lost and found

“You’re beautiful” and I’ve lost myself. I am nothing but those words, nothing more than these complex feelings you’ve brought to me, packaged into two small words.

And then another three: “I love you.”

You have found me.

dusk

She danced on the fringes of moonlight, stars twinkling in her hands. The moon sat atop her head in a Milky Way diadem, night sky clouds drifting through her eyes.

He stood at the edge of daylight, molten lava flowing around him. Mountains formed behind him, lions stood beside him, sunlight shone from his eyes.

Their hands, lips, bodies met in the dusk. In that time when the world is neither day nor night. Neither hers, nor his.

And to this day, those that looked to the sky swore they saw fireworks.

the party, xxxix (39)

She pleads the same thing, everyday, like clockwork.

Whatever you want her to do, whatever you can promise to make him a permanent character, she’ll do it. In a heartbeat. Because this, she realizes, is what love should be. Being content to hear his voice if there’s no way to see him. Needing to hear him say “I love you” to sleep. Wanting him. Not like lust, no, because she would do anything to just have him hold her. Nothing more. Just to have him near, have him with her and not far away.

Eventually, people start to notice. “Ever few days, I think he appreciates you more than the few days before,” her mother observes one day. And when our girl asked him about it, he agreed:

“Why wouldn’t I – every day you give me something more to love,” he reasons.

It makes her smile. He makes her smile. Heck, even just thinking about him makes her smile. He’s everything she didn’t know she needed, or wanted. She is made beautiful simply when he looks at her. And for once in her life, she believes it when people say so. Doesn’t second guess, doesn’t just think they’re trying to be nice – really believes it.

She’s been in such an awesome place since she’s been with him. One of her friends, another from long before that our girl is reconnecting with (we’ll just refer to him as her brother, because he is in every sense except the, ya know, real one) pulls her to the side one day. “You look happy. That’s new. You haven’t been in a long time. I’ll let this one live,” he tells her, in his half-serious way that sometimes concerns her. But now it just makes her smile wider.

She doesn’t remember this kind of happy.

Not since high school started, at least. Not when she was a shell, a robot, on autopilot. Not with B. Not with A. Not with anyone else in the stretch of our tale.

But all of the sudden? It’s all good. Happiness and rainbows and butterflies. All that jazz and more. Much more.

And it’s all because of him.

the party, part xxxviii (38)

But maybe Prince Charming doesn’t have a white horse.

Maybe he doesn’t have anything like those fairytale men, and maybe he doesn’t need to. Maybe he’s simply been there all along, in the back of the picture, hiding out and always being there when he’s needed. Always kind, always handsome, always him.

Maybe he’s the one that friends have pushed from the beginning, someone from before the scary world of high school. Someone who remembers our girl back when she had Chewbacca hair and braces, and still liked what he saw. Who has admitted that he would like to stay throughout the duration of the party of her life. Who is hesitant in his comments, put more stock in actions than in simply saying, “You are so beautiful.”

Our girl doesn’t mind.

She’s kinda head over heels. It would be simple to brush aside B, A…the others in her past, but that wouldn’t be fair.

What is fair, though, is to say everything is different with this boy. This boy gets a full name, for instance : Alex. He means to much to our girl; our silly girl who is just starting to figure out she’s never grasped loved before, never even glimpsed it.

It’s been right here all along.

In this wonderful boy, who understands her. Doesn’t make her second guess his feelings, calls her every day whenever he can (even on Christmas, sneaking out to ‘walk the dog’ and call her), and shows her that she is beautiful – to him. Nothing else really matters.

He brings her to dinner with his parents, his grandmother at a country club (yeah, crazy, right?!) and never says a word about how she looks. He doesn’t need to. It’s all in his eyes and how they seem to never leave her the entire night. The way he looks at her makes her want to hide for fear of him realizing she’s not as much as he seems to think she is. To apologize for not being whatever his image of her is.

Please, please world: don’t take this one away, she pleads, not him.

the party, part xxxv (35)

The monotony brings about some amazing things.

There is a boy, one from before our tale began, one from when our girl still dreamed of being in high school. Her first serious boyfriend, a boy that was wrenched away by a jealous 'friend' all those years ago. Someone she was afraid to talk to for the longest time. The one she's spent almost two full days talking to.

