29 September 2009

the party, part xx.v (20.5)

Here's that missing part. Should go inbetween parts Twenty and Twenty One. Hence the ".v" Still have no idea how this got lost...(technically posted in December, 2009, fyi)


Some light came back into her melancholic life.

Things still go up, up, up just to crash with the other guy, like it always has, but there might be someone new on our girl’s radar. Someone who just now entered into her mind, someone new and most defiantly not him. Not the one that’s hurt her so much, continues to hurt her even when he swears he hasn’t tried to.

But this new guy. New to her life, new to her circle of friends, but it feels like he’s been there forever. Warm, tight hugs that make you feel safe, an easy laugh and even easier smile. It makes our girl feel all fuzzy inside when she makes him smile, especially on his darker days.

But, as always, there’s a catch.

He’s dating one of her closer friends. Not someone on the fringes of her life, no – someone she could never hurt like that. Of course, our girl thinks as she touches up her nail polish as she watches reruns of pointless shows. As soon as I find someone that likes me and it’s all mutual and crap, he’s got a girlfriend. And not just someone random. No. It has to be her.

It brightens her day and darkens it all at the same time. She feels so good when she’s with him, relax and zero stress (something that is extremely rare these days). Again, in the wise sentiments of Cute is What We Aim For, “what’s a crush to do?” Especially under these circumstances.

She needs an alternate universe.

One where she has one great best friend she can tell everything to, instead of about four close friends that she trusts completely but can’t bring herself to open up to. There are new ones, those that used to hang on the outer threads of our girl’s thoughts. One, a writer much like herself, the one that dragged her to the Rockin’ On the Roof, is someone our girl just loves to be around. They can just relax together, being the consoler each is for everyone else for each other. Another is one that our girl was never as close to, but they get closer every day. They’re Spanish buddies, something their English teacher really disapproves of when they start chattering during grammar practice. Then, of course, are the other two: the boy that our girl can’t get out of her head and the girl that’s not in crew.

But the alternative universe. It needs to happen, she thinks, before every semblance of sanity leaves her existence. One where he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Where her best friends aren’t quite so messed up (not to say that she doesn’t love them even if they are). Where she can wake up in the morning and look the way she wants, even if it might never happen. A time and place where she can just be comfortable in her skin.

A place where she can truly be herself.

The Party, Part XXI

Every bit of her soul just wants to curl up and sleep.

She’s tired, in mind and body, and just wants all the noise to stop. All the pain and heartbreak people lend her. She’s always felt everything too much, always been able to tune into other people’s emotions and problems, and it’s finally too much. Taking the darkness out of people’s hearts was way more tiring than she ever would have thought.

But she was their therapist. The person everyone could count on. The one, it turns out, that everyone used – all for their own reason. Some as the conscious they shut up long ago, others to remind themselves that they are good people, and still more just for the reassurance that someone in this world cares.

And she does.

But some days, she needs someone there for her. Someone to do the same thing that she does every day. A best friend. Sure, she has those 3 that call themselves that, but are they what they say? One hardly has the time of day for our girl, saying and doing stupid things. Another broke her heart, and it’s a different story every day with him. The last is the only one of the three who’s stuck by our girl for four years now, but now she has her faults as well. Simply put, she’s a princess.

So why does our girl put up with it? Why does she deal with the pain that haunts her every day? The people who could honestly care less?

Simply put, she cares too much.

She’s gone through so much, and she doesn’t want them to have to go through it alone like she had to. She wants them to know that someone would be crushed if anything happened to them. So she doles out her heart in pieces , handing them to those she know that need them. Those that might not have anyone else.

But the suffering always gets to be too much. It’s a habit that’s darn near impossible to break. So is our girl destined to feel like this forever?

Cos she can’t do this that long.

The Party, Part XX (20)

“Things can’t possible get any worse, can they?”

She almost afraid to ask, scared to jinx herself and make everything so much worse. Scared that, yeah, she screwed everything up with anyone, and maybe, just maybe, he’s right. Maybe she never will be in love. Maybe she’s actually as stupid as she might think, and maybe she really doesn’t deserve it all. Maybe it really is her place in life to just write about love, step into her characters’ shoes and pretend her life’s a movie.

If her life’s a movie, though, then what is it? Some dark comedy, where she’s the butt of all the jokes? Some docudrama on high school life, showing one girl who just can’t get it right? Where’s the leading guy, and why can’t he be played by Taylor Lautner or something? Why can’t her life be interesting, not just depressing?

God…why is stuff so incredibly hard?

Why can’t it be like some cheesy teen novel: girl meets guy, they fall for each other, happily ever after? Close the book, the end, move on with your day. Wonder how perfect their lives were with each other after that last page. Why does it have to be girl falls for loser after loser, jerk after jerk, and every time swears it will be the last time it happens to her?

