catch for years now. When you actually catch someone smiling for real, not just because they don’t want people to know they’re sad. Opening up Christmas presents. Spinning on a merry-go-round until you can’t see straight afterwards.

I guess what I’m saying is you remind me of simple moments, perfect moments. When you feel so alive you can’t think of anything else but that moment. It might sound kinda cheesy, kinda lame, but I don’t care if I sound lame. I am lame sometimes. You’re pretty lame yourself sometimes, and you’re one of the best things that’s ever been mine, so lame can’t be all that bad, can it?

I’ve managed to find you out of the what? 9 billion people or whatever on this planet? And for that, I’m glad. And it’s not one-sided. I love listening to you, and listening to you listen when all I can do is babble. Having you to talk to, even when we’re both just playing Soul Caliber and talking about how badly we’re getting killed.

Maybe it sounds kinda crazy, I mean we’re kids and what do we know about forever and love and all that, but you are the first person where I don’t feel silly thinking about that kind of stuff. Where I don’t feel like I’m grasping at smoke. You’re someone I don’t think I’ll ever really get tired of. I also know, yeah, it’s one month, but it still means something, even if everyone says you only celebrate the first 6 months and then years. And for you and I, it may be one month technically, but at the same time it’s been so much longer than that. Our story started back in seventh grade, when you still talk to me even though my hair was reminiscent of Chewbacca most of the time. Or, maybe you could make a case for sixth grade when my friend made me sit by you in choir so she could have an excuse to be near you.

Usually I feel kinda trapped inside relationships, like a caged bird. And maybe, just maybe, I still am trapped. But with you? I’m just fine being trapped if it’s with you.

It’s not a fairytale by any means.

It’s so much more.

At least to me.

I still remember back then, when we were awkward Crossroads kids, thinking that holding hands was the biggest deal ever. If you held hands, your relationship was legit. You two were together. I still don’t understand why I wasn’t smarter than, why I didn’t hold on to you once you were there. Why I let you go.

But I don’t know if I truly ever did.

Maybe it didn’t seem like that, especially once we got to the high school, but…we were still friends.

And now. Oh jeeze, now.

I don’t know if you understand, Alex. I honestly don’t. When I say I love you, I mean it with every part of my heart. We are a story years in the making, and I don’t know…I can be myself around you. I don’t have to always be upbeat and happy – I can be me, and that is invaluable.

You are amazing. Honest, smart, funny, cute J…everything about you makes me love you. The way you laugh. When you do that slow-clap when I’ve done something stupid. When you trace circles onto my knee without even thinking about it, and it drives me crazy because all I want to do is kiss you. When you’ll kiss me in front of our friends, even when they pull out the awes and “EW! COOTIES!” and laugh.

When we’re both so awkward we can hardly talk (although we’ve mostly gotten past that). How our first kiss together was in front of the Apple store with you teasing me and Lenore and Daphne cheering from the sidelines (or, you know, behind the map of the mall, but whatever). How I can just see you and it makes me smile.

One of the best reasons? The fact that everyone says we’re “adorable” or “cute” together. I know that sounds kinda odd, but I love it. And when they tell me that I look happy – something I haven’t really been in a while, honestly.

But you. I just love you.

Everything about you.

How we can talk and not think of anything to say and it still feels comfortable. “So…yeah” “Yeah,” “Yeeeeeeah”. The fact you know I’m a romantic and know so much more about me. How we geek out over Goofy movies, and Miyazaki ones (I am going to get Whispers to work, because you need to see that one :P). How I was so awkward about it, but you said it back the first time I said, “I love you,” - via a picture of a Polaroid, but ya know, whatever J. When you tell me you want to kiss me. When you make me blush like crazy with one word, one look.

So….yeah J

Happy one month, babe.

I love you.

memo

2010-12-19T13:07:00.000-05:00

The last two parts of The Party were from September. I neglected posting them, until I noticed them sitting neat and tidy in their folder earlier in the week.

The boy they are talking about is not my current boyfriend.
It's Trevor.
Who broke up with me just as school was starting, and I was having to face A again for the first time in months.

My current boyfriend?
So much more than those two losers put together. So much more.
He loves me.
And he isn't just faking it, like they were.

