the party, xxxix (39)

She pleads the same thing, everyday, like clockwork.

Whatever you want her to do, whatever you can promise to make him a permanent character, she’ll do it. In a heartbeat. Because this, she realizes, is what love should be. Being content to hear his voice if there’s no way to see him. Needing to hear him say “I love you” to sleep. Wanting him. Not like lust, no, because she would do anything to just have him hold her. Nothing more. Just to have him near, have him with her and not far away.

Eventually, people start to notice. “Ever few days, I think he appreciates you more than the few days before,” her mother observes one day. And when our girl asked him about it, he agreed:

“Why wouldn’t I – every day you give me something more to love,” he reasons.

It makes her smile. He makes her smile. Heck, even just thinking about him makes her smile. He’s everything she didn’t know she needed, or wanted. She is made beautiful simply when he looks at her. And for once in her life, she believes it when people say so. Doesn’t second guess, doesn’t just think they’re trying to be nice – really believes it.

She’s been in such an awesome place since she’s been with him. One of her friends, another from long before that our girl is reconnecting with (we’ll just refer to him as her brother, because he is in every sense except the, ya know, real one) pulls her to the side one day. “You look happy. That’s new. You haven’t been in a long time. I’ll let this one live,” he tells her, in his half-serious way that sometimes concerns her. But now it just makes her smile wider.

She doesn’t remember this kind of happy.

Not since high school started, at least. Not when she was a shell, a robot, on autopilot. Not with B. Not with A. Not with anyone else in the stretch of our tale.

But all of the sudden? It’s all good. Happiness and rainbows and butterflies. All that jazz and more. Much more.

And it’s all because of him.

the party, part xxxviii (38)

But maybe Prince Charming doesn’t have a white horse.

Maybe he doesn’t have anything like those fairytale men, and maybe he doesn’t need to. Maybe he’s simply been there all along, in the back of the picture, hiding out and always being there when he’s needed. Always kind, always handsome, always him.

Maybe he’s the one that friends have pushed from the beginning, someone from before the scary world of high school. Someone who remembers our girl back when she had Chewbacca hair and braces, and still liked what he saw. Who has admitted that he would like to stay throughout the duration of the party of her life. Who is hesitant in his comments, put more stock in actions than in simply saying, “You are so beautiful.”

Our girl doesn’t mind.

She’s kinda head over heels. It would be simple to brush aside B, A…the others in her past, but that wouldn’t be fair.

What is fair, though, is to say everything is different with this boy. This boy gets a full name, for instance : Alex. He means to much to our girl; our silly girl who is just starting to figure out she’s never grasped loved before, never even glimpsed it.

It’s been right here all along.

In this wonderful boy, who understands her. Doesn’t make her second guess his feelings, calls her every day whenever he can (even on Christmas, sneaking out to ‘walk the dog’ and call her), and shows her that she is beautiful – to him. Nothing else really matters.

He brings her to dinner with his parents, his grandmother at a country club (yeah, crazy, right?!) and never says a word about how she looks. He doesn’t need to. It’s all in his eyes and how they seem to never leave her the entire night. The way he looks at her makes her want to hide for fear of him realizing she’s not as much as he seems to think she is. To apologize for not being whatever his image of her is.

Please, please world: don’t take this one away, she pleads, not him.

i want your love, and i want your revenge

You know I'm in a bad place when even a playlist of Glee music can't help me. Keep Holding On, Don't Stop Believing, Bad Romance, Dream a Little Dream, No Air, Jessie's Girl...and I still feel sad.

And today's the day that the family is celebrating my sweet sixteen. Going out for dinner, maybe seeing Scott Pilgrim...speaking of which, had to go and make one of these avatars for myself. Make your own here.

I want someone like that. I could be Ramona, I could have the Evil Exes, and my very own Scott Pilgrim...and he would actually love me enough to battle the Evil Exes. And Audra could be my Kim.

Shouldn't be so complex, to find love, but there it is.

your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

I should just not listen to BLG anymore. They have a song for everything for me, and they all have stories I can't help but think of everytime I hear them.

Like "Thunder". The lyrics are last summer, with B, and all the talking we did. All the time. On the phone, on email, through texts...but it's also New Years' Eve. With A. Dancing in a crowd of unknown faces and feeling invincible and warm inside even though I was freezing.

Then there's "Contagious". Can't listen to that one anymore. When me and A finally started hanging out again, after that final breakup, we were swinging at the park when it started to play on my phone. And it's PERFECT, the two of us to a T. I don't know if I'm ever going to stop caring about him. He means too much to me.

...I just don't know what to do anymore. About anything. Let me know if you get it figured out, will ya?

love is vulnerability

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

So I guess I'm a pretty vulnerable person then. Because I love far too quickly and care far too deeply. I care so much that I even still care about people who apparently now hate me (*cough*A*cough*) and get swept away.

I'm a romantic, I can't help it.

I go and read LGMH and I can't help but want that. Someone that would get the two of us on there.

But every time I think I find it, something steps in and destroys it. Last summer, with B; the last few months with A...I really thought I had found it. Thought that my searching was over for a while, I could take a break and fall back into something comfortable and relaxing.