Her new boyfriend. They guy that makes her feel invincable, tells her how pretty she is and makes her feel happier than she's been.

It's incredible, actually.

How they went from the intense seperation to this closeness...even though they're 700 miles apart at the moment. Just started talking, out of the blue, then ended up together by the morning light. He makes her feel like she can do anything, because he believes in her.

And it's not the falseness like ones in the past. Everything is amplified. The sun is brighter, her bed is cozier, and just hearing his laugh makes her grin.

She is about to go crazy missing him, though.

Two days, she thinks, waiting for the trip back home. Two more days, and then I'm home. She can't wait.

Moments are counted down, trying to spent time at work to make the hours fly by quicker. Phone calls snuck on break, talking to the guy that makes sure that silly smile is on her face. It's more than she could ask for.

More than she ever thought she deserved.

the party, part xxxiv (34)

The overhaul has begun.

“Friends” have been deleted off of facebook, special lists made so only the people she cares about can talk to her, and craziness averted. It feels liberating and amazing and like she’s wrapped up in a blanket of love. (Cheesy, she knows)

And she’s down South at the family restaurant; the zoo didn’t get her references in time so she was ineligible to help out there. But it’s fine. Work’s fun. The servers and bartenders are so incredibly nice and welcoming, and she doesn’t have to go into work until 4 or 5 in the afternoon. What more could you ask for?

Her friends, that’s what.

She misses them so much, and there’s only so much you can talk about on the phone. It’s a million times better in person. There’s a few people down here, of course, but she doesn’t really know them and the only time they have together is when they’re all working. She wishes her friends had snuck down in the trunk or something, anything to keep her sane.

Because the mornings, before work? She’s home alone, and it gets pretty boring after the first hour or two. There are only so many games online she can stand before going braindead.

But she deals with it.

There’s no going home, no crying “Uncle” or clicking her heels three times. There’s only waiting for two weeks to pass, sometimes in monotony and sometimes so busy time flies.

there's so much sun where i come from

Ohmahgosh, lovlies, I have writings for you!!!!!!!!!!

Crazy, right? But on the way down to workcation home, at a hotel, I got inspiration! Like when "Lion Boy" (aka Adrian) was born!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He had cornflake golden hair, eyes like emeralds, and he was my best friend. It was right after the school play - me and one of the other girls forgot the words to our song and everyone was mad. I sat by myself in the very last row of the auditorium, just thinking.

One of his friends came over, arms overloaded. "He wanted me to give these to you. Says you're still his little dreamer."

I took his armful, suprised at the weight. It was a card, a hardcover journal and a bag of mini KitKats - my favorites.

I opened the card first. It had been blank on the front, but the inside was full of his messy scrawl.

Dear you,

You did brilliantly, no matter the mistakes you made. You're still you, and that alone made this play worth watching.

I don't know how to say this. It's new to me, uncharted waters. I love you. You would know this if you paid attention to my songs, to my short stories...they're all about you. They've always been about you.

You've been my playmate, my protector, the one to be protected, my first kiss (since we both just wanted it over with), my confidant. But I want you to be my first - and only - love. Honestly, I think I've wanted that ever since we were little.

You're my little dreamer. I'm forever yours.

Love,

Gabriel

I vaguely realized I was crying as I finished reading. I had felt this every day of my life, ever since he entered into it. But to know he felt the same way was new. It was exhilarting, thrilling, uplifting.

I could see him from where I sat, and I wanted to go to him right then. But there was still the matter of the journal. I opened the front cover, seeing his familiar scrawl once again

Things about Hayley

That was when my control broke. I grabbed my pile of stuff and rushed over to him. I guess something in my eyes gave me away, because his friends left as soon as they saw me coming.

I dropped my stuff in a seat next to where we stood.

"Hey," he grinned, uncharacteristic nervousness in his voice.

"Hey," I whispered, before taking his hand in my own. "I love you too, Gabriel."

And then I kissed him.

It was like every kiss should be. Innocent, sweet, demanding, playful. Exploring. Souls connecting, so close you can almost tell the others' thoughts.