2010-12-18T17:13:00.001-05:00

i was on your porch
the smoke sank into my skin
so i came inside to be with you
and we talked all night,
about everything we could imagine
cause come the morning i'll be gone
and as our eyes start to close,
i turn to you and i let you know,
that i love you

::sigh::

2010-12-14T16:11:00.001-05:00

the party, part xxxvii (37)

2010-12-13T15:49:00.002-05:00

Too bad knocking on wood doesn’t always work, and Sweet 16s aren’t always sweet.

Because, you see, this guy turned out to be another one that would chip away at our girl’s heart yet again. Another B, another A…another one she should have seen coming. Another one that would fall through on his promises, another one that would lie when he said he would never.

At least it’s not as bad as the previous two, though. They’re friends, they really are…but sometimes she sees him and all she wants to do is curl up in his arms again.

Sadly, this is not a new thing.

Maybe it’s the stress of junior year, maybe it’s everything else and pills, but all she wants to do is go to A. For a moment, go back to what they had. Be in the circle of his arms, the one place she felt safe then. It’s the Maine’s song “Into Your Arms”, kinda. All our girl, our sad little girl who just wants a break, is what she thought she came closest to with him.

Love.

All we all ever want is to be loved, right? Have someone to call our own, someone that calls us their own. Someone to kiss when you’re happy and hold you when you’re not. To make you laugh, to be a dork with you, to just be there. To love you, with all your quirks. To love you, in spite of them.

Sometimes, though, our girl gets so blue. Thinks that she doesn’t deserve that kind of love, won’t ever find it, could never.

It’s ridiculous, she knows.

But still. It’s there, in her thoughts. And it sucks, but what can you do? She certainly doesn’t know, or she’d have someone, wouldn’t she? Touché, I know. All she wants is her Prince Charming, her Aladdin, her Eric. That Disney fairytale every little girl is duped into believing they’ll get.

Well, her she is, begging for it. So, where are you, fairytale man? Stop being so stubborn, get off your white horse, and ask for directions already.

She’s getting rather impatient, and it’s bad manners to keep a lady waiting.

the party, part xxxvi (36)

2010-12-13T15:49:00.000-05:00

And she’s hoping it is, this time.

More than she deserves. Someone who can make everything seem better with just a glance, just a touch. Our girl doesn’t want to fall and be crushed, like last time. Doesn’t want to think everything great when, in reality, everything’s crumbling.

And she doesn’t think it’s going to happen this time. She’s starting over, and she thinks it’s about time. New age, new perspective, new look…it’s all starting to come together. And second chances, too, which is fairly amazing.

It looks like her 16^th year is going to be the best.

(Knock on wood, though) She doesn’t want to jinx anything. Just wants it all to be good, oh so good. The way they haven’t always been. She’s going to have her clubs and her sports and school and him. What more could a girl need? Like they say – “All a girl really ever needs is her best friends and a boyfriend who truly cares.”

And she has it, for the first time. Friends who are really friends, that are family in every sense of the word. Those that matter and that think our girl does too. A boyfriend who isn’t mental, who tells our girl every day how beautiful she is (even though she argues this point every time).

Yup, 16 is gonna rock.

Our girl can feel it in her veins, in every word they say. And kicking it off with a birthday themed after her two favorite books? Alice in Wonderland and Harry Potter? Yes, please! Tea and caldron cakes and Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans and cake that says “Eat Me” on it.

What more could one want?

After all, it isn’t called Sweet 16 for nothing.

links, links, links!

2010-12-13T15:45:00.002-05:00

Lookie here! http://member.mibba.com/197796/

That's me and my writer friend's page. And she put The Party up! http://stories.mibba.com/read/342248/The-Party/

