the party, xxxix (39)

She pleads the same thing, everyday, like clockwork.

Whatever you want her to do, whatever you can promise to make him a permanent character, she’ll do it. In a heartbeat. Because this, she realizes, is what love should be. Being content to hear his voice if there’s no way to see him. Needing to hear him say “I love you” to sleep. Wanting him. Not like lust, no, because she would do anything to just have him hold her. Nothing more. Just to have him near, have him with her and not far away.

Eventually, people start to notice. “Ever few days, I think he appreciates you more than the few days before,” her mother observes one day. And when our girl asked him about it, he agreed:

“Why wouldn’t I – every day you give me something more to love,” he reasons.

It makes her smile. He makes her smile. Heck, even just thinking about him makes her smile. He’s everything she didn’t know she needed, or wanted. She is made beautiful simply when he looks at her. And for once in her life, she believes it when people say so. Doesn’t second guess, doesn’t just think they’re trying to be nice – really believes it.

She’s been in such an awesome place since she’s been with him. One of her friends, another from long before that our girl is reconnecting with (we’ll just refer to him as her brother, because he is in every sense except the, ya know, real one) pulls her to the side one day. “You look happy. That’s new. You haven’t been in a long time. I’ll let this one live,” he tells her, in his half-serious way that sometimes concerns her. But now it just makes her smile wider.

She doesn’t remember this kind of happy.

Not since high school started, at least. Not when she was a shell, a robot, on autopilot. Not with B. Not with A. Not with anyone else in the stretch of our tale.

But all of the sudden? It’s all good. Happiness and rainbows and butterflies. All that jazz and more. Much more.

And it’s all because of him.

the party, part xxxviii (38)

But maybe Prince Charming doesn’t have a white horse.

Maybe he doesn’t have anything like those fairytale men, and maybe he doesn’t need to. Maybe he’s simply been there all along, in the back of the picture, hiding out and always being there when he’s needed. Always kind, always handsome, always him.

Maybe he’s the one that friends have pushed from the beginning, someone from before the scary world of high school. Someone who remembers our girl back when she had Chewbacca hair and braces, and still liked what he saw. Who has admitted that he would like to stay throughout the duration of the party of her life. Who is hesitant in his comments, put more stock in actions than in simply saying, “You are so beautiful.”

Our girl doesn’t mind.

She’s kinda head over heels. It would be simple to brush aside B, A…the others in her past, but that wouldn’t be fair.

What is fair, though, is to say everything is different with this boy. This boy gets a full name, for instance : Alex. He means to much to our girl; our silly girl who is just starting to figure out she’s never grasped loved before, never even glimpsed it.

It’s been right here all along.

In this wonderful boy, who understands her. Doesn’t make her second guess his feelings, calls her every day whenever he can (even on Christmas, sneaking out to ‘walk the dog’ and call her), and shows her that she is beautiful – to him. Nothing else really matters.

He brings her to dinner with his parents, his grandmother at a country club (yeah, crazy, right?!) and never says a word about how she looks. He doesn’t need to. It’s all in his eyes and how they seem to never leave her the entire night. The way he looks at her makes her want to hide for fear of him realizing she’s not as much as he seems to think she is. To apologize for not being whatever his image of her is.

Please, please world: don’t take this one away, she pleads, not him.

memo

The last two parts of The Party were from September. I neglected posting them, until I noticed them sitting neat and tidy in their folder earlier in the week.

The boy they are talking about is not my current boyfriend.
It's Trevor.
Who broke up with me just as school was starting, and I was having to face A again for the first time in months.

My current boyfriend?
So much more than those two losers put together. So much more.
He loves me.
And he isn't just faking it, like they were.

the party, part xxxvii (37)

Too bad knocking on wood doesn’t always work, and Sweet 16s aren’t always sweet.

Because, you see, this guy turned out to be another one that would chip away at our girl’s heart yet again. Another B, another A…another one she should have seen coming. Another one that would fall through on his promises, another one that would lie when he said he would never.

At least it’s not as bad as the previous two, though. They’re friends, they really are…but sometimes she sees him and all she wants to do is curl up in his arms again.

Sadly, this is not a new thing.