There was longing and passion. I could tell just how long he'd been waiting in every insistant kiss.

And then, it was over.

I felt like crying again, because of how empty I felt once it was over, but happy about the future - our future.

By looking at his face, I could tell he felt exactly the same. Wiping a stray tear off my face, he whispered tenderly, "I'll always love you."

---------------------------------------
What do y'all think? I'm kinda hoping to channel this into Lion Boy somehow.

it's a shame, i'm a dream...

I love dreams sometimes. Sometimes they make absolutly no sense, sometimes they help you work through things, sometimes they inspire best-selling novels...I'm kinda hoping this one is part of the last.


Everything about him was intriguing


A bronze-golden mane of hair, eyes of the warmest amber. An easy and carefree laugh, quiet personality, love shining out of his eyes. He called me his girl, his beautiful writer girl, and I felt like my world was complete and I could die a happy person.

He was a lion incarnate, strong and regal energy radiating out of his every restless movement. We were at a venue kind of place, a small one where everything feels more personal and intimate, and his band, The Escape, were playing. He played the drums, though he had the charisma, voice and the looks to be a front man if he wanted. His skin was golden, sun kissed honey, a very light sprinkling of freckles across his nose, too light to see unless you were extremely close and looking. Which I was.

He wore jeans – not the skintight skinny ones, but not the farmer boy carpenters either – with a grey tshirt with an octopus on it that hinted at some nice abs. Old, yet not ratty, Converse hugged his feet, “I <3 Reading” shoelaces dragging a bit on the floor. On his right wrist was a friendship I had made him an eternity ago when we were strictly just that – friends. Now we were something more. Something scary and thrilling and amazing.

His grin was pure light, pure electricity. That head of bronze-golden hair curled slightly were it ended around his ears, and his bangs helped add a bit of playful mystery when he leaned down to kiss me. At about five foot ten, he was a good eight inches taller than me – just enough height to make things comfortable, but he still had to lean down slightly to get close to me.

letter # the third

How is it that something as small as looking into someone’s eyes is enough to say what you can’t find the words to say? That one look can tell you infinitely more than what words could ever say? That one glance can steal your breath away and make you crave just one more glimpse?

I never thought that I would ask those questions. Never thought I would need to, thought that as soon as you found someone you could just use words and they would be enough.

They’re not.

Words are so amazingly insignificant sometimes, not seemingly enough to express what we really want to say from the bottom of our souls. It’s like they stand in for the language of our soul – like when you translate something from Spanish or French to English and that certain “oomph” is missing.

But looking into your eyes, I know I don’t need words. That you can just steal one fleeting look at me and know everything I’m thinking. That I don’t need to explain myself, because you already know.

I love that.

the party part xxix (29)

It worked!

Everything went well, surprisingly. There were problems, of course, but in the end nothing was burnt and everything was edible. He even said he liked it. Smiled wide and went, “Good job. I was actually really pleasantly surprised.”

Her blush lit her up like a Christmas tree. Well, according to him, since making her blush seems to be one of his favorite things to do. He just does that to her. Makes her so inexplicably happy without even trying.

She loves it.

And all their inside jokes and the stupid things they do together and the way he can be nice to her little brother even when he’s driving them both insane. The way he makes things like hide-and-seek fun. And watches stupid movies with her just to hold her. (which is pretty much her favorite part). How he lets her steal his hoodie or necklace to wear.

The hoodies make her feel safe. They smell like him and it makes her feel like he’s hugging her. She couldn’t explain it, doesn’t know how to put it into words, but they just do.

She’s so much happier than she’s been in a long time.

A moment to gush, since she can’t to her friends: He’s completely wonderful, and just makes her feel like she means something. Like she can actually do the things she wishes she could. Makes her feel invincible and vulnerable and like she can do anything because he believes that she can.

In Howl’s Moving Castle, they say “A hearts’ a heavy burden.” But it’s one she’ll gladly accept.

Because it’s his, hopefully.

the party, part xxviii (28)

So…she’s going to cook for him.


It’s a bit scary. She, after all, failed when trying to make macaroni and cheese out of the box – because she didn’t know how to boil water. And he wants to be a baker when he’s older, so he knows a thing or two about cooking.

