30 December 2009
-sigh- Couldn't you just be like 50 degrees? Just for one night?
'K, thanks, bye.
29 December 2009
Remember that awesome guy I was talking about? Yeah, that's my boyfriend. And to add to the awesomness?
HE'S TAKING ME TO A BOYS LIKE GIRLS CONCERT FOR NEW YEARS.
Okay, so it's free and all, but it's the thought that counts. He knows how much I love them, even if he knows none of their songs, and he's taking me out to dinner.
Needless to say, I'm stoked. Utterly and completely stoaked. :)
27 December 2009
19 December 2009
Our girl and her best friend are still at the same point – the rollercoaster goes up and down just as it always has, only the highs seem to last a bit longer and the downs don’t get quite as bad as they used to. They both know they have each other’s backs, no matter what, even if sometimes they get so mad they don’t really feel like talking any more.
Any one remember that guy from a while ago? Someone that stepped into the play of our girl’s life around Act 20.5 (also known as Part 20.5 of this crazy story)? And how that seemed to go no where, never got talked about again?
And not just back – no, he’s completely immersed in her life. They’re dating, though it took her almost an entire day to realize it. “If I asked you that question I was going to ask you a while ago, you would say yes, wouldn’t you?” he nonchalantly asks at the end of their shared lunch period one day.
“Of course!” she responds, though at the time she just figures it’s a rhetorical question. It’s not until she actually asks if he meant it that she knows what’s going on. A simple “I already asked the question and got my answer, so what more do we need?” and her heart is a puddle on the floor.
And just in time for Christmas, too.
Apparently, Santa realized that our girl needed some extra cheer this season, because here is this amazing guy that she can’t even believe is her’s. Someone that can help her chase away the cold, someone to help cheer her up in these cold winter months that she loathes so much.
That’s not even all of it! Just as she’s freaking out about not being able to see him over the break, she discovers that he lives on the same block as her! As if it all wasn’t good enough, she gets to add that. Gets to add that this amazing guy is right there, and if she really needs him she knows he’ll come to help. It would only take five minutes at the most to get to her, after all.
So, Merry Christmas to the world, and here’s to hoping everything lasts.
Once he reads this, I hope he realizes.
18 December 2009
And hopefully that will bring me to my dream.
16 December 2009
I can not even begin to tell you all how many times I've smiled in the past few days. I think I almost forgot how it was to be this incredibly happy.
Guess this is my refresher course. :)
15 December 2009
12 December 2009
But some days?
Well, some days it's like, "Don't you understand that when I say 'leave me alone' I really mean it?" Especially when I need to get away from all of their drama for ONE DAY and they can't handle it. Or I just don't talk to anyone much for one school day, and everyone flips out and tells me to stop being so depressed.
I can get like that sometimes, and it needs to happen. Otherwise, I'll really go crazy.
06 December 2009
03 December 2009
25 November 2009
http://www.averagewizard.com/ (the Harry Potter version of MLIA)
They will change you life. Seriously.
22 November 2009
Once upon a time there was a girl, quiet and distant as the moon, just wandering her way through high school. It was like being in a dark room – feel your way until you figure out what’s going on. Sometimes you get hurt on things you didn’t know were there, sometimes you found things that ended up changed your life.
Finding him was one of those things that turned her world upside down. He was a sun, shining and surrounded by those orbiting planets. She couldn’t get close. Being a moon, being surrounded by the stars that were cold and distant, it was hard to get close to the warmth.
For he was always surrounded, always protected by a barrier of people she couldn’t get the courage to go talk to. Those that scorned her, those that wrote her off as a nerd or “one of those stupid emo people”
There were the common threads that drew their orbits closer though. Rowing in the river, something neither one had control over, it connected the two. Things were rocky at first, but it was one of those ‘opposites attract’ situations. (Even though some days were worse on about twenty different levels).
Things progressed. Days faded into nights, sometimes making it hard to tell when one became the other. They spent more time together, in and out of the boat. Soon they didn’t need the planets or stars hanging around, should things explode. Soon they knew they could exist in the same space without consequences.
When the moon fell for the sun, the days had grown warmer. They spent as much time together as possible, and just maybe he was falling for her too. Days were spent wandering around, sitting in the swing and talking about life and all its mysteries. Time spent by just being together, tracing life lines and holding just holding on.