2010-12-03T19:50:00.002-05:00

well for one, she's a bit of a romantic, but that's okay with me, i kinda like it. i like it a lot, actually.
oh really? that's cute
yeah, she is
awwwwwwwe more!
she seems to be kinda stressed lately since she's got a lot of stuff going on at school, hate seeing her like that, and i hope sometime she/we can just relax together
awe, i bet she does too. i heard she likes disney movies
oh really now?
well, yeah most girls do especially when they're stressed
maybe she'd like to sit down and watch a couple sometime?
probably
so maybe i should get together with her sometime over the next few weekends so we can sit down and watch some?
Yeah. Go for it!
alright, i'll talk to her about it sometime
Go you! I'm sure you'll have her in no time
and if i already do?
Then she is one lucky girl

after today

2010-11-29T18:55:00.002-05:00

stand out

2010-11-29T18:54:00.002-05:00

2010-11-28T20:09:00.001-05:00

2010-11-28T20:07:00.001-05:00

oh, baby it's cold outside

2010-11-27T20:46:00.002-05:00

Oh yeah.
That's the Glee Christmas album.
Be jealous
(or not, if you're like my bf and don't like them)
Either way, I got me some Darren Criss and Chris Colfer going on in here :)

the road outside my house is paved with good intentions

2010-11-26T14:24:00.000-05:00

you are the dreamer, and we are the dream
i could write it better than you ever felt it

it's gonna be a good day (:

i'm such an awkward kid

2010-11-24T21:35:00.001-05:00

you are the taste of something sweet

2010-11-24T21:11:00.000-05:00

guess the world does work in mysterious ways sometimes.

went better than i thought.

saw the boyfren. our first kiss, in front of the apple store.
yay :D

just drop us a beat...

2010-11-23T20:37:00.002-05:00

seriously? why?

the one day i want to go right, not a single thing does. my best friend gets grounded. my boyfriend has a road test. my "sister"...well, that's probably an entirely different story.

all i wanted was one day with the people i care about most. out of the 7 or 8 people i asked? 2 are going. and even then i have to pick both of them up.

it's just...sometimes i don't even know why i bother. why i organize these things in the first place. why make the effort if you're the only one? i don't get it.

i keep hoping that maybe they're all in it together, doing something to surprise me for once.

and then i remember that the idea is silly, why would one think that?

because i know they're not.

i'm the narrator and this is just the prologue

2010-11-23T16:40:00.000-05:00

i'm worried.

something's up with my best friend, and for once he won't tell me what it is.

:/

i don't know what to do. i'm tiredanxiousscaredworried

what if it's something i did?
why won't he tell me?
i thought we had no secrets...
why?

one step at a time. one hope than another

2010-11-23T15:43:00.001-05:00

.............

i want to talk to you, but i feel like i'm annoying you. so i am staying off of fb for a good portion of tonight. or we'll get a repeat of last night, where i felt like i was just being ridiculous.

the moon is gone forever, i hope you're out there somewhere

2010-11-21T20:34:00.000-05:00

this week is going to be great, i can feel it.

only monday&&tuesday for school.

mini thanksgiving/hanging out day with some of my closest friends

might be going to chicagoland for the weekend, see the family. if we don't get snowed in here (oh, darn, that'd be so sad.)

but, all in all? i'm super excited.

pull on my hand and say, please just let’s make it this way

2010-11-21T12:47:00.001-05:00

"don't go breaking my heart"..."i couldn't if i tried"

2010-11-20T20:47:00.000-05:00

I literally just had the best day. Ever.

Got asked out (kinda...it's complicated-ish) by my crush.

Got to spend a good part of the day with my very best friend.

Had a Frosty.

I'd call this a winsome day, wouldn't you?

yay :3

2010-11-20T20:28:00.002-05:00

forget the maybe's. they're all true :)

2010-11-20T12:19:00.001-05:00

maybe...

2010-11-20T11:07:00.001-05:00

i've found the ron to my hermione

i've gotten my own harry, and helped him find his "ginny"

i've passed my O.W.L's and N.E.W.T's and emerged bright and shiny new

i'm happy?

i want to meet someone who's afraid to lose me

2010-11-19T21:32:00.001-05:00

don't you just love it when someone takes it upon themselves to tell the person you like that you like them? yeah, me neither

2010-11-19T16:02:00.000-05:00

fb

2010-11-17T20:00:00.002-05:00

rachel&&kurt

2010-11-16T21:43:00.001-05:00

:)

2010-11-16T21:28:00.000-05:00

i just got to see my best friend in the whole wide world :3

and surprise him, on top of that.

went to gsaif, which i never can because i never have a ride, and he walked in...the look on his face made me so happy. i've never had someone react like thet when they saw me. ever.

ilovehimsomuch

he makes me feel beautiful

right now, you're the only reason i'm not letting go-oh

2010-11-15T20:48:00.000-05:00

~~everybody live like it's the last day you will ever see~~

blargh. I just want this to end...WHY IS EVERY GUY I EVER LIKE GAY OR A LOSER?!