She’s wasted so much time, so much energy, so many tears…it’s like that quote. “The ones that make you cry aren’t worth your tears, and the one who is will never make you cry.”

Let’s face it: maybe he was right, much as she doesn’t want him to be.

Maybe he was right when he gave that weird little speech. “About love, the glass isn’t just half empty – it’s completely empty. And when you go to the store to buy more, you can’t. Because they don’t have any in stock. Because they don’t make it anymore. And you just have to suck it up and keep going.”

Yeah, great thing to say when she’s already hurting. But tact is dead, after all, a fact that doesn’t go unnoticed by him apparently. She called him to feel better, for him to whip out that best friend pick-me-up vibe. It kinda failed, obviously.

But, well, what’s a girl to do?

The Party, Part XIX (19)

And…well, it seems things can’t always go as well as we all hope.

Especially for our girl. Sure, she said she was fine with the “best friend” status. Sure, she just took all her feelings and shoved them as far below the surface as she could. Sure, it killed her every time he brought up his latest crush and she couldn’t say a single thing. Sure, she wanted to explode.

But she didn’t. Not for the longest time, and it surprised her. She wanted him so badly, and yet she forced herself to keep everything buried. Forced herself to never show him that one weakness, even though she promised him honesty. It killed her to lie like that, but she knew there were times when he did the same thing to her.

She’s sick and tired of all this running around in circles.

Deep down, she knows she would be lying if she said she could handle losing him. The fact of the matter is, she’d be lost without him. He’s the closest friend she has. But she now knows the rest of the story, and it infuriates her to no end. He truly cared for her, did even when he screwed up so badly, and after. But he feels like he wronged our girl, and that’s when he says things went downhill.

But what sense does that make? His “morals killed it”? What does that even mean? Frankly, our girl thinks it’s an out-right lie, a feeble excuse meant to soothe her aches. It doesn’t. If anything, it makes everything so much worse. Makes her want to curl up and listen to Taylor Swift because, darn it, that girl knows exactly what our girl’s life is like. Every song is a piece of her story, every chord something her heart can echo.

Pathetic, huh?

Especially because our girl doesn’t want to mess anything up. At the same time, though, she wants nothing more than to at least try. They both know they’re mature enough that if they were to break up they would still be as close as they are now. So why not at least try? It breaks our girl’s heart every time it’s even remotely brought up.

And didn’t she just think everything was perfect?!? How the times have changed, and in the space of a few short weeks. As soon as the soap opera qualities are eliminated, here comes the new school year with new relationships and new drama. Except a new relationship for our girl. Because she’s just the “best friend”. Like she’s always been. Not the girl that anyone wants, just the one that everyone knows will have their backs. Even if they’ve treated her like crap. Even if she feels like crap. Because she’s herself, and she has much too big of a heart.

It’s not their fault, but could everyone stop breaking her heart all the time?

28 September 2009

The Party, Part XVIII (18)

Who knew with hard work anything can be reality?

It’s true, it’s true! Great friendships can stand the tests and trials of the world, even the trials that have been thrown at our girl these last few months. In the somewhat space of a few weeks, things have defiantly taken a turn for the better. Sure, he’s back with his ex, sure things were pretty dang rocky for a month or so, but things are back to the amazingness that they used to be.

Back to the days when conversation flowed easily and could go on forever it seemed. Days when no subject was unapproachable, when every word seemed sacred and revered to her. Even now, though she knows that he will never be more than her very best friend (which doesn’t bother her as much as some might think), it seems like things just clicked back into place. Simple enough, easy peesy lemon squeezy, right?

And it is.

It seems that she’s almost always smiling now. There’s not the weight of the drama and stress upon her shoulders and she can hang out with him, no pressure from either of them. And he’s doing that thing again, the thing where he draws her out of her shell without her even realizing it. First, an introduction into the world of school-based clubs, with the diversity club that she now wonders why she was never in. Then she gets ‘dragged’ to the first football game of the season – one that she knows they’ll lose, since they’re not the best team ever and they’re playing one of the best teams around.

She’s catching up with other friends too. One that she always loved, that never really got closer than the fringes of our girl’s personality, she’s getting closer and closer with every day. Our girl went to an event at their church – Rockin’ On the Roof – and spent a lot of time with her. Painted each others’ faces, went through the rummage sale and tried on outrageous things, and generally just had a blast. It was more fun than our girl thinks she’s had in ages.

The social butterfly appears again, huh?

For awhile, everything seemed to revolve around this guy. She always wanted to see him, sometimes even planning things around when he said he was coming, but now? Now, she has other people she genuinely wants to spend time with, others she isn’t wary of letting in. She’s always going to be apprehensive of who she lets in, but she’s getting better at picking the ones that won’t hurt her. People she takes her time with, getting to know them before rushing in and labeling them her ‘BFF’.