She left for the briefest of times, and in her absence the sun imploded. Did something stupid, causing the moon to wane and hide within herself and her words. Forced her into covering the pain to make it all work out.
Things got worse before they got better. For a long while, the moon was bitter and hated the things the sun had done. Hated how it ruined their chance, since they only seemed to get one. She shed many a tear, covered the world in fierce moonlit rainstorms.
Little by little, though, she let the sun back into her life. Let his warmth shine in, illuminating her world and showing her what she was missing out on when she hid in a corner and read. Introduced her to people and programs she would have been far too shy to have found on her own.
He helped her grow. She over came so many fears just by talking through them with him. Through their late night conversations, she learned just as much about herself as she learned about him. Even though he denies it, sometimes she thinks she sees a side of him he doesn’t normally show people. A side that makes her feel all warm and fuzzy inside when she sees it. The person she fell for in the first place.
And it breaks her heart every time.
Oh, she knows that everything in the past is gone and done with, but she can’t help it. He’s the very closest and best friend she’s got, and it would kill her to lose him like she thought she had before. She guards her heart now, jaded by love, but she doesn’t want him to go through that. Because she’s so protective, none of the girls he parades in front of her measure up.
None of them are me, she can’t stop herself from thinking, though it won’t do any good for either of them.
The truth of the matter is, the lines are blurred sometimes with them. The sun goes off and doesn’t talk to her for days, then can’t stop telling her how much he loves her the next. She doesn’t mind, has gotten used to these ups and downs – something, she reasons, any sun has the right to do, being so warm. Everything must have it’s time to relax, take off the mask – but some days are harder to deal with than others.
There are so many things, though, that she wishes she would have been bold enough to do. Seized those moments she knew he wanted to kiss her, gone for it instead of waiting for him to make the move. Been more assertive and told him exactly what she thought. Shouldn’t have second-guessed her feelings and her ethics.
In the here and now, though, the moon is genuinely content and happy. Who better to have in your life, she reasons, than this person? He’s amazing, and always there when you need him. In short, how could you not want him in your life?
They have known each other not even a full lunar year, but she feels as if it’s been millennia longer. He knows her more than anyone else. Sometimes it scares her, to think that someone can guess her actions and motives before she even knows them herself, but it’s a nice thing sometimes too.
Simply put, the moon would do anything to protect the sun. She would stand in front of the bullet, protect him against others, even as he yelled at her to “Get out of the way, stupid!”
It works both ways. She wears her heart on her sleeve and loves with every last inch of it. Not surprisingly, it scares people off. It nearly scared him off. So he acts as an older brother, a bodyguard. A guy starts to like her? He has a nice little conversation with them about what happens if they hurt her in any way, shape or form.
She’s never felt more loved or more protected. Never felt safer. Never felt that she had someone not inside her family that could care this much.
And she loves it.
It helps her through her darkest hours, lets her know she’s not alone in this cold universe. Though he has his days – he is a Sun, after all, and prone to those ups and downs – she knows he loves her just as much as she loves him. There’s an unspoken agreement that he’s just not as good about expressing it as she is.
She used to think that she wanted and needed this more than he did, but she’s starting to change her mind. He can seem cold-hearted and distant, but she knows when he just needs some time alone and then he’ll be fine.
06 November 2009
I'm trying to go with my story "Au Revior", but I'm about 9,524 words short right now for where I should be (10002 by the end of the day). Here's the plot synopsis and detailed plot (the first one would most likely go on the back cover)
Ashling Smithson is a normal girl. Normal, that is, until she meets the mysterious Joel Tariq. He’s everything she could have dreamed of – a best friend, gentleman, and boyfriend all rolled up in one amazing person.
Well, so she thought.
Turns out there’s something far more sinister than she could imagine lying just beneath his perfect green eyes. Joel’s part of an ancient organization, the Jareth, and they’re not the only baddies out there. Besides Joel, another, far more horrifying, group is creeping out of the shadows to steal Ashling as their own.
What would you do if your soul was not yours to fight for anymore?
Ashling is floating along her senior year of high school just wanting it to be over. With the new year comes new people, people she envies for their anonymity. One of them catches her eye, a gorgeous boy named Joel Tariq. She’s immediately drawn to him, almost inexplicably so. It’s as if he was a close friend she hadn’t seen in years.
After getting to know one another and getting as close as she’s ever gotten to a person, Ashling learns something that will change her life: Joel is one of the Jareth*. They specialize in things she’s only suffered countless nightmares about, things that shouldn’t rightfully exist.
