10 July 2009

The Party, Part XIV (14)

She went away for a week.

To the West Coast. To Las Vegas, L.A., Hollywood, Santa Monica…places far enough away to get him off her mind. Or at least that what she hoped. She went through the airport security, sat next to a psycho lady on the plane that kept talking about plane crashes, and wandered around Las Vegas until it was well past 3 a.m. her time. Spent time with her family, drove over 3 hours into L.A. for distractions, didn’t hear a word from him.

Then she sent a recent blog post [Dear Internet…] to him, hoping it would show him how much his actions affected her. Later that night, after briefly exchanging texts with him, she got a message back. “I just read your email. That was like a reality check. I feel awful, truly awful. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. I promise you forever that I won’t hurt you like other guys. You deserve more, and I feel bad. One more chance? Please let me make it up.”

She hoped he meant it as she typed back an, “Okay, one more chance”.

So, she spends the last five or six days of her vacation texting him, stealing a few moments on the phone whenever they both can. She learns more about him, sees the sweet side he doesn’t normally let out. “I miss you,” is just one of the things he tells her, “I wish I could be at the airport when you get in to give you a big hug.”

As much as she’s craved these words, she needs to know he’s not just uttering them out of some weird sense of retribution for the way he’s treated her. As much as she loves to hear the words fall from his mouth, she needs to know he means them. As much as she needs them, she needs to know they’re real.

What’s stopping her?

The past. The way he can look to her for sympathy, just as everyone else does, and know she’ll give it. How she’s been treated in the past, not necessarily by him – by others, crushes and friends alike. Her own wariness that it might be good for a while, but how long is that? How long before something goes bad? And if it does, what would happen to them? Because she doesn’t think she could bear it without him in her life.

It’s mostly just insecurities. Misplaced, maybe, but she’s always been her own biggest critic. She’s heard boys say before that she meant a lot to them and all that other crap, and they’ve always ended up doing something to prove their own words wrong. Will he end up doing the same thing?

She hopes not with every part of her heart.

The Party, Part XII (13)

She doesn’t know what to do.

The guy of her dreams is still in love with someone else. Someone half-way across the country who it doesn’t even seem cares for him. Maybe our girl’s mistaken, and everything’s mutual, but…well, she wants him all to herself. Wishes she was the girl he would run away for, even if they only live a mile apart. If she moved, would he even care?

She thinks not, since a lot of their relationship is shared through two-hour phone calls, meaningless texts, and her stories. Stories she writes to try and make sense of all this chaos. He always asks to read them, and some she lets him, but now…They were so close, so what happened?

She doesn’t know.

He got distant. It was super hard to get a hold of him, even harder to actually see him. He gradually stopped talking for as long, sometimes not even calling until half her phone time was up. Their talks start lasting an hour, 45 minutes, then…nothing. He isn’t calling. She waits by the phone, writing stupid stories on an old notepad, hoping every second that the phone will ring.

She poured her heart out to him, and he didn’t even care. Didn’t say a single word, just picked up the controller and plays Guitar Hero alongside her. “Well…?” she prompts, hoping for a response – any response – but gets nothing.

He has nothing to say, it seems.

She doesn’t know what it means, and she’s not sure she wants to. Some things are better left unsaid, right? Still, she can’t help but wish she could spend her summer happy in his arms instead of working at trusting him again. Because it’s going to take work, and she doesn’t think he can work at fixing them.

They’ve always fit perfectly, comfortably together, even when things were rough, but this time she doesn’t know how to handle this. He means so much and she’s not just going to pack up and leave – no matter how hard he tries to get her to.

She sighs, wishing love could just be easy.

04 July 2009

Maybe It's NOT Hopeless...

This summer, I mean. Maybe he's finally figured out how not to be a jerk, and maybe things are starting to look up. I mean, when he apologizes for a week straight and spends as much time as possible talking to me, when in the past he spent what he thought he had to, isn't that an improvement?

I think so. Hope so, actually. Really, though, I believe that he's not giving me empty words like before.

So, Las Vegas. Man...I went everywhere. Saw all the hotels on the strip, went to L.A. (saw Hollywood, including Michael Jackson's star [so many people!!]; Melrose; Venice Beach; Santa Monica...) It was a great vacation, and I hope they'll let me come back sometime.

Nothing much else. Hopefully I'll have some actual writing for you soon. Peace out, for now!