Honestly.

I mean, ~~I love Eric and all...I just want a non-gay him~~? Oh, lord, that sounds terrible, doesn't it? I don't know how to describe iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit :P

That's kinda it, though...he is the perfect guy, in every way shape and form - except that one small detail. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing! It's not! It just kinda sucks, you know?

pffffffft.

ihatethis.
ireallyreallydo.

tell me how i've lost my power

2010-11-14T19:35:00.000-05:00

~~i thought that we'd make it.~~

I'm so sorry, screamers, that I haven't gotten anything new to you lately. Between Like the Stars Above, Golden Children, Au Revior and other things (tumblr, school, RL, stuff like that...)

~~right now you're the only reason i'm not letting go~~

Still feeling weird. Still have no idea why.

I just feel...like I need to type and type and type and it still won't be enough. Maybe it's not just my body that's out of order, but my head too...maybe?

I could write for days and not empty my skull.

~~keep me safe inside your arms like towers, tower over me~~

I know I sound pathetic and whiny, but all I want is someone to be with. To let me curl up in their arms, kiss me on the forehead and tell me they'll love me forever. Is that so much to ask?

Applied for a few jobs...Mom says it'll "help get me out of my head". I like my head, thank you very much. I'll admit, sometimes it's not the greatest place ever, but whatever. It's better than most. Not filled with sex&drugs&booze, right?

::sigh::

2010-11-13T19:22:00.001-05:00

if you love harry potter, call 267-436-5109

2010-11-13T19:12:00.002-05:00

Writer Ninja has taken over....

2010-11-13T19:07:00.001-05:00

Lo there. It is Writer Ninja here!

One thing I have noticed about Addy is that she has a great passion for writing. I can only wish her the best in the future because I know it will be bright. In honor of her writing aspirations, I have decided to submit this poem I wrote months ago. I hope you all enjoy it.

Acceptance

He stood at the edge of a murky beach in a maddened haze.

Six feet under, they were in a grave.

The mistakes he made all began to play back.

His world’s canvas was becoming a tortured shade of black.

“What if I came home sooner,” he wondered. “What if I was better to them when they were alive?”

He looked over the peer ready to take the tumultuous dive.

About to jump, with bloodshot eyes, he looked into the grimy ocean and rocks to see his reflection below.

He felt a loving whisper of those he cared about in his ear and then he did know.

Sometimes the hardest thing in life is truly accepting yourself and what you’ve done.

Because of acceptance, he lived to stand on the pier and watch the rising sun.

Best wishes,

maybe you can't love me the way i want you to, but you love me the way i need you to and that makes all the difference

2010-11-13T10:10:00.002-05:00

something you keep in the box on the street, now it's longing for a home

2010-11-11T20:21:00.001-05:00

i messed up.

i think i let him know, and i don’t know if i wanted him to.

i don’t want this to mess anything up with us.

he’s my best friend.

what do i do now?

the thing about growing up with Harry Potter is you start to think anything's possible if you've got enough nerve

2010-11-11T14:51:00.001-05:00

2010-11-10T21:24:00.002-05:00

hi.

iloveyou.

just sayin.'

awe

you stalker

years of dreaming just can't be wrong.

2010-11-09T19:48:00.000-05:00

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH.

hi.
iloveyou.
just sayin'.

Someone wanna send me something like that? Cuz I need some extra lovin'.

listen

2010-11-08T19:52:00.003-05:00

Listen, I am alone at a crossroads
[...]
And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind
You should have known
Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me

i don't love you like i did yesterday

2010-11-08T18:24:00.000-05:00

Oh, how I wish I could block certain people from this blog. Not just their computers, but them, you know?
Obviously, if anyone reads the comments, they can figure out who real quick.
I just wanna curl up. Sleep. Not feel sick.
But!
Only half day of work tomorrow, all day Wednesday, and half on Thursday, and I'm done for the week.
Yay for short school times.

harry potter and aladdin...