And they want her.
Yes, the collection of ghoulies and legendary creatures want her in their midst. Especially a very scrumptious looking vampire who’s already captured her heart and soul – Joel. He’s convinced she’ll stay with him forever – including the “changes” that would have to happen to keep her with him.
Why is he so drawn to her? Because everything about her is reminiscent of his Juliana, one who died over 300 years ago. Joel is sure that Ashling is her reincarnation, and their sudden and strong-as-steel bond is almost enough to convince her too. Joel’s determined not to lose her soul again…
He just didn’t count on Them. Them being the “badder” guys, the Carden**. They are convinced just as surely as Joel is that Ashling will be theirs – just like with Juliana. A genuine creature of the darkness. The reality behind every myth and horror story you’ve ever heard.
When you’re as powerless as Ashling feels in this situation, how could you even begin to try and escape it all? Especially since it seems that escaping the worse means letting go of the best.
04 November 2009
03 November 2009
But have you ever been to mylifeisaverage.com? Because it's epic. A sample:
31 October 2009
26 October 2009
He showed, alright. But only it just wasn’t what it was supposed to be. Things didn’t flow, weren’t quite right, and it took awhile to get why out of him. He had a quasi-girlfriend, he said. And the cuddling party they were supposed to have? Couldn’t do it; didn’t want to upset Quasi-Girlfriend.
She feels like crap, understandably. This day was supposed to be for that. They were supposed to curl up and watch Twilight, like he had said weeks ago when he thought up this day. And, instead, she spends the first hour watching him program and the ones after that wondering why things always end up this way.
For, after all, wasn’t this supposed to be a Her-Him day?
Wouldn’t that, by definition, mean it was about both of them? Not just him? And, yeah, maybe it sounds a little self-conceited, but she needed just one day to vent about everything and pretend that he really loves her.
One day to forget the last few months and go back to when it was just so, so good.
Except she didn’t figure in him. Remembered, yeah, that those feelings all died within him a long while ago, but didn’t factor in anything else. Just the fact that he said the day was for whatever she wanted and even brought up the Cuddling Party idea.
He’s said before that he doesn’t want to become unnecessary in her life. Doesn’t want to get pushed out of the picture (though she knows it would never happen – he’d kick and scream the entire time). Well, neither does she. And she can’t help but think that this new girlfriend will try to push her out his picture (since it seems like that already, and only after one day!).
She doesn’t want to get left by another person, let alone him. It’s happened so many times in her life, and she doesn’t know if she could live through another abandonment. It’s the reason why she mothers so many people around her. She can’t bear to see them get hurt, and she wants to always be that person that’s always there for them. Even if they don’t always deserve it, she’s still there. Even if it kills her sometimes. Even if it might possibly be driving her insane.
For, if she can be there for them, then it makes sense that someone could do that for her.
25 October 2009
A day a month in the making, one magic day of calm with no school (!!) and relaxation. The day both have been waiting for, especially our girl. She just wants a day to veg with her best friend, chill out and have fun. Eat some animal crackers, maybe coerce him into watching Twilight, laugh and be herself.
But she can’t stop this feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach. He had a trip that weekend, and never called to set up times. Now, our girl is someone who double- and triple-checks plans, especially since she usually ends up getting the time wrong anyways. So when plans aren’t confirmed, she panics a bit.
Or, more like majorly.
It doesn’t help that it’s him, either, her crazy-rollercoaster best friend that usually bails on her anyhow. No…that makes her worry just the tiniest bit more. He says stuff before he speaks, things he thinks about our girl…and, well, she’s starting to think he’s just not going to show up. Oh, he’ll call later and say he was sleeping, and she’ll be heartbroken once again.
And then, predictably, he’ll apologize the next day, maybe even bring some sour punch straws to try and bribe her into forgiving him. And it’ll work because, jeeze, he’s hard to stay mad at. So she’ll just feel like crap, remember how it feels like when you’re just sure none of your friends really care, and he’ll ignore it like he usually does.
Talk about vicious circles, eh?
It’s what happens every time. He’ll initiate the plans, get her excited and thinking that maybe, just maybe, he might actually show, and then kablam! He bails again. It’s just what happens.
And yet, every time, our girl thinks this will finally be the time when he keeps his promise. This time will be the time he comes through for her, since she always does for him. This time he won’t make her miserable.