Maybe it’s the stress of junior year, maybe it’s everything else and pills, but all she wants to do is go to A. For a moment, go back to what they had. Be in the circle of his arms, the one place she felt safe then. It’s the Maine’s song “Into Your Arms”, kinda. All our girl, our sad little girl who just wants a break, is what she thought she came closest to with him.

Love.

All we all ever want is to be loved, right? Have someone to call our own, someone that calls us their own. Someone to kiss when you’re happy and hold you when you’re not. To make you laugh, to be a dork with you, to just be there. To love you, with all your quirks. To love you, in spite of them.

Sometimes, though, our girl gets so blue. Thinks that she doesn’t deserve that kind of love, won’t ever find it, could never.

It’s ridiculous, she knows.

But still. It’s there, in her thoughts. And it sucks, but what can you do? She certainly doesn’t know, or she’d have someone, wouldn’t she? Touché, I know. All she wants is her Prince Charming, her Aladdin, her Eric. That Disney fairytale every little girl is duped into believing they’ll get.

Well, her she is, begging for it. So, where are you, fairytale man? Stop being so stubborn, get off your white horse, and ask for directions already.

She’s getting rather impatient, and it’s bad manners to keep a lady waiting.

the party, part xxxvi (36)

And she’s hoping it is, this time.

More than she deserves. Someone who can make everything seem better with just a glance, just a touch. Our girl doesn’t want to fall and be crushed, like last time. Doesn’t want to think everything great when, in reality, everything’s crumbling.

And she doesn’t think it’s going to happen this time. She’s starting over, and she thinks it’s about time. New age, new perspective, new look…it’s all starting to come together. And second chances, too, which is fairly amazing.

It looks like her 16^th year is going to be the best.

(Knock on wood, though) She doesn’t want to jinx anything. Just wants it all to be good, oh so good. The way they haven’t always been. She’s going to have her clubs and her sports and school and him. What more could a girl need? Like they say – “All a girl really ever needs is her best friends and a boyfriend who truly cares.”

And she has it, for the first time. Friends who are really friends, that are family in every sense of the word. Those that matter and that think our girl does too. A boyfriend who isn’t mental, who tells our girl every day how beautiful she is (even though she argues this point every time).

Yup, 16 is gonna rock.

Our girl can feel it in her veins, in every word they say. And kicking it off with a birthday themed after her two favorite books? Alice in Wonderland and Harry Potter? Yes, please! Tea and caldron cakes and Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans and cake that says “Eat Me” on it.

What more could one want?

After all, it isn’t called Sweet 16 for nothing.

links, links, links!

Lookie here! http://member.mibba.com/197796/

That's me and my writer friend's page. And she put The Party up! http://stories.mibba.com/read/342248/The-Party/

the party, part xxxv (35)

The monotony brings about some amazing things.

There is a boy, one from before our tale began, one from when our girl still dreamed of being in high school. Her first serious boyfriend, a boy that was wrenched away by a jealous 'friend' all those years ago. Someone she was afraid to talk to for the longest time. The one she's spent almost two full days talking to.

Her new boyfriend. They guy that makes her feel invincable, tells her how pretty she is and makes her feel happier than she's been.

It's incredible, actually.

How they went from the intense seperation to this closeness...even though they're 700 miles apart at the moment. Just started talking, out of the blue, then ended up together by the morning light. He makes her feel like she can do anything, because he believes in her.

And it's not the falseness like ones in the past. Everything is amplified. The sun is brighter, her bed is cozier, and just hearing his laugh makes her grin.

She is about to go crazy missing him, though.

Two days, she thinks, waiting for the trip back home. Two more days, and then I'm home. She can't wait.

Moments are counted down, trying to spent time at work to make the hours fly by quicker. Phone calls snuck on break, talking to the guy that makes sure that silly smile is on her face. It's more than she could ask for.

More than she ever thought she deserved.

the party, part xxxiv (34)

The overhaul has begun.