This whole dinner is her way of winding him down after a week of harsh exams. Her way of kinda celebrating their one month a week late and toasting to the fact that they’re halfway through the school year. To just sit there and eat together, without the hassle of everyone in their lunch period.

She might possibly be in over her head.

One of her best friends joked about getting a distress signal once our girl enters the kitchen, and she’s probably not that far off. Our girl is more talented with mixing up some brownie batter and licking the spoon afterwards. Not throwing together an entire dinner for someone she actually wants to impress.

The only thing she can think to get her mind off of her inner freaking out is to study, but the only exams she has left are nothing. Her art one she can opt out of, and the Photoshop one you get to have the application open the entire time. So she sits at her computer and writes, hoping it will have the same affect.

(writer’s block sucks)

Hard to write something to calm your own nerves when the words just won’t flow. When they get stuck somewhere between you heart and your fingertips and the blood just won’t thicken into ink.

It’s enough to relax her by listening to him play video games. He gets so into it, yelling at the screen and freaking out. It’s even better, though, because he’s in a great mood and she just can’t help laughing. There’s so much about him that she loves, like how he says Pear-e instead of Paris, and how he can make her blush with a single word, a single gesture.

She’s pretty much on cloud nine, even if she is still freaking out a bit.

the party, part xxvii

It’s the eve of their official one month.


And our girl is trying to hype herself up on caffeine and get the creative juices flowing. She’s never gotten to this point before, never thought she could, and yet here she is. And, of course, this is the moment she needs her words to flow and they suddenly decide to stop.

It’s like the words got clogged up somewhere between her heart, her mind, and her fingertips. The words that once poured out, ink spilling like blood, are now stuck. The adjectives and verbs and nouns all caught up somewhere else, taking a little vacation at the most inconvenient of times. Deserting her and making writing the simplest of sentences more difficult than it all needs to be.

But she could care less.

Because she is so unimaginably happy. He’s like every love song she ever heard wrapped into one amazing person. Every cliché. Every bit from a book that made her say, “I wish this would happen to me.” His smile makes her want to be so much more than she is, makes her believe she really can be better.

He calls her his fishie, his angel, but the only thing she cares that he calls her is his. His girl. The first time she heard him say it, she caught her breath, not daring to believe he had really said it. But he had.

Prepare for the invasion of warm fuzzies.

She could never have prepared for any of this, and every day she wakes up and thinks it’s all been some great dream. Something her imagination ran wild with, imagining all these great situations, and now she’s woken up and it’s still 2009 and she’s alone.

The best part is seeing him. Because, once he smiles, then she knows it wasn’t a dream, it’s all real, and somehow she got someone this great. Someone who argues, “No, I’m the lucky one to get a girl this beautiful.” Someone who won’t let her get all depressed, because he’ll jump in and wink at her before she can even think about getting sad.

Someone she just can’t believe she has in her life.

the party, part xxvi (26)

And hearing that does keep them away.


Nightmares have dogged her every step for the last month or so. Not things that go bump in the night, but things more realistic and things that scare her. Situations that play out and end up losing people or having to admit that there’s nothing she can do to save those that mean so much.

But he helps. A lot. Far more than she would have ever imagined. It’s like hearing that can just erase every dream that tries to worm it’s way into her head until only the good ones can squeeze through. Like she has her own personal dream catcher.

She blushes a lot more these days, too.

It’s something he’s commented on a few times. That, and the fact that her heart’s beating quicker than lightning every time he hugs her. There’s nothing she can do about it – it’s just him. Just the way he makes her feel. It drives her crazy (in a good way) that all he can do is wink at her and she just smiles like some crazy person.

They’ve been together just shy of a month. It seems so much longer to both of them, that they can hardly believe it. Seems crazy that they knew each other for so long before getting over everything and finally getting together. It’s been a crazy, insane, amazing last few weeks.

Our girl’s never smiled so much in her life.

Or blushed so much, or laughed at such ridiculous things, or been able to write so well. She can sit down now and crank out over a thousand words in 15 or 20 minutes. There’s so much energy in her that she can’t just sit still. She has to do something, anything at all. For the first time in a while, she has an escape other than her bedroom. Has a confidant that doesn’t just meow at her and then run away.