2010-11-06T20:57:00.003-04:00

2010-11-06T11:10:00.001-04:00

Sophie: How did you escape during the siege of the palace?
Anastasia: There was a boy, a boy who worked in the palace. He opened a wall… I’m sorry, that’s crazy walls opening…
Dimitri: She’s the princess. …

sometimes, all i want to do is curl up in bed and blast my favorite bands until my ears bleed. maybe then everything will go back to how it was, and i can pretend to be peter pan for one more day. just one more day, please.

2010-11-05T20:52:00.001-04:00

& the best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize 2 outta 3 ain't bad

2010-11-05T20:43:00.001-04:00

B:
Hey i know wev ben haveing our differnce for along time. just wanted say sry if any it offended you or w/e and just want see how ur life going

Me:
What offends me is how you and Audra both have been treating me since you've been spending time with Calvin. Frankly, it makes me avoid spending time with you as much as possible - to the point that it has become that I only do at lunch, because of Audra and Lenore. Thank you for apologizing, but if you continue to treat me like you did the other day then we have nothing more to discuss

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also, notice his spelling. That offends me as well. Seriously, after everything he's done lately he thinks that will help? Nope. not really. Especially when he signs out on me instead of ever responding back :P

i think i've lost my muchness :/

2010-11-01T18:16:00.001-04:00

if it wasn't for you, i'd be nothing...where are you now?

2010-10-30T15:27:00.000-04:00

Started on some pills to help with everything...but then they made me feel even worse, so...already off of them.

:/

I don't know what to do about it. S'pose there's really nothing, but...
Whatever.

everybody wants the best of magic

2010-10-29T16:40:00.000-04:00

How're you, screamers?

I'm good, thanks for asking (:

do you, do you wanna learn to fly? then you should pack it up & say goodbye

2010-10-27T20:20:00.000-04:00

I think I figured out why I'm so fixated on finding a guy and falling in love.

Because I just have this gut feeling I'm going to get hurt, and I want to get it done sooner rather than later so it's less time for my "fixer" to find my broken heart and patch it up.

I know that sounds dumb, but I think that might just be it. Yay for psycho-analyzing yourself, right? :P

2010-10-26T19:31:00.001-04:00

That would be me. AND MY FLIPPIN AWESOME BOOK

That's right, folks. Harry Potter: Film Wizardry

LOVE

baby can't you see? i'm calling

2010-10-25T21:21:00.001-04:00

I hate this.

All I do is feel sick. I can feel my heartbeat in every part of my body. I get terrible stomach aches at night (third one in a row, so it wasn't just too much ice cream). Head's been hurting. My throat's always dry, no matter how much water I guzzle. I'm going through two waterbottles a day, during school.

And then my mental ness! Oh, jeeze, don't even get me started. I can start crying at the drop of a hat. I think I cried for about 2 hours on and off earlier.

My heart hurts. I feel like I'm losing every person I thought I called a close friend.

Nothing's helping. Taking St. John's Wort, trying to de-stress as much as possible...it's just not doing anything.

I just...I want them to at least run some blood tests or something. Before they try to pin everything on stress.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't.

I want a boyfriend. Not even a boyfriend. Just someone that cares. Someone that will text me good morning and call me cute names. Someone who doesn’t need a title to know that I’m theirs and they’re mine.

2010-10-24T11:45:00.001-04:00

it's the color of hope on an unforgiving night

2010-10-21T20:07:00.000-04:00

Well, that sucked

Had a nice little emotional breakdown at school today. I was fine afterwards, until I got back to class and my friend Maddie asked me if I was okay. Then it just went downhill from there. And then Sr. Marsh asked me too, and I just left.

Went home, sat on tumblr, watched TV, read, took a nap. Relaxed.

And I still feel like crap.

I just...I hate people. I hate when they break promises and when they breathe through their nose when it's all stuffed up. When they yell and scream for no reason. When they promise to not ever hurt you, then turn around and do just that. When they leave, because they always do.

I hate diabetes. I hate DKA. I hate not knowing what's wrong with me, mentally emotionally physically medically. I hate being this crazy in my head.

I hate reading books that I love, falling for the characters, and realizing none of that will probably ever happen to me.

I hate being so stressed I have no time to write. To release all of this crap.

I hate what my best friend is doing to herself, and how she doesn't realize how it affects me. How much it hurts. Especially when her latest "adventures" are more important than how scared I am.