“Friends” have been deleted off of facebook, special lists made so only the people she cares about can talk to her, and craziness averted. It feels liberating and amazing and like she’s wrapped up in a blanket of love. (Cheesy, she knows)

And she’s down South at the family restaurant; the zoo didn’t get her references in time so she was ineligible to help out there. But it’s fine. Work’s fun. The servers and bartenders are so incredibly nice and welcoming, and she doesn’t have to go into work until 4 or 5 in the afternoon. What more could you ask for?

Her friends, that’s what.

She misses them so much, and there’s only so much you can talk about on the phone. It’s a million times better in person. There’s a few people down here, of course, but she doesn’t really know them and the only time they have together is when they’re all working. She wishes her friends had snuck down in the trunk or something, anything to keep her sane.

Because the mornings, before work? She’s home alone, and it gets pretty boring after the first hour or two. There are only so many games online she can stand before going braindead.

But she deals with it.

There’s no going home, no crying “Uncle” or clicking her heels three times. There’s only waiting for two weeks to pass, sometimes in monotony and sometimes so busy time flies.

the party, part xxxiii (33)

The One Acts are cancelled.


And He decided to be all bratty about the concert; her book is going nowhere because she keeps procrastinating instead of writing it; her AP History exam is in 9 days; she’s going a bit crazy; TV is becoming more and more intriguing, even over her books (gasp!); and she just is generally more scatterbrained then ever before.

On top of that, the guy she had been interested in seems to have gone for someone else. This is a different guy, not the one that started out so good and went so bad. But it doesn’t matter, not really. Because he asked another to prom, not our girl. Because her friend told him he was crazy for even thinking she would say yes.

But she would have. :(

And now our girl’s being all melancholy and jaded and wants to curl up in bed and watch Miyazaki movies all day. Not go to school, not deal with everyone’s little pieces of drama, just relax and calm down for once.

She needs to have that little piece of time for herself, since she seems to have lost it. The time where she could sit down and write and not feel like “Oh, I should be doing this, this and this”. Where all she needs to do is write, pour her soul out. Not be worried about mundane little things like usual.

But she is.

The school year’s almost up, and she’s got some things to sort out. Like that AP test. And dragging her geometry grade up. And figuring out her summer. Should she volunteer at the zoo, or go help out at the family restaurant? Who is she going to actually care about once school’s over?

Our girl’s going into a friend over-haul. Over the summer, she’s only staying in touch with the people that actually care. Not people who sometimes say hi to her in hallway. The people that have actually touched her life.

So, who’s going to make it?

the party, part xxxi (31)

And our poor girl.


She doesn’t really know which way’s up, let alone what to do about this boy. Right now, she’d do just about anything to get him back. He means so much to her, even after all the crap that’s happened lately. She really believed him when he said he loved her, and that’s what makes all this hurt all the more.

After that horrid phone call, she talked to her friends extensively. And then dyed her hair a nice, dark brown, trying to show that she could be a new person without him. But, right now, as she types, she would give anything to turn back the clock and use what she knows now to help what she had (and turn her locks back to that crazy, 5 different shades of brown and blonde it was before).

She’s not heartbroken, not quite; she’s just…lost.

Lonely, scared, empty. A happy-go-lucky person on the outside, while on the inside she’s just trying not to cry. All she wants is to go back to when they were happy. She would give so much to have him be hers again. Everyone keeps saying, “He could be the right guy, but this might just be the wrong time.”

She doesn’t care. It’s a good enough time, and she knows that he loved her. That it wasn’t just something trivial. (Or at least she hopes so with every cell in her body). That he really meant all that he said, didn’t just make it all up.

It all just sucks.

That’s about how she can sum up everything, especially when her (sometimes) over-bearing friends continue to ask how she’s doing. “Suckish!” she grins, trying to get them to just drop it, “But I’ll be fine.” The ‘eventually’ is just assumed, since they all know she holds onto things, turns them over in her mind and figures out exactly what part went wrong.

She knows that if he wanted her back, she’d be there in a second. It might be pathetic, might be stupid and a waste of time, but she doesn’t care. It’s her life, after all, and her first love (???). She’s got to figure it all out on her own.

Or get hurt trying.

the party, part xxx (30)

The next month passes.


He says those three little words that carry so much meaning, and he actually means them. Makes her heart go into overdrive, her sense all go crazy, and her mind take a much needed vacation from freaking out over every little thing.