She has someone who means the world to her. Someone that makes her heart beat just a bit faster whenever she just thinks about him. Someone that knows all the right things to say to drag her out of her deepest sadnesses or make her laugh.

Someone that is just so incredibly amazing that she doesn’t know what she did to deserve him.

the party, part xxv (25)

The New Year is rung in.


She spends it dancing crazily downtown, seeing one of her favorite bands ever with one of her favorite people. A slower song comes on, and he wraps his arms around her waist and starts dancing with her in a crowd of thirty thousand people. It’s like time slowed down and the world was just the two of them.

A sigh escapes her lips before she can stop it. She didn’t even want to – she’s happy and content and freezing her butt off but it’s all worth it. Because this guy is so amazing. Because she can hardly believe she’s really there. Because she’s never felt this great before.

And this is only their first date.

Only the first time when people would see them in a public and go, “Hey, look, they’re together.” The first time when she really felt claimed by someone who cared for her outside of her family. The first time when she can totally let go of every inhibition she has and be herself. The first time someone has accepted her as such.

Somehow, in that moment, she is a part of everything around her. The happiness of everyone in the crowd, the pleasant tingle of human contact, the music pouring out of the sound system.

And once the music stops, she knows she still has him.

Let’s just call this guy A. (to make things simpler for everyone). He’s pretty much the greatest thing she’s ever seen, and our girl is happier than she been in a long, long while. He…he just knows her. Somehow always knows exactly what to say, like the right response is tattooed on our girl’s forehead, and somehow is just this really sweet guy. She’s never had anything like that. It’s like that Orianthi song – “According to You”. Before, her best friend’s opinion was all that mattered. But this guy? A? His opinion is what’s great. Because he’s just spent time telling her how wonderful she is, how pretty, and how he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else than with her.

But our girl’s more of a shy person than she lets on. This whole relationship thing fairly freaks her out, but she’s ready to rise to the challenge. He’s worth fighting for, and she would do anything not to lose him. Already has, fighting off the rumors and other people’s opinions and trying to just not care.

Because, at the end of the day, just hearing him say “Goodnight” is enough to keep the nightmares at bay.

the party, part xxiv (24)

Two months pass.

Our girl and her best friend are still at the same point – the rollercoaster goes up and down just as it always has, only the highs seem to last a bit longer and the downs don’t get quite as bad as they used to. They both know they have each other’s backs, no matter what, even if sometimes they get so mad they don’t really feel like talking any more.

Any one remember that guy from a while ago? Someone that stepped into the play of our girl’s life around Act 20.5 (also known as Part 20.5 of this crazy story)? And how that seemed to go no where, never got talked about again?

He’s back.

And not just back – no, he’s completely immersed in her life. They’re dating, though it took her almost an entire day to realize it. “If I asked you that question I was going to ask you a while ago, you would say yes, wouldn’t you?” he nonchalantly asks at the end of their shared lunch period one day.

“Of course!” she responds, though at the time she just figures it’s a rhetorical question. It’s not until she actually asks if he meant it that she knows what’s going on. A simple “I already asked the question and got my answer, so what more do we need?” and her heart is a puddle on the floor.

And just in time for Christmas, too.

Apparently, Santa realized that our girl needed some extra cheer this season, because here is this amazing guy that she can’t even believe is her’s. Someone that can help her chase away the cold, someone to help cheer her up in these cold winter months that she loathes so much.

That’s not even all of it! Just as she’s freaking out about not being able to see him over the break, she discovers that he lives on the same block as her! As if it all wasn’t good enough, she gets to add that. Gets to add that this amazing guy is right there, and if she really needs him she knows he’ll come to help. It would only take five minutes at the most to get to her, after all.

So, Merry Christmas to the world, and here’s to hoping everything lasts.

----

Once he reads this, I hope he realizes.

Fairytale

Just wanted to share something I wrote in the little bit of time I can squeeze out when I'm not writing my novel. It was my and a friend's 10 month "friendaversary" and I wrote this for him. Kudos to anyone who can guess what other story of mine he was in.

~

Once upon a time there was a girl, quiet and distant as the moon, just wandering her way through high school. It was like being in a dark room – feel your way until you figure out what’s going on. Sometimes you get hurt on things you didn’t know were there, sometimes you found things that ended up changed your life.


