10 July 2009

The Party, Part XIV (14)

She went away for a week.

To the West Coast. To Las Vegas, L.A., Hollywood, Santa Monica…places far enough away to get him off her mind. Or at least that what she hoped. She went through the airport security, sat next to a psycho lady on the plane that kept talking about plane crashes, and wandered around Las Vegas until it was well past 3 a.m. her time. Spent time with her family, drove over 3 hours into L.A. for distractions, didn’t hear a word from him.

Then she sent a recent blog post [Dear Internet…] to him, hoping it would show him how much his actions affected her. Later that night, after briefly exchanging texts with him, she got a message back. “I just read your email. That was like a reality check. I feel awful, truly awful. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. I promise you forever that I won’t hurt you like other guys. You deserve more, and I feel bad. One more chance? Please let me make it up.”

She hoped he meant it as she typed back an, “Okay, one more chance”.

So, she spends the last five or six days of her vacation texting him, stealing a few moments on the phone whenever they both can. She learns more about him, sees the sweet side he doesn’t normally let out. “I miss you,” is just one of the things he tells her, “I wish I could be at the airport when you get in to give you a big hug.”

As much as she’s craved these words, she needs to know he’s not just uttering them out of some weird sense of retribution for the way he’s treated her. As much as she loves to hear the words fall from his mouth, she needs to know he means them. As much as she needs them, she needs to know they’re real.

What’s stopping her?

The past. The way he can look to her for sympathy, just as everyone else does, and know she’ll give it. How she’s been treated in the past, not necessarily by him – by others, crushes and friends alike. Her own wariness that it might be good for a while, but how long is that? How long before something goes bad? And if it does, what would happen to them? Because she doesn’t think she could bear it without him in her life.

It’s mostly just insecurities. Misplaced, maybe, but she’s always been her own biggest critic. She’s heard boys say before that she meant a lot to them and all that other crap, and they’ve always ended up doing something to prove their own words wrong. Will he end up doing the same thing?

She hopes not with every part of her heart.

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