But it’s all not enough. Not enough to hold together something that keeps pulling at the stitches.

Yup, everyone, here’s the obligatory break up vent.

It’s two days after their two month anniversary. Things are going to crap faster by the minute, but she just thinks it’s a bad day. They were both in bad moods, she screwed up (???) and it’ll blow over. Like it always does. Because they are in love, and they’ll work things out because it all means too much to just throw away.

Or so she thinks. Before she can even get to her house after school, her cell’s buzzing. Thinking he’s calling to talk things out, kiss and make up, she’s actually excited for this phone call. Little could she have known that this would go down as one of the worst conversations.

Because, cliché as it all seems, he breaks up with her.

She cried for three hours afterward, talking to some of her closest girlfriends. As soon as the tears stop, though, she has the stupidity to check Facebook. And, of course, the first thing is her News Feed is “ . is Single” and her heart broke all over again. It was like an old wound got ripped open and salt rubbed in it.

She collects her wits, though, because she must, and soldiers through the next day. It goes surprisingly better than she could have ever imagined. She feels like she did before, happy and as content as she can be while still feeling numb inside.

And he likes it – suckish teenage romance, huh?

the party part xxix (29)

It worked!

Everything went well, surprisingly. There were problems, of course, but in the end nothing was burnt and everything was edible. He even said he liked it. Smiled wide and went, “Good job. I was actually really pleasantly surprised.”

Her blush lit her up like a Christmas tree. Well, according to him, since making her blush seems to be one of his favorite things to do. He just does that to her. Makes her so inexplicably happy without even trying.

She loves it.

And all their inside jokes and the stupid things they do together and the way he can be nice to her little brother even when he’s driving them both insane. The way he makes things like hide-and-seek fun. And watches stupid movies with her just to hold her. (which is pretty much her favorite part). How he lets her steal his hoodie or necklace to wear.

The hoodies make her feel safe. They smell like him and it makes her feel like he’s hugging her. She couldn’t explain it, doesn’t know how to put it into words, but they just do.

She’s so much happier than she’s been in a long time.

A moment to gush, since she can’t to her friends: He’s completely wonderful, and just makes her feel like she means something. Like she can actually do the things she wishes she could. Makes her feel invincible and vulnerable and like she can do anything because he believes that she can.

In Howl’s Moving Castle, they say “A hearts’ a heavy burden.” But it’s one she’ll gladly accept.

Because it’s his, hopefully.

the party, part xxviii (28)

So…she’s going to cook for him.


It’s a bit scary. She, after all, failed when trying to make macaroni and cheese out of the box – because she didn’t know how to boil water. And he wants to be a baker when he’s older, so he knows a thing or two about cooking.

This whole dinner is her way of winding him down after a week of harsh exams. Her way of kinda celebrating their one month a week late and toasting to the fact that they’re halfway through the school year. To just sit there and eat together, without the hassle of everyone in their lunch period.

She might possibly be in over her head.

One of her best friends joked about getting a distress signal once our girl enters the kitchen, and she’s probably not that far off. Our girl is more talented with mixing up some brownie batter and licking the spoon afterwards. Not throwing together an entire dinner for someone she actually wants to impress.

The only thing she can think to get her mind off of her inner freaking out is to study, but the only exams she has left are nothing. Her art one she can opt out of, and the Photoshop one you get to have the application open the entire time. So she sits at her computer and writes, hoping it will have the same affect.

(writer’s block sucks)

Hard to write something to calm your own nerves when the words just won’t flow. When they get stuck somewhere between you heart and your fingertips and the blood just won’t thicken into ink.

It’s enough to relax her by listening to him play video games. He gets so into it, yelling at the screen and freaking out. It’s even better, though, because he’s in a great mood and she just can’t help laughing. There’s so much about him that she loves, like how he says Pear-e instead of Paris, and how he can make her blush with a single word, a single gesture.

She’s pretty much on cloud nine, even if she is still freaking out a bit.

the party, part xxvii

It’s the eve of their official one month.