Finding him was one of those things that turned her world upside down. He was a sun, shining and surrounded by those orbiting planets. She couldn’t get close. Being a moon, being surrounded by the stars that were cold and distant, it was hard to get close to the warmth.

For he was always surrounded, always protected by a barrier of people she couldn’t get the courage to go talk to. Those that scorned her, those that wrote her off as a nerd or “one of those stupid emo people”

There were the common threads that drew their orbits closer though. Rowing in the river, something neither one had control over, it connected the two. Things were rocky at first, but it was one of those ‘opposites attract’ situations. (Even though some days were worse on about twenty different levels).

Things progressed. Days faded into nights, sometimes making it hard to tell when one became the other. They spent more time together, in and out of the boat. Soon they didn’t need the planets or stars hanging around, should things explode. Soon they knew they could exist in the same space without consequences.

When the moon fell for the sun, the days had grown warmer. They spent as much time together as possible, and just maybe he was falling for her too. Days were spent wandering around, sitting in the swing and talking about life and all its mysteries. Time spent by just being together, tracing life lines and holding just holding on.

She left for the briefest of times, and in her absence the sun imploded. Did something stupid, causing the moon to wane and hide within herself and her words. Forced her into covering the pain to make it all work out.

Things got worse before they got better. For a long while, the moon was bitter and hated the things the sun had done. Hated how it ruined their chance, since they only seemed to get one. She shed many a tear, covered the world in fierce moonlit rainstorms.

Little by little, though, she let the sun back into her life. Let his warmth shine in, illuminating her world and showing her what she was missing out on when she hid in a corner and read. Introduced her to people and programs she would have been far too shy to have found on her own.

He helped her grow. She over came so many fears just by talking through them with him. Through their late night conversations, she learned just as much about herself as she learned about him. Even though he denies it, sometimes she thinks she sees a side of him he doesn’t normally show people. A side that makes her feel all warm and fuzzy inside when she sees it. The person she fell for in the first place.

And it breaks her heart every time.

Oh, she knows that everything in the past is gone and done with, but she can’t help it. He’s the very closest and best friend she’s got, and it would kill her to lose him like she thought she had before. She guards her heart now, jaded by love, but she doesn’t want him to go through that. Because she’s so protective, none of the girls he parades in front of her measure up.

None of them are me, she can’t stop herself from thinking, though it won’t do any good for either of them.

The truth of the matter is, the lines are blurred sometimes with them. The sun goes off and doesn’t talk to her for days, then can’t stop telling her how much he loves her the next. She doesn’t mind, has gotten used to these ups and downs – something, she reasons, any sun has the right to do, being so warm. Everything must have it’s time to relax, take off the mask – but some days are harder to deal with than others.

There are so many things, though, that she wishes she would have been bold enough to do. Seized those moments she knew he wanted to kiss her, gone for it instead of waiting for him to make the move. Been more assertive and told him exactly what she thought. Shouldn’t have second-guessed her feelings and her ethics.

In the here and now, though, the moon is genuinely content and happy. Who better to have in your life, she reasons, than this person? He’s amazing, and always there when you need him. In short, how could you not want him in your life?

They have known each other not even a full lunar year, but she feels as if it’s been millennia longer. He knows her more than anyone else. Sometimes it scares her, to think that someone can guess her actions and motives before she even knows them herself, but it’s a nice thing sometimes too.

Simply put, the moon would do anything to protect the sun. She would stand in front of the bullet, protect him against others, even as he yelled at her to “Get out of the way, stupid!”

It works both ways. She wears her heart on her sleeve and loves with every last inch of it. Not surprisingly, it scares people off. It nearly scared him off. So he acts as an older brother, a bodyguard. A guy starts to like her? He has a nice little conversation with them about what happens if they hurt her in any way, shape or form.
She’s never felt more loved or more protected. Never felt safer. Never felt that she had someone not inside her family that could care this much.
And she loves it.
It helps her through her darkest hours, lets her know she’s not alone in this cold universe. Though he has his days – he is a Sun, after all, and prone to those ups and downs – she knows he loves her just as much as she loves him. There’s an unspoken agreement that he’s just not as good about expressing it as she is.
She used to think that she wanted and needed this more than he did, but she’s starting to change her mind. He can seem cold-hearted and distant, but she knows when he just needs some time alone and then he’ll be fine.