That’s not to say that she doesn’t have them, though. There’s the two girls (who hate each other, and that makes it hard for our girl to ever throw a party) and this boy who’s been the focus for so long. They get her, different as they may be. Sometimes our girl feels bad about being so close to the guy and her crew best friend, but that’s not to say she doesn’t love the other girl too. And even though they all have their own problems, she knows they all have her back when push comes to shove.

She finally knows just who her friends are.

The Party, Part XVII (17)

She’s lost the will to put down her thoughts, her life, in words.

It’s not him, not entirely, but something more. Who would ever read her words, hear her story, and care? It’s the story of thousands of girls across the world; what makes her so interesting when others are going through the exact same thing? Sure, there are variations, but what makes her’s seem more noteworthy?

It might just be life in general. Her birthday came and went; a blur of friends, presents, homemade cake and bowling. He was there, even if it was awkward and strained at times. Surrounded by those she cared most about, why did she feel like something was missing? Searching her thoughts later she can’t come up with any semblance of a reasonable explanation.

And then her best friend had to get out that paper.

She’d been having her own problems with another one of their Crew Boys. Circumstances made things difficult, but he genuinely loved her. Our girl reads the nine-page letter he wrote her, sighing as she wished someone would ever care enough about her to do the same thing. “You are truly one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met in my life,” she confesses to him over the phone. “She is so lucky to have you.”

It might seem stupid, but our girl lives in her stories now. Slips herself into her heroine’s worn-out Converse and kicks some major jerk-butt. And, of course, she always ends up with the guy of her dreams. Not one who will treat her like every other one in the world. One that thinks she’s special and interesting as the person she is, not who he can make her into. One that she can’t ever imagine is actually hers.

But, in the words of Cute is What We Aim For, ‘what’s a crush to do’?

The night of her birthday he tells her, as nicely as possible, that she needs to get over it, they never had anything anyhow, and, although he had liked her, the feeling went away as his ex’s feelings for him came back. “It’s not like there’s some switch I can flip and make it all go away,” she sighs into the phone, exasperated. “It’s not as easy as that.”

“Then work at it,” it seems he all but snaps at her. Combined with a whopping three hours of sleep and cake overload, the day after our girl’s birthday is one of laziness and muted anger. In the quiet first hours of the next day, he is not something she can deal with. Not something she wants to deal with, if this is how he’s going to act like. She’s admitted she messed up, tried to smooth over her mistakes and mend relationships that have crumbled. Him? He can’t even see what he did wrong, let alone try to come along and fix it.

So, is this destined to crash and fail, or can a great friendship be salvaged?

The Party, Part XVI (16)

Apparently hoping wasn’t enough.

He doesn’t like her, a fact delivered with nonchalance over the phone. “Not like that. The feelings aren’t mutual,” he says, probably in nicer terms, but those are the only words that register. She just stands in shock in her kitchen, trying to let the words sink in. Trying to stop the numb sensation spreading quicker and quicker through her body. Surely I heard him wrong…she thinks even as she begins to realize that she did, in fact, hear him correctly. She realizes even more when later he tells her he has a girlfriend, on top of everything else, and they’ve been together for over a month.

Even as she starts to understand, though, more and more questions stand at the tip of her tongue. Why did he say all that stuff, then? Why did he promise so much when it all hinges on that one fact? The “waiting will pay off” bit? Was it all just a lie? Why was he so darn sweet to her, saying things he knew she wanted to hear? Why…why didn’t he just tell her?

She…she just doesn’t know what to think anymore.

Common sense tells her she has every right to yell at him – a fact reinforced by him saying the same thing: “Yell, please, yell at me. I know you want to.” But she can’t. Even though every part of her knew this day would come, no matter how much she wished it wouldn’t, she still wishes she was wrong. Wishes that she could do-over everything to see if it changed anything. Tone down the stubborn anger that she knew was misplaced at the worst of times. Take back some things she said, some things she did.

It seems our girl isn’t made for love after all. That’s what? Seven guys to dump her – even if they weren’t technically going out – in less than three years? Quite a bad track record, if you ask me. Especially since they were hardly creative about it. So many used the “It’s not you, it’s me,” line or “I’m not ready for a relationship right now, but if you wait we’ll happen,” that it wasn’t even funny. But every time, the same result: our girl, alone.

There are only so many times you can bounce back, after all.

Sure, she’s not old enough to be jaded about love. Sure, they think she doesn’t know a thing about what she wants, let alone what she needs. Sure, maybe they’re right and she’s just a silly little girl trying to find love like in the books. But that doesn’t stop the pain from coming every time it happens. They always have an excuse, and it seems it’s always like she’s just the girl who’s good for a friend but never for more than that.