And our girl is trying to hype herself up on caffeine and get the creative juices flowing. She’s never gotten to this point before, never thought she could, and yet here she is. And, of course, this is the moment she needs her words to flow and they suddenly decide to stop.

It’s like the words got clogged up somewhere between her heart, her mind, and her fingertips. The words that once poured out, ink spilling like blood, are now stuck. The adjectives and verbs and nouns all caught up somewhere else, taking a little vacation at the most inconvenient of times. Deserting her and making writing the simplest of sentences more difficult than it all needs to be.

But she could care less.

Because she is so unimaginably happy. He’s like every love song she ever heard wrapped into one amazing person. Every cliché. Every bit from a book that made her say, “I wish this would happen to me.” His smile makes her want to be so much more than she is, makes her believe she really can be better.

He calls her his fishie, his angel, but the only thing she cares that he calls her is his. His girl. The first time she heard him say it, she caught her breath, not daring to believe he had really said it. But he had.

Prepare for the invasion of warm fuzzies.

She could never have prepared for any of this, and every day she wakes up and thinks it’s all been some great dream. Something her imagination ran wild with, imagining all these great situations, and now she’s woken up and it’s still 2009 and she’s alone.

The best part is seeing him. Because, once he smiles, then she knows it wasn’t a dream, it’s all real, and somehow she got someone this great. Someone who argues, “No, I’m the lucky one to get a girl this beautiful.” Someone who won’t let her get all depressed, because he’ll jump in and wink at her before she can even think about getting sad.

Someone she just can’t believe she has in her life.

the party, part xxvi (26)

And hearing that does keep them away.


Nightmares have dogged her every step for the last month or so. Not things that go bump in the night, but things more realistic and things that scare her. Situations that play out and end up losing people or having to admit that there’s nothing she can do to save those that mean so much.

But he helps. A lot. Far more than she would have ever imagined. It’s like hearing that can just erase every dream that tries to worm it’s way into her head until only the good ones can squeeze through. Like she has her own personal dream catcher.

She blushes a lot more these days, too.

It’s something he’s commented on a few times. That, and the fact that her heart’s beating quicker than lightning every time he hugs her. There’s nothing she can do about it – it’s just him. Just the way he makes her feel. It drives her crazy (in a good way) that all he can do is wink at her and she just smiles like some crazy person.

They’ve been together just shy of a month. It seems so much longer to both of them, that they can hardly believe it. Seems crazy that they knew each other for so long before getting over everything and finally getting together. It’s been a crazy, insane, amazing last few weeks.

Our girl’s never smiled so much in her life.

Or blushed so much, or laughed at such ridiculous things, or been able to write so well. She can sit down now and crank out over a thousand words in 15 or 20 minutes. There’s so much energy in her that she can’t just sit still. She has to do something, anything at all. For the first time in a while, she has an escape other than her bedroom. Has a confidant that doesn’t just meow at her and then run away.

She has someone who means the world to her. Someone that makes her heart beat just a bit faster whenever she just thinks about him. Someone that knows all the right things to say to drag her out of her deepest sadnesses or make her laugh.

Someone that is just so incredibly amazing that she doesn’t know what she did to deserve him.

the party, part xxv (25)

The New Year is rung in.


She spends it dancing crazily downtown, seeing one of her favorite bands ever with one of her favorite people. A slower song comes on, and he wraps his arms around her waist and starts dancing with her in a crowd of thirty thousand people. It’s like time slowed down and the world was just the two of them.

A sigh escapes her lips before she can stop it. She didn’t even want to – she’s happy and content and freezing her butt off but it’s all worth it. Because this guy is so amazing. Because she can hardly believe she’s really there. Because she’s never felt this great before.

And this is only their first date.

Only the first time when people would see them in a public and go, “Hey, look, they’re together.” The first time when she really felt claimed by someone who cared for her outside of her family. The first time when she can totally let go of every inhibition she has and be herself. The first time someone has accepted her as such.

Somehow, in that moment, she is a part of everything around her. The happiness of everyone in the crowd, the pleasant tingle of human contact, the music pouring out of the sound system.

And once the music stops, she knows she still has him.