I hate everything right now, and I'm sorry.

i miss you; i'm so sorry

2010-10-19T19:21:00.001-04:00

you are the only exception

2010-10-19T18:07:00.000-04:00

I am so done with people. For real.

They all just suck.

Except Eric, cuz we're in the same boat with no paddles. But we still are there to comfort each other.

Unlike some people I could mention :/

i am the coolest girl in the whole wide world

2010-10-11T21:11:00.000-04:00

I am ^^^

And you know why?

Because I'm bisexual. And proud.

Happy Coming Out Day, all.

quitters never win, but we walk the plank on a sinking ship

2010-10-07T20:46:00.000-04:00

Get to see my sisters tomorrow.

Maybe that will help me feel better.

i'll be back, don't try and follow me

2010-10-04T18:12:00.000-04:00

-dies-

School had been stressful, like normal. Haven't gotten to write anything new, since my English class decided to kick me one and not let me have any time anymore. It sucks. Especially since my teacher decided that exclamation points are pointless.

Well here:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I find them VERY useful :P

you wish you were a junior (:

2010-09-29T21:30:00.001-04:00

Ooh Ah
THE WORLD IS NOT ENDING
Ooh Ah
WE'RE JUST TAKING OVER

2010-09-29T06:25:00.003-04:00

I love you, Adalia Marie. You are beautiful, you are loved, you know it. Someday your man will come. You will be the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he won’t do anything to hurt you. ♥ But for right now, you don’t need a man. Especially one that puts you through this. I love you babe. Everything will get better, I promise you. This is just a bump on your road through life. You’re always in my prayers.

– Lauren (:

dear best friend,

2010-09-28T21:13:00.002-04:00

dear best friend,

I love you. I wish you would realize that he’s a loser, and that your friends care about you. That’s why we don’t really like him that much.

But.

Besides that - you are amazing. And gorgeous. And stronger than you think you are (seriously). And you deserve someone who loves you ALL the time - not just when his latest broke up with him.

I hope you’ll figure that out.

You’ve helped me through so much, kept me strong and sane. I know you can be selfish and mean, but so can I. We both know that.

Love you, babe. Stay strong.

awe...

2010-09-28T16:42:00.000-04:00

...This is why I love Munro's character on Degrassi, Eli. He loves Claire so much, and he actually shows it. I want that. So much.

2010-09-27T17:10:00.002-04:00

dear person i like,

2010-09-26T14:04:00.004-04:00

You know who you are. You've known for a few months. Like, 3, to be exact. Please figure yourself out. I'm getting sick of sitting around and waiting for what might not ever happen.

dear last kiss,

2010-09-25T21:31:00.000-04:00

I wish we could get back to what we had, but honestly? I think it’s over.

If only you had the guts to just tell me to my face.

1o final words

2010-09-25T12:54:00.002-04:00

1. I

2. Can

3. Not

4. Believe

5. I

6. Just

7. Survived

8. All

9. Of

10. These

1o ways to win my heart

2010-09-24T20:26:00.004-04:00

1. Be nerdy with me. If you can’t completely geek out about Harry Potter (or at least learn to), you need not apply. Sorry, but that’s kinda a deal breaker.

2. Be romantic. Go read Love Gives Me Hope. Do things like that, so I can write things about you on there. Make me fall in love with you more every second.

3. Know that I tend to be kinda clingy and be able to deal with that. I don’t want to have to be on eggshells, wondering if I’m annoying you and screwing things up. I’ve gone through that, and it sucks.

4. Know my views and know why I support them. Don’t argue with me for the sake of arguing. I am who I am, and that’s reflected in my views. Please leave them be. If we don’t see eye to eye, that’s fine. Just don’t try to shove your views down my throat.

5. Make an effort. Communication is a two-way street, and I’m not going to be the one initiating everything (see #3)

6. Make me laugh. Life is a journey, make the most of it and all. I’d rather have someone who was fun and dirt poor than rich and stuffy a million times over.

7. But up with my crazy. I get OCD about a few little, stupid things. I can go into intense mood swings because my day’s been crappy and I don’t feel like keeping up my “happy” face. I obsess over things I could’ve, should’ve done. Please bear with me.

