memo

The last two parts of The Party were from September. I neglected posting them, until I noticed them sitting neat and tidy in their folder earlier in the week.

The boy they are talking about is not my current boyfriend.
It's Trevor.
Who broke up with me just as school was starting, and I was having to face A again for the first time in months.

My current boyfriend?
So much more than those two losers put together. So much more.
He loves me.
And he isn't just faking it, like they were.

1o important people

1. My parents (yes, two separate, but it counts here, okay?)

2. Audra

3. My siblings

4. Chelsea

5. Lauren

6. Lenore

7. Trev

8. Uncles and Aunts

9. TJ

10. Cody, Josh and Eric <3

you know...

that feeling you get when you call someone, the butterflies in your tummy?

It sucks when they're there, and then you get voicemail

1o things to say to one person

1. I missed what we had this summer. A lot more than I admit to you.

2. Selena Gomez? Really? Well, I DID get mistaken for her last month….

3. I need to quit some clubs, I know. I really do.

4. Excuses? They don’t really cut it anymore. 

5. I don’t appreciate it when I leave class for a few minutes and you start talking to one of my best friends about me. Even if you are trying to explain - explain it to me, not her, please.

6. I meant it all. Did you?

7. I’m willing to work at this, but only if you do too.

8. I don’t care if you don’t have time. All I want is the confidence we had in each other before. One month and I saw you once. And guess what? I was totally okay with it. I wish you had been too.

9. When I say I want you to call me, it means I REALLY want to talk to you but I’m afraid to pick up the phone and dial myself.

10. I thought we had something, and there’s a chance at it still. But not if you’re texting some other girl behind my back and lying about it.

my escape, take me far far away

Please take me anywhere but here.

[x]

I have no idea what this is. Maybe beginning-of-the-year depression? But something about today makes it suck. Like, this entire week. It doesn't seem to just be me, either, which makes me feel better.

But, then again, things have not been exactly happy-making. Lost another perspective bf, still not sure what's going on with Trev...Some days it seems fine, other days it's like "Oh, yup, another one you've scared off. Good going, old chap."

And then I feel like I get so desperate that any given guy could ask me out and I'd say yes. No lie. I guess it's because I've seen too many movies and read too many books, but I want that stereotypical "high school sweetheart" romance. Someone to surprise me with roses in my locker on our anniversary. To help with homework. Cheer me on at the PowderPuff game. Take me to prom two years running. 

That's all I want. Doesn't seem like much, but apparently it is. A won't even look at me - I had to speak in front of the entire class today, and (of course) he was sitting right in front of where I had to stand to talk. He wouldn't even look at me. Only at the floor.

And there's no hope with me and Eric. At all. Well, as far as I know from what he's said. Or hasn't said, since I asked and he signed off on me...

Thank the gods for my brother, at least. TJ can talk me down from anything, I swear. It's really nice to have someone like him to lean on, have my back. And to have online at the same time I'm trying to talk to someone as emotional support (:

[x]

Secret love, are you there? Will you answer my prayers?

i keep telling myself i'm not the desperate type

...Really?

A week later is when you "remember" to call me back? And not even then, only because I pop up on chat and say hello?

Great. Awesome. Lovely. Glad to know you want to work at it, like you said you did.

 You sound so innocent, all full of good intent. You swear you know best. 

But you expect me to jump up on board with you, ride off into your delusional sunset

at first, when i see you cry, it makes me smile

Talked to Trev again the other day... predictably, he said he was going to call back, and it's been two days. My phone's not ringing, honey.

-sigh- Did I really expect any different? Shouldn't've.

Got a nice day planned tomorrow, though. Hanging out with Eric, getting my hair done. Nose pierced on Friday! (:

Nothing else really interesting...sorry. Will write something for you all soon!

does he watch your favorite movies? does he hold you when you cry?

I'm done.

If he's going to keep acting like this, like I'm suddenly the bad guy, then I'll find someone who treats me like a queen and half...Someone that will promise to do the below things, and actually do them.

Does he watch your favorite movies?

Does he hold you when you cry?

Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts?

When you've seen it a million times

Does he sing to all your music?

While you dance to purple rain

Does he do all these things?

Like I used to?

...

Will he love you like I loved you?

Will he tell you everyday?

Will he make you feel like your invincible

With every word he'll say

Can you promise me that this was right?

