12 December 2011


i could tell you what you want to hear. "i'm fine, just tired" or "i'll be okay once i rest" or "it's just the weather getting me down". but it wouldn't be true.
it hurts to try and care, let alone actually do it. you just get hurt, so why do it? that's all that ever happens to me. i open my heart, care, let someone else in....and a week later, a month, maybe even a few months later it's all gone and i'm left with the hurt. the crushing loneliness and the sleepless nights spent crying until i feel like i could never cry again.
i'm sorry i've hurt you in all my confusing ways. my brother who does nothing but help. the one guy that tried and tried. my twin. my best friend. others that i probably do not even know.
every day, i feel like i've gone bipolar or something. half the time i have no idea where i stand, the other half all i want to do is curl up in a ball on my bed and cry until sleep takes over for my exhausted body.

02 October 2011

should you need it....

Hotline: 1-630-482-9696
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433
LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255
Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743
Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438
Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673
Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272
Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000
Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253
For any problem (for teens): 1-877-968-8454

01 July 2011

one day…

One day, I will find him.

He will be dark haired, and have blue eyes, and a charming (and disarming) smile. He’ll catch me off-guard. Maybe he’ll be 
in one of my classes, or work with me, or bump into me at the mall and offer to buy coffee.

We’ll become friends. And I’ll slowly introduce him to everyone I care about, starting with those that are like family and working my way to the actual one. He’ll have to be approved by Eric and Alex (for even if we dated before, he still knows me very well), and will hopefully become friends with them. Then he’ll meet TJ, and Bren, and Audra, and Jess. And my 
family. My family will love him, by the way. 

He’ll understand my clingy nature, and not be annoyed if I call him 3+ times if he doesn’t answer. He will be spontaneous and romantic and take me on old-fashioned dates and to the bookstore for a whole day. He’ll understand when I cry during movies, and argue about Harry Potter with me. He’ll be as well-versed in books as I am, and love cheesy Disney 
movies and understand that Nutella makes everything better.

He’ll go shopping with me and not get annoyed - just tell me I’m beautiful in all the dresses I try on. We’ll spend days just 
lying in the grass, watching the clouds, and talking. 

He won’t disappear and leave me lonely. If he can’t get to me, or knows he won’t be able to call later, he’ll do it earlier and 
let me know. And he won’t cancel dates unless it’s terribly important, and he’ll never make up excuses.

He’ll get along with my friends, and his will like me too. And if they don’t and say something terrible about me, he’ll 
actually stand up for me. He’ll show them that I’m important too. 

He’ll love me.

27 June 2011

what am i s'posed to do, when the best part of me was always you?

It shouldn’t be this much to ask. To have you call me back, or at least not make it so I end up calling you three or more times before I give up. To not have to feel hopeless and helpless and generally just lost in every sense of the word.
I’m simple. I really, truly am. I like to know I can rely on you, especially on such simple a thing as calling me back.
I feel like I’m just something on the side for you. There when it’s convenient and when you want it, but when you don’t…well, then you just simply don’t. Then you simply just don’t answer the phone, don’t message me back, don’t do anything.
This is why I hate the distance. It would be one thing if I could come see you more, if there were more things we could do. But with a 25 mile distance (though not grand, admittedly) there is less and less I’m finding. Rides are trouble enough – neither set of parents wants even a weekly drive either way, much less both. It’s a hassle, and I understand that. But that shouldn’t be what keeps you away, should it?
All I seem to know is that, lately, all I do is hurt. I’m granted brief reprieve when you decide to answer your phone, or actually follow through with plans (which you always seem to have some flimsy excuse to have to cancel on me for).
I love you, but I do not love this.
And it kills me how much it hurts sometimes.

13 June 2011

will you let me stay a while?

I wish you could see yourself the way I do. All the planes and angles and curves of your face, your arms, your chest. All those places I have grown to know so fondly.

I wish you could look through my eyes, through my soul, see and feel all that I do. Maybe then you could understand. Maybe then you would be gentler on my heart.