Let’s just call this guy A. (to make things simpler for everyone). He’s pretty much the greatest thing she’s ever seen, and our girl is happier than she been in a long, long while. He…he just knows her. Somehow always knows exactly what to say, like the right response is tattooed on our girl’s forehead, and somehow is just this really sweet guy. She’s never had anything like that. It’s like that Orianthi song – “According to You”. Before, her best friend’s opinion was all that mattered. But this guy? A? His opinion is what’s great. Because he’s just spent time telling her how wonderful she is, how pretty, and how he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else than with her.

But our girl’s more of a shy person than she lets on. This whole relationship thing fairly freaks her out, but she’s ready to rise to the challenge. He’s worth fighting for, and she would do anything not to lose him. Already has, fighting off the rumors and other people’s opinions and trying to just not care.

Because, at the end of the day, just hearing him say “Goodnight” is enough to keep the nightmares at bay.

the party, part xxiv (24)

Two months pass.

Our girl and her best friend are still at the same point – the rollercoaster goes up and down just as it always has, only the highs seem to last a bit longer and the downs don’t get quite as bad as they used to. They both know they have each other’s backs, no matter what, even if sometimes they get so mad they don’t really feel like talking any more.

Any one remember that guy from a while ago? Someone that stepped into the play of our girl’s life around Act 20.5 (also known as Part 20.5 of this crazy story)? And how that seemed to go no where, never got talked about again?

He’s back.

And not just back – no, he’s completely immersed in her life. They’re dating, though it took her almost an entire day to realize it. “If I asked you that question I was going to ask you a while ago, you would say yes, wouldn’t you?” he nonchalantly asks at the end of their shared lunch period one day.

“Of course!” she responds, though at the time she just figures it’s a rhetorical question. It’s not until she actually asks if he meant it that she knows what’s going on. A simple “I already asked the question and got my answer, so what more do we need?” and her heart is a puddle on the floor.

And just in time for Christmas, too.

Apparently, Santa realized that our girl needed some extra cheer this season, because here is this amazing guy that she can’t even believe is her’s. Someone that can help her chase away the cold, someone to help cheer her up in these cold winter months that she loathes so much.

That’s not even all of it! Just as she’s freaking out about not being able to see him over the break, she discovers that he lives on the same block as her! As if it all wasn’t good enough, she gets to add that. Gets to add that this amazing guy is right there, and if she really needs him she knows he’ll come to help. It would only take five minutes at the most to get to her, after all.

So, Merry Christmas to the world, and here’s to hoping everything lasts.

----

Once he reads this, I hope he realizes.

The Party, Part XXIII (23)

It…was a miserable failure.


He showed, alright. But only it just wasn’t what it was supposed to be. Things didn’t flow, weren’t quite right, and it took awhile to get why out of him. He had a quasi-girlfriend, he said. And the cuddling party they were supposed to have? Couldn’t do it; didn’t want to upset Quasi-Girlfriend.

She feels like crap, understandably. This day was supposed to be for that. They were supposed to curl up and watch Twilight, like he had said weeks ago when he thought up this day. And, instead, she spends the first hour watching him program and the ones after that wondering why things always end up this way.

For, after all, wasn’t this supposed to be a Her-Him day?
Wouldn’t that, by definition, mean it was about both of them? Not just him? And, yeah, maybe it sounds a little self-conceited, but she needed just one day to vent about everything and pretend that he really loves her.
One day to forget the last few months and go back to when it was just so, so good.

Except she didn’t figure in him. Remembered, yeah, that those feelings all died within him a long while ago, but didn’t factor in anything else. Just the fact that he said the day was for whatever she wanted and even brought up the Cuddling Party idea.

It’s just…complicated.

He’s said before that he doesn’t want to become unnecessary in her life. Doesn’t want to get pushed out of the picture (though she knows it would never happen – he’d kick and scream the entire time). Well, neither does she. And she can’t help but think that this new girlfriend will try to push her out his picture (since it seems like that already, and only after one day!).

She doesn’t want to get left by another person, let alone him. It’s happened so many times in her life, and she doesn’t know if she could live through another abandonment. It’s the reason why she mothers so many people around her. She can’t bear to see them get hurt, and she wants to always be that person that’s always there for them. Even if they don’t always deserve it, she’s still there. Even if it kills her sometimes. Even if it might possibly be driving her insane.