I've realized that with A, none of it was really relaxing at all. He drained me, emotionally and mentally. I couldn't deal with the constant up and down, even though I tried to convince myself that I could. Imagine loving someone who may or may not feel the same way in the morning? Yeah, it's exhausting. Now imagine that the same person is pretty much bipolar, just won't go and get the official diagnosis. Makes it even worse

With B, though, the relaxing was real. Everything went slow and comfortable and it was like we were best friends before we were anything else. And then I went on that stupid trip, and...yeah, it all got way better while I was gone, and then it came crashing down around me.

I wish we could get back to that, somehow. Even though I know it'll never happen.

you don't wanna know

Why today was WAY less than great:

1) I decided to try and talk to A. It did not go well, please don't say I told you so, because I am well aware that you did.
2) Geometry Test
3) Health Test
4) Headache is worse than ever, if even possible
5) Jordan freaked out on me again

Why today was ALMOST great:

1) Audra signed my yearbook, and made me laugh. "I want you to get mauled by a bear, so then you'll be horribly disfigured and no one will love you but me." xD
2) Me and B started talking again! I'm on the phone with him right now :)
3) He's ^^^ faking a hilarious Indian accent
4) TOMORROW'S FRIDAY!!!
5) Pandas, Totoros and  Beartatos - OH MY!!!

the party, part xxxiii (33)

The One Acts are cancelled.


And He decided to be all bratty about the concert; her book is going nowhere because she keeps procrastinating instead of writing it; her AP History exam is in 9 days; she’s going a bit crazy; TV is becoming more and more intriguing, even over her books (gasp!); and she just is generally more scatterbrained then ever before.

On top of that, the guy she had been interested in seems to have gone for someone else. This is a different guy, not the one that started out so good and went so bad. But it doesn’t matter, not really. Because he asked another to prom, not our girl. Because her friend told him he was crazy for even thinking she would say yes.

But she would have. :(

And now our girl’s being all melancholy and jaded and wants to curl up in bed and watch Miyazaki movies all day. Not go to school, not deal with everyone’s little pieces of drama, just relax and calm down for once.

She needs to have that little piece of time for herself, since she seems to have lost it. The time where she could sit down and write and not feel like “Oh, I should be doing this, this and this”. Where all she needs to do is write, pour her soul out. Not be worried about mundane little things like usual.

But she is.

The school year’s almost up, and she’s got some things to sort out. Like that AP test. And dragging her geometry grade up. And figuring out her summer. Should she volunteer at the zoo, or go help out at the family restaurant? Who is she going to actually care about once school’s over?

Our girl’s going into a friend over-haul. Over the summer, she’s only staying in touch with the people that actually care. Not people who sometimes say hi to her in hallway. The people that have actually touched her life.

So, who’s going to make it?

let's make this night a classic...

Prom tonight for everyone but me.

Because my friend told the guy that wanted to ask me that I would never say yes.

Even though I totally would have. Because he's one of my very best friends, and it's PROM for crying out loud! At the Gardens, too, which is going to be magical and beautiful...yeah, I'm just kinda bitter about it.

And then the Paramore thing. He's still being all "Oh, I don't know..." even though the concert is in like 8 days. So I'm trying to find someone else to go with me. My mom might, though, and that'd be awkward and cool at the same time. Bonding and music she's never heard of.

Oh, and guess what?! I get to get my tattoo for my birthday!! Getting on my heel, maybe with a small fish somewhere on it, cuz my motto lately is "Just keep swimming...." :)

colors rising, i'm forgetting where i've been

I just...I don't know.

We finally are talking (again, this up in the rollarcoaster, apparently). I still have no idea about the Paramore concert, I have wicked writers' block, and my allergies are acting up.

I don't mean to complain, but I'm just...blah.

You ever have those days (or weeks) where you just feel tired and you need a LOT of sleep? Yeah, that's me. What I would not give to be able to pause time, curl up in a pocket of it and get done what I need to and sleep some more. They say the most "successful" people sleep, on average, like 2.5 hours a night or something. I could never do that.

I'm rambling again, I know. But I am tired and sick and I almost just want it to be summer. Except I'd miss people.

Me

He almost tackled me, and I was kinda scared

Then he said , "Oh, that one's from Eric!"

Eric

i gave gim a big and gentle hug to give you! not a "tackle hug"!....he messed up my order!!!

lol

((Oh, how I love my friends))

let it...die?

We had fire in our eyes
In the beginning I
Never felt so alive
In the beginning you
You blame me but
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't want to hear it anymore

I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't care about you anymore
We had time on our side
In the beginning we
We had nothing to hide
In the beginning you
You blame me but
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't want to hear it anymore

I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't care about you anymore

You say that I didn't try
You say that I didn't try
You say that I didn't try

I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try

I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore

~Three Days Grace

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Let's point out that A told me to look up these lyrics this morning, after telling me that we're pretty much not going to Paramore. Yeah, I'm pretty mad.

today 4 you...?

I'm having the best Valentines' Day ever.

Seriously.

And I'm hugging a two foot tall bear that A. got for me. It's pretty amazing.