NaNoWriMo

Just wanted to know if any of you are participating in this year's NaNo. If so, friend me! My link is under 'where's adalia?'.

I'm trying to go with my story "Au Revior", but I'm about 9,524 words short right now for where I should be (10002 by the end of the day). Here's the plot synopsis and detailed plot (the first one would most likely go on the back cover)

Plot Synopsis

Ashling Smithson is a normal girl. Normal, that is, until she meets the mysterious Joel Tariq. He’s everything she could have dreamed of – a best friend, gentleman, and boyfriend all rolled up in one amazing person.

Well, so she thought.

Turns out there’s something far more sinister than she could imagine lying just beneath his perfect green eyes. Joel’s part of an ancient organization, the Jareth, and they’re not the only baddies out there. Besides Joel, another, far more horrifying, group is creeping out of the shadows to steal Ashling as their own.

What would you do if your soul was not yours to fight for anymore?

PLOT:
Ashling is floating along her senior year of high school just wanting it to be over. With the new year comes new people, people she envies for their anonymity. One of them catches her eye, a gorgeous boy named Joel Tariq. She’s immediately drawn to him, almost inexplicably so. It’s as if he was a close friend she hadn’t seen in years.

After getting to know one another and getting as close as she’s ever gotten to a person, Ashling learns something that will change her life: Joel is one of the Jareth*. They specialize in things she’s only suffered countless nightmares about, things that shouldn’t rightfully exist.

And they want her.

Yes, the collection of ghoulies and legendary creatures want her in their midst. Especially a very scrumptious looking vampire who’s already captured her heart and soul – Joel. He’s convinced she’ll stay with him forever – including the “changes” that would have to happen to keep her with him.

Why is he so drawn to her? Because everything about her is reminiscent of his Juliana, one who died over 300 years ago. Joel is sure that Ashling is her reincarnation, and their sudden and strong-as-steel bond is almost enough to convince her too. Joel’s determined not to lose her soul again…

He just didn’t count on Them. Them being the “badder” guys, the Carden**. They are convinced just as surely as Joel is that Ashling will be theirs – just like with Juliana. A genuine creature of the darkness. The reality behind every myth and horror story you’ve ever heard.

When you’re as powerless as Ashling feels in this situation, how could you even begin to try and escape it all? Especially since it seems that escaping the worse means letting go of the best.

The Party, Part XXIII (23)

It…was a miserable failure.


He showed, alright. But only it just wasn’t what it was supposed to be. Things didn’t flow, weren’t quite right, and it took awhile to get why out of him. He had a quasi-girlfriend, he said. And the cuddling party they were supposed to have? Couldn’t do it; didn’t want to upset Quasi-Girlfriend.

She feels like crap, understandably. This day was supposed to be for that. They were supposed to curl up and watch Twilight, like he had said weeks ago when he thought up this day. And, instead, she spends the first hour watching him program and the ones after that wondering why things always end up this way.

For, after all, wasn’t this supposed to be a Her-Him day?
Wouldn’t that, by definition, mean it was about both of them? Not just him? And, yeah, maybe it sounds a little self-conceited, but she needed just one day to vent about everything and pretend that he really loves her.
One day to forget the last few months and go back to when it was just so, so good.

Except she didn’t figure in him. Remembered, yeah, that those feelings all died within him a long while ago, but didn’t factor in anything else. Just the fact that he said the day was for whatever she wanted and even brought up the Cuddling Party idea.

It’s just…complicated.

He’s said before that he doesn’t want to become unnecessary in her life. Doesn’t want to get pushed out of the picture (though she knows it would never happen – he’d kick and scream the entire time). Well, neither does she. And she can’t help but think that this new girlfriend will try to push her out his picture (since it seems like that already, and only after one day!).