For, if she can be there for them, then it makes sense that someone could do that for her.

The Party, Part XXII (22)

It’s the eve of Her-Him Day.


A day a month in the making, one magic day of calm with no school (!!) and relaxation. The day both have been waiting for, especially our girl. She just wants a day to veg with her best friend, chill out and have fun. Eat some animal crackers, maybe coerce him into watching Twilight, laugh and be herself.

But she can’t stop this feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach. He had a trip that weekend, and never called to set up times. Now, our girl is someone who double- and triple-checks plans, especially since she usually ends up getting the time wrong anyways. So when plans aren’t confirmed, she panics a bit.

Or, more like majorly.

It doesn’t help that it’s him, either, her crazy-rollercoaster best friend that usually bails on her anyhow. No…that makes her worry just the tiniest bit more. He says stuff before he speaks, things he thinks about our girl…and, well, she’s starting to think he’s just not going to show up. Oh, he’ll call later and say he was sleeping, and she’ll be heartbroken once again.

And then, predictably, he’ll apologize the next day, maybe even bring some sour punch straws to try and bribe her into forgiving him. And it’ll work because, jeeze, he’s hard to stay mad at. So she’ll just feel like crap, remember how it feels like when you’re just sure none of your friends really care, and he’ll ignore it like he usually does.

Talk about vicious circles, eh?

It’s what happens every time. He’ll initiate the plans, get her excited and thinking that maybe, just maybe, he might actually show, and then kablam! He bails again. It’s just what happens.
And yet, every time, our girl thinks this will finally be the time when he keeps his promise. This time will be the time he comes through for her, since she always does for him. This time he won’t make her miserable.
So…will this finally be that time?
(Because she sure doesn’t know)

the party, part xx.v (20.5)

Here's that missing part. Should go inbetween parts Twenty and Twenty One. Hence the ".v" Still have no idea how this got lost...(technically posted in December, 2009, fyi)

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Some light came back into her melancholic life.


Things still go up, up, up just to crash with the other guy, like it always has, but there might be someone new on our girl’s radar. Someone who just now entered into her mind, someone new and most defiantly not him. Not the one that’s hurt her so much, continues to hurt her even when he swears he hasn’t tried to.

But this new guy. New to her life, new to her circle of friends, but it feels like he’s been there forever. Warm, tight hugs that make you feel safe, an easy laugh and even easier smile. It makes our girl feel all fuzzy inside when she makes him smile, especially on his darker days.

But, as always, there’s a catch.

He’s dating one of her closer friends. Not someone on the fringes of her life, no – someone she could never hurt like that. Of course, our girl thinks as she touches up her nail polish as she watches reruns of pointless shows. As soon as I find someone that likes me and it’s all mutual and crap, he’s got a girlfriend. And not just someone random. No. It has to be her.

It brightens her day and darkens it all at the same time. She feels so good when she’s with him, relax and zero stress (something that is extremely rare these days). Again, in the wise sentiments of Cute is What We Aim For, “what’s a crush to do?” Especially under these circumstances.

She needs an alternate universe.

One where she has one great best friend she can tell everything to, instead of about four close friends that she trusts completely but can’t bring herself to open up to. There are new ones, those that used to hang on the outer threads of our girl’s thoughts. One, a writer much like herself, the one that dragged her to the Rockin’ On the Roof, is someone our girl just loves to be around. They can just relax together, being the consoler each is for everyone else for each other. Another is one that our girl was never as close to, but they get closer every day. They’re Spanish buddies, something their English teacher really disapproves of when they start chattering during grammar practice. Then, of course, are the other two: the boy that our girl can’t get out of her head and the girl that’s not in crew.

But the alternative universe. It needs to happen, she thinks, before every semblance of sanity leaves her existence. One where he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Where her best friends aren’t quite so messed up (not to say that she doesn’t love them even if they are). Where she can wake up in the morning and look the way she wants, even if it might never happen. A time and place where she can just be comfortable in her skin.

A place where she can truly be herself.