8. Earn my trust. Don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t be a jerk. Make me want to love you, to let you win my heart. And always know - if you do, at least tell me. That’s way better than finding out the hard way.

9. Understand that I tell my best friends everything. Don’t get mad at me for that. Also don’t get mad when they try to protect me. That’s who they are, and I certainly can not control them. So don’t blame me.

10. Love me for me

1o songs

2010-09-23T21:29:00.003-04:00

1. “Here I Stand” [AOL Sessions Under Cover] ~ Madina Lake

2. “The Guilty Ones” ~ Spring Awakening Soundtrack

3. “Defying Gravity” ~ Glee and Wicked

4. “Me Vs. The World” ~ Madina Lake

5. “Like We Used To” ~ A Rocket to the Moon

6. “Virginia Woolf” ~ Indigo Girls

7. “Be Calm” ~ fun.

8. “Be My Escape” ~ Reliant K

9. “Franklin” ~ Paramore

10. The song my uncle wrote for me (:

1o important people

2010-09-23T19:28:00.003-04:00

1. My parents (yes, two separate, but it counts here, okay?)

2. Audra

3. My siblings

4. Chelsea

5. Lauren

6. Lenore

7. Trev

8. Uncles and Aunts

9. TJ

10. Cody, Josh and Eric <3

screaming of the soul

lately...

should you need it....

one day…

remind me how to be happy

what am i s'posed to do, when the best part of me was always you?

will you let me stay a while?

it's getting harder to believe in anything

*sigh*

the voicemail letter

dear alex

"they get together in the end, don't they?"

daydreamin~

county fair

move along, nothing to see here but angst

i was so lost, but i'm back

well, does she want me to make it now?

The Vespertine

Blessed.

lost and found

dusk

*11 / 20 / 10

and all I have is all of me and its all that I can give

the party, xxxix (39)

the party, part xxxviii (38)

merry christmas, screamers (:

so basically, i just want to curl up someplace inside your ribs, near your heart preferably, and live there for a while. cool?

‎"ever few days, he appreciates you more than the few days before, i think" ~ my mom, about alex

memo

::sigh::

the party, part xxxvii (37)

the party, part xxxvi (36)

links, links, links!

after today

stand out

oh, baby it's cold outside

the road outside my house is paved with good intentions

i'm such an awkward kid

you are the taste of something sweet

just drop us a beat...

i'm the narrator and this is just the prologue

one step at a time. one hope than another

the moon is gone forever, i hope you're out there somewhere

pull on my hand and say, please just let’s make it this way

"don't go breaking my heart"..."i couldn't if i tried"

yay :3

forget the maybe's. they're all true :)

maybe...

i want to meet someone who's afraid to lose me

don't you just love it when someone takes it upon themselves to tell the person you like that you like them? yeah, me neither

fb

rachel&&kurt

:)

right now, you're the only reason i'm not letting go-oh

tell me how i've lost my power

if you love harry potter, call 267-436-5109

Writer Ninja has taken over....

maybe you can't love me the way i want you to, but you love me the way i need you to and that makes all the difference

something you keep in the box on the street, now it's longing for a home

the thing about growing up with Harry Potter is you start to think anything's possible if you've got enough nerve

years of dreaming just can't be wrong.

listen

i don't love you like i did yesterday

harry potter and aladdin...

sometimes, all i want to do is curl up in bed and blast my favorite bands until my ears bleed. maybe then everything will go back to how it was, and i can pretend to be peter pan for one more day. just one more day, please.

& the best way to make it through with hearts and wrists intact is to realize 2 outta 3 ain't bad

i think i've lost my muchness :/

if it wasn't for you, i'd be nothing...where are you now?

everybody wants the best of magic

do you, do you wanna learn to fly? then you should pack it up & say goodbye

baby can't you see? i'm calling

I want a boyfriend. Not even a boyfriend. Just someone that cares. Someone that will text me good morning and call me cute names. Someone who doesn’t need a title to know that I’m theirs and they’re mine.

it's the color of hope on an unforgiving night

i miss you; i'm so sorry

you are the only exception

i am the coolest girl in the whole wide world

quitters never win, but we walk the plank on a sinking ship

i'll be back, don't try and follow me

you wish you were a junior (:

dear best friend,

sigh