That’s the way it’s always been, hasn’t it? Always the friend, never the love interest. Never the main character. In fact, one of those aforementioned guys only asked her out after she helped him try to win over another girl (who then turned him down, so our girl was always his “next best option”). They’ve all had their excuse, and every time it hurts more because it seems she’s fallen harder.

Happy birthday to our girl (may things start to look up).

The Party, Part XV (15)

Things are so confusing lately.

She doesn’t know what’s going on, and the fact that she hasn’t seen him in over two weeks is making everything that much murkier. He’s not the boy she thought she fell in love with, acting differently and saying things that she can’t make sense of when they get the, now rare, chance of talking. Things about anything, everything, that trail into, “…never mind, I can’t tell you; you’ll get mad and hang up on me.”

The only part that makes her mad is the fact that he’s saying that. If it’s going to make me mad, then why don’t you keep it to yourself then? she thinks as she rolls her eyes. Surely, if you’re mentioning it, then it must be of some significance. She’s even told him that, but she doesn’t think it held any effect over him.

She knows her anger may be misplaced, but…

But he has been a jerk lately. Instead of trying to help, work things out when he knows she’s upset or console her when she cries, he shuts down and avoids it. “If he truly cares, like he says he does, then why does he do this?” she asks her best friend. “Why does he act the opposite of how he says he feels?”

The answer is always, “You could walk away if you wanted to, you know.” Yes, she knows, but she doesn’t want to. She knows he can be a jerk, can bring in drama – the one thing she keeps trying to eliminate in her life – and can hurt her more than she cares to admit. But she doesn’t care. Everyone tells her things would be much simpler without that extra hassle, but he’s the hassle she chooses. The hassle she doesn’t generally mind.

Even he agrees with everyone else though.

“You deserve so much more,” he mumbles into the phone. “Someone who won’t hurt you near as much as I already have. Someone who can treat you the way you deserve to be treated.”

Can’t you be that person? she wants to ask. Can’t you get over whatever it is that makes you act the way you do about this and be the person that loves me for me? She thinks he could be, hopes so, believes so with her heart.

But is that enough?

Soul Searching

If you looked into someone’s soul, I wonder what you would see. Would it be a collage of memories, like photos glued on top of one another? A bright sphere of light tinted with brightness and darkness? Something whole and pure or something that shows the wear and tear we all acquire through life? The person as they really are, or the person they imagine themselves as?

I wonder if you looked into my soul what would you see. All my secrets laid bare out for you. All my dreams and desires and longings and anguish and fear. Fear of what has happened, the future, now. Would my soul be complete, perfect? Or would it show the holes from things in my past? Things like the father that wasn’t even one, my grandmother’s death and the general hassle that is being a teenager. The skeletons in my closet; I wonder what you would think of me once you knew them and all that they entail.

Would you still see me?

Would you see something you would consider beautiful, or just beautifully broken once you glimpsed my soul? Can you see it when you search my eyes? Do you see it coming through to try and meet yours?

The Next Day...

If you saw my soul now, all you would see is grey. Maybe some tinges of deep blue, some small bit of white. But mostly grey. Why? One’s soul reflects one’s emotions. And now I feel as if those I let closest are now the ones that don’t care what happens. No messages, no phone calls, nothing. Once we were the ones that people envied due to our closeness, our single-mindedness. We were always together, always had each others’ backs. Now? Our glue has come undone, our threads frayed, our seams ripped to pieces.

And me? I was always the mender, it seems. But now that I’m the patch that needs fixing, who will come and help me?

It seems no one.

Three Weeks Later...

Threads weave themselves in and out of the fabric of our lives, mending that which we thought could never be whole once more. Friendships slip back together, proving that they can stand the test of time. I feel like my soul is a nice, pastel yellow, reflecting the happiness and calm I know possess.

Sure, things got worse before they got better. Many tearful conversations, many hurtful words, many confessions made. Grey turned into black with mad dashes of violent red and envious green.

But the main point is, they did get better. It seems that just when we start to think things could never get any better, Life throws us something unexpected and wonderful.

Nice way for my soul to end another year in this world.


Some older stuff, left over from this summer.

03 September 2009


I love Tokio Hotel. I absolutely love them. It might sound stalkerish, but I drove three hours last summer to see them for less than ten minutes. They are just that amazing. So, humor a girl and go listen to this if you like them, or if you've never even heard of them. Then go listen to their old CD. Especially the orginal German version of Monsoon.

On a side note, I'll try to get some new stories to you all soon. BUT school starts soon, and the duties of a sophomore seem immense, so I can't promise anything.