will you let me stay a while?

I wish you could see yourself the way I do. All the planes and angles and curves of your face, your arms, your chest. All those places I have grown to know so fondly.

I wish you could look through my eyes, through my soul, see and feel all that I do. Maybe then you could understand. Maybe then you would be gentler on my heart.

it's getting harder to believe in anything

I just don't know what to do. I'm sick and tired of getting left behind, of only being there when it's convienant, of getting left behind to sit in the hallway by myself.

I went to Alex's seminar to see him, to work on each others' stuff and spend the second to last seminar ever with him. But no. No, 7 minutes into it, he gets pulled off to practice. The guy could have told him last night, but he didn't, so I got to sit in the hallway by myself and look like a complete and utter loser.

I'm sick of it.

I'm always left behind, I'm always the second choice, I'm always the last one picked. But, hey, if you have some huge problem, guess who's the first person you come to, whether you know me that well or not.

I hate this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

memo

The last two parts of The Party were from September. I neglected posting them, until I noticed them sitting neat and tidy in their folder earlier in the week.

The boy they are talking about is not my current boyfriend.
It's Trevor.
Who broke up with me just as school was starting, and I was having to face A again for the first time in months.

My current boyfriend?
So much more than those two losers put together. So much more.
He loves me.
And he isn't just faking it, like they were.

• well for one, she's a bit of a romantic, but that's okay with me, i kinda like it. i like it a lot, actually.
• oh really? that's cute
• yeah, she is
• awwwwwwwe more!
• she seems to be kinda stressed lately since she's got a lot of stuff going on at school, hate seeing her like that, and i hope sometime she/we can just relax together
• awe, i bet she does too. i heard she likes disney movies
• oh really now?
• well, yeah most girls do especially when they're stressed
• maybe she'd like to sit down and watch a couple sometime?
• probably
• so maybe i should get together with her sometime over the next few weekends so we can sit down and watch some?
• Yeah. Go for it!
• alright, i'll talk to her about it sometime
• Go you! I'm sure you'll have her in no time
• and if i already do?
• Then she is one lucky girl

oh, baby it's cold outside

Oh yeah.
That's the Glee Christmas album.
Be jealous
(or not, if you're like my bf and don't like them)
Either way, I got me some Darren Criss and Chris Colfer going on in here :)

you are the taste of something sweet

guess the world does work in mysterious ways sometimes.

went better than i thought.

saw the boyfren. our first kiss, in front of the apple store.
yay :D

just drop us a beat...

seriously? why?

the one day i want to go right, not a single thing does. my best friend gets grounded. my boyfriend has a road test. my "sister"...well, that's probably an entirely different story.

all i wanted was one day with the people i care about most. out of the 7 or 8 people i asked? 2 are going. and even then i have to pick both of them up.

it's just...sometimes i don't even know why i bother. why i organize these things in the first place. why make the effort if you're the only one? i don't get it.

i keep hoping that maybe they're all in it together, doing something to surprise me for once.

and then i remember that the idea is silly, why would one think that?

because i know they're not.  

one step at a time. one hope than another

.............

i want to talk to you, but i feel like i'm annoying you. so i am staying off of fb for a good portion of tonight. or we'll get a repeat of last night, where i felt like i was just being ridiculous.

the moon is gone forever, i hope you're out there somewhere

this week is going to be great, i can feel it.

only monday&&tuesday for school.

mini thanksgiving/hanging out day with some of my closest friends

might be going to chicagoland for the weekend, see the family. if we don't get snowed in here (oh, darn, that'd be so sad.)

but, all in all? i'm super excited.

"don't go breaking my heart"..."i couldn't if i tried"

I literally just had the best day. Ever.

Got asked out (kinda...it's complicated-ish) by my crush.

Got to spend a good part of the day with my very best friend.

Had a Frosty.

I'd call this a winsome day, wouldn't you?

yay :3

fb

rachel&&kurt

baby can't you see? i'm calling

I hate this.

All I do is feel sick. I can feel my heartbeat in every part of my body. I get terrible stomach aches at night (third one in a row, so it wasn't just too much ice cream). Head's been hurting. My throat's always dry, no matter how much water I guzzle. I'm going through two waterbottles a day, during school.

And then my mental ness! Oh, jeeze, don't even get me started. I can start crying at the drop of a hat. I think I cried for about 2 hours on and off earlier.

My heart hurts. I feel like I'm losing every person I thought I called a close friend.

Nothing's helping. Taking St. John's Wort, trying to de-stress as much as possible...it's just not doing anything.

I just...I want them to at least run some blood tests or something. Before they try to pin everything on stress.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't.

you know...

that feeling you get when you call someone, the butterflies in your tummy?

It sucks when they're there, and then you get voicemail

just to add some more stress....

Audra screwed up. 


Was on tumblr, and liked on of my posts. Not from the blog I know she has, but from the one she never wanted me to find. The one she never wanted anyone that knows her to find.


So...Awesome. This is terrible.

Thanks for making me realize you’ve been lying about stuff. LOTS of stuff.

Makes me feel like an awesome best friend.

i wish i was strong enough to breathe

Theme song for today

Well, for always, actually, loves. And this one. Mostly anything by the fabulous Madina Lake.

You know how most teenage girls love bands because of how good looking its members are? I like these guys for how good they are. Not just in talent, not just in looks, but in morals and actions. Case in point?

"A man was walking down the street for a drink one night and saw another man beating his wife. 

Putting himself in immediate danger he stopped the man, but in return almost died himself. 

Rock-stars who risk their own life for a person, gives me hope. Matt Leone, bassist of Madina Lake, you GMH." (see it here)

He's just a good guy. And he's still recovering. So, if anyone has some spare change or anything laying around, go here to help - Sweet Relief . 

and color the hours

First game of the season tonight. Good luck, Wildcats. I'll be cheering you on with (possibly) a New Guy. Yes, yes, I know - it's crazy, but it's pretty darn amazing at the same time.

my escape, take me far far away

Please take me anywhere but here.

[x]

I have no idea what this is. Maybe beginning-of-the-year depression? But something about today makes it suck. Like, this entire week. It doesn't seem to just be me, either, which makes me feel better.

But, then again, things have not been exactly happy-making. Lost another perspective bf, still not sure what's going on with Trev...Some days it seems fine, other days it's like "Oh, yup, another one you've scared off. Good going, old chap."

And then I feel like I get so desperate that any given guy could ask me out and I'd say yes. No lie. I guess it's because I've seen too many movies and read too many books, but I want that stereotypical "high school sweetheart" romance. Someone to surprise me with roses in my locker on our anniversary. To help with homework. Cheer me on at the PowderPuff game. Take me to prom two years running. 

That's all I want. Doesn't seem like much, but apparently it is. A won't even look at me - I had to speak in front of the entire class today, and (of course) he was sitting right in front of where I had to stand to talk. He wouldn't even look at me. Only at the floor.

And there's no hope with me and Eric. At all. Well, as far as I know from what he's said. Or hasn't said, since I asked and he signed off on me...

Thank the gods for my brother, at least. TJ can talk me down from anything, I swear. It's really nice to have someone like him to lean on, have my back. And to have online at the same time I'm trying to talk to someone as emotional support (:

[x]

Secret love, are you there? Will you answer my prayers?