Don't throw it all away

Can you do all these things?

Will you do all these things?

Like we used to

i want your love, and i want your revenge

You know I'm in a bad place when even a playlist of Glee music can't help me. Keep Holding On, Don't Stop Believing, Bad Romance, Dream a Little Dream, No Air, Jessie's Girl...and I still feel sad.

And today's the day that the family is celebrating my sweet sixteen. Going out for dinner, maybe seeing Scott Pilgrim...speaking of which, had to go and make one of these avatars for myself. Make your own here.

I want someone like that. I could be Ramona, I could have the Evil Exes, and my very own Scott Pilgrim...and he would actually love me enough to battle the Evil Exes. And Audra could be my Kim.

Shouldn't be so complex, to find love, but there it is.

if i died inside, would anyone realize?

How is it that we went from so happy to this "breaking up but not really" thing?

i feel it's gonna rain like this for days

So bring on the rain.

Talked to the boyfriend. Apparently, we're going "on hold" for the rest of summer due to his work and CC and such...how is it "on hold" when we've seen each other a grand total of once since we started dating? How much more can we slow it down? It's not like we hardly get to talk anyhow...

I don't know what to think, except that he promised he wouldn't hurt me like A did. But...sometimes it seems like he's still going to.

Best part? He probably has to work on my birthday. Ever heard of asking for the day off? Apparently not.

want your bad romance

Okay, so the makeover didn't go exactly as planned. Audra cut my hair (just a trim!) and then we pretty much just dressed up as different cliques at our school and took pictures. Played around with makeup like we were little and modeled. It was hilarious. As you can see below, we MAY have gone a bit overboard...

She's coming over soonish to help me do some peekaboo highlights in my hair, but that's about it.

Haven't seen the BF in like two weeks. Sadness.

Oh, got food poisoning yesterday, too, from the diversity meeting I had to go to. Bad Blimpie sandwiches.

Awesome, right? -sigh-

after

i'm sure you have all the girls demanding wedding rings

Makeover day! Audra's coming over and playing Guinea Pig Addy to practice. And then she's playing wardrobe assistant and photographer. Wanted Trevor to come too, do some couple shots, but it got shot down.

So: makeup, hair style/color, wardrobe...it's all changing. I'm getting a nice little influx of $$$ soon, and we're gonna go thrifting to make it last. Plus I have $25 to PacSun. I'm excited. 16th / junior year is gonna be good. I can feel it.

before:

i bet you didn't expect this...she made me change my ways

Loving the rest of the summer, now that I'm home. Great boyfriend (here's his blog, but nothing's there yet), ah-mazing friends, and a Mad Hatter tea party Sweet 16 in a few weeks. What could be better?

Not much (:

6 hours!!!!

...And then I'm on my way home. Closer to Monday and the non-coffee date at the bookstore. And happiness (:

the party, part xxxv (35)

The monotony brings about some amazing things.

There is a boy, one from before our tale began, one from when our girl still dreamed of being in high school. Her first serious boyfriend, a boy that was wrenched away by a jealous 'friend' all those years ago. Someone she was afraid to talk to for the longest time. The one she's spent almost two full days talking to.

Her new boyfriend. They guy that makes her feel invincable, tells her how pretty she is and makes her feel happier than she's been.

It's incredible, actually.

How they went from the intense seperation to this closeness...even though they're 700 miles apart at the moment. Just started talking, out of the blue, then ended up together by the morning light. He makes her feel like she can do anything, because he believes in her.

And it's not the falseness like ones in the past. Everything is amplified. The sun is brighter, her bed is cozier, and just hearing his laugh makes her grin.

She is about to go crazy missing him, though.

Two days, she thinks, waiting for the trip back home. Two more days, and then I'm home. She can't wait.

Moments are counted down, trying to spent time at work to make the hours fly by quicker. Phone calls snuck on break, talking to the guy that makes sure that silly smile is on her face. It's more than she could ask for.

More than she ever thought she deserved.

"I REMEMBER YOUR NOSE!"

"I remember your hands because I held them so much."

AWE.

I started talking to my like legit first boyfriend a while ago, and he said that. It's really kinda sweet, since we dated like 5 years ago, and we've both dated a few people in between (*ahem*5*ahem*)

Hm...I need sleep. Work tomorrow :P