She doesn’t want to get left by another person, let alone him. It’s happened so many times in her life, and she doesn’t know if she could live through another abandonment. It’s the reason why she mothers so many people around her. She can’t bear to see them get hurt, and she wants to always be that person that’s always there for them. Even if they don’t always deserve it, she’s still there. Even if it kills her sometimes. Even if it might possibly be driving her insane.

For, if she can be there for them, then it makes sense that someone could do that for her.

The Party, Part XXII (22)

It’s the eve of Her-Him Day.


A day a month in the making, one magic day of calm with no school (!!) and relaxation. The day both have been waiting for, especially our girl. She just wants a day to veg with her best friend, chill out and have fun. Eat some animal crackers, maybe coerce him into watching Twilight, laugh and be herself.

But she can’t stop this feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach. He had a trip that weekend, and never called to set up times. Now, our girl is someone who double- and triple-checks plans, especially since she usually ends up getting the time wrong anyways. So when plans aren’t confirmed, she panics a bit.

Or, more like majorly.

It doesn’t help that it’s him, either, her crazy-rollercoaster best friend that usually bails on her anyhow. No…that makes her worry just the tiniest bit more. He says stuff before he speaks, things he thinks about our girl…and, well, she’s starting to think he’s just not going to show up. Oh, he’ll call later and say he was sleeping, and she’ll be heartbroken once again.

And then, predictably, he’ll apologize the next day, maybe even bring some sour punch straws to try and bribe her into forgiving him. And it’ll work because, jeeze, he’s hard to stay mad at. So she’ll just feel like crap, remember how it feels like when you’re just sure none of your friends really care, and he’ll ignore it like he usually does.

Talk about vicious circles, eh?

It’s what happens every time. He’ll initiate the plans, get her excited and thinking that maybe, just maybe, he might actually show, and then kablam! He bails again. It’s just what happens.
And yet, every time, our girl thinks this will finally be the time when he keeps his promise. This time will be the time he comes through for her, since she always does for him. This time he won’t make her miserable.
So…will this finally be that time?
(Because she sure doesn’t know)

the party, part xx.v (20.5)

Here's that missing part. Should go inbetween parts Twenty and Twenty One. Hence the ".v" Still have no idea how this got lost...(technically posted in December, 2009, fyi)

-

Some light came back into her melancholic life.


Things still go up, up, up just to crash with the other guy, like it always has, but there might be someone new on our girl’s radar. Someone who just now entered into her mind, someone new and most defiantly not him. Not the one that’s hurt her so much, continues to hurt her even when he swears he hasn’t tried to.

But this new guy. New to her life, new to her circle of friends, but it feels like he’s been there forever. Warm, tight hugs that make you feel safe, an easy laugh and even easier smile. It makes our girl feel all fuzzy inside when she makes him smile, especially on his darker days.

But, as always, there’s a catch.

He’s dating one of her closer friends. Not someone on the fringes of her life, no – someone she could never hurt like that. Of course, our girl thinks as she touches up her nail polish as she watches reruns of pointless shows. As soon as I find someone that likes me and it’s all mutual and crap, he’s got a girlfriend. And not just someone random. No. It has to be her.

It brightens her day and darkens it all at the same time. She feels so good when she’s with him, relax and zero stress (something that is extremely rare these days). Again, in the wise sentiments of Cute is What We Aim For, “what’s a crush to do?” Especially under these circumstances.

She needs an alternate universe.

One where she has one great best friend she can tell everything to, instead of about four close friends that she trusts completely but can’t bring herself to open up to. There are new ones, those that used to hang on the outer threads of our girl’s thoughts. One, a writer much like herself, the one that dragged her to the Rockin’ On the Roof, is someone our girl just loves to be around. They can just relax together, being the consoler each is for everyone else for each other. Another is one that our girl was never as close to, but they get closer every day. They’re Spanish buddies, something their English teacher really disapproves of when they start chattering during grammar practice. Then, of course, are the other two: the boy that our girl can’t get out of her head and the girl that’s not in crew.

But the alternative universe. It needs to happen, she thinks, before every semblance of sanity leaves her existence. One where he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Where her best friends aren’t quite so messed up (not to say that she doesn’t love them even if they are). Where she can wake up in the morning and look the way she wants, even if it might never happen. A time and place where she can just be comfortable in her skin.

A place where she can truly be herself.