So…will this finally be that time?
(Because she sure doesn’t know)
23 October 2009
Go into iTune or Windows Media Player and find your favorite artist or band. (It's best to find one with a lot of songs). Answer these questions as best as possible (be creative!) and see how well you can do! Here's my two, since I couldn't pick one over the other
1.Pick your Artist:
Fall Out Boy
Panic at the Disco
2.Are you a male or female:
”She’s a Handsome Woman”
”Pretty in Punk”
”Mad as Rabbits”
4.How do you feel:
”A Little Less 16 Candles, A Little More ‘Touch Me’”
”Build God, Then We’ll Talk”
5.Describe where you currently live:
"Of All the Gin Joints in All the World…”
"Behind the Sea”
6.If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
"Chicago is so Two Years Ago”
"Pas de Cheval”
7.Your favourite form of transportation:
"I Have Friends in Holy Spaces”
8.Your best friend is:
"What a Catch, Donnie”
9.You and your best friends are:
"From a Mountain in the Middle of the Cabins”
10.What's the weather like:
"Grand Theft Autumn”
11.Favourite time of day:
"Nine in the Afternoon”
12.If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
”Thnks fr th Mmrs”
13.What is life to you:
”Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying”
”Time to Dance”
19 October 2009
Needing him to call
(Break the monotony);
Terrified he will
And a confirmation
That this is real
And I am sane
Or even the worst.
Yes or no,
But don’t leave.
Don’t let me wonder
Or let the thoughts wander
And wish for tomorrow
(even if I long for yesterday)
He loves me.
He loves me not.
Fortunes told through
Red carnation petals
What happens when I get to the last?
Which will it be?
He holds the answer
And I can’t know
Until he decides,
Lets me know if
My heart is broken
Or it’s finally free.
16 October 2009
He suprised me with one, right after I wrote that last post.
I almost died. Starting crying, actually, because I was touched at how sweet he was being --- and for me, nonetheless! So of course he got all flustered that I was crying and oh my goodness I haven't stopped smiling for going on three hours now.
12 October 2009
Why do females fall for the “jerks” and males the “sluts”?
Tend to fall for the “jerk” or alpha males. Have little regard for self’s mental stability when with said alpha male. Do not mind when they catch male exhibiting unwanted behavior. Ignore those “nice”, or beta, males
Tend to fall for the “sluts” or alpha females. Go into hormone-induced “la-la land” when around said alpha female. Ignore the “nice”, or beta, females.
I believe that there is something in human DNA that controls this pairing off. As said by Amy Reeder Hadley (quoted in Fool’s Gold, volume 1, by Penny): “…But I hypothesize it [the ‘hole’ in females’ brains] developed in our genetics through natural selection, back in the cavemen days, when we had to make lots of babies in order for our species to survive. If we chose jerks to be the fathers, we knew they would kill and steal enough food for our babies to make it through the winter.” The selections could be due to genetic factors and natural selection.
Variables: Exceptions to human behavior, personalities, personal experience.
Materials: Information/testimony from readers (personal experiences, first-hand encounters)
Procedure: If you are reading this, post a comment detailing why you think things are the way they are. If you have a blog of your own, copy the body of this post and give me the link to it [your post & comments). With enough comments from many different people with many different experiences, we’ll find the cause. (And, hopefully, a solution!)
…To be posted at a later date.
(Please help with this [some-what] social experiment, dear readers!)
09 October 2009
What do you do when you used to be in love with your best friend and then you're not, but they still act like you do? (<--- confusing? Yes, a bit, but you get what I mean).
Like, "B" just keeps being jerkish, but he's still the very closest friend I have, so I don't want a huge confrontation or anything. But it almost needs to happen, because I'm sick of him blowing off and then expecting me to help him with projects. It's just...!!!! For someone who wants to make things better with us, he sure is doing a crappy job.
Just had to vent a little, dearest readers. If you have any potential suggestions, I'm all ears!
05 October 2009
I found this book the other day when I was bored at the library (rarely happens, trust me!). I'm someone who's deeply in love with suspense and "haunted" houses and everything like that, so I decided to give it a go.
And I just can't put it down. It's so captivating, so engrossing, that you...you just can't. You just want to know what's happening in Moody's England and to Danny. You are just waiting to figure out what's going on, what's turning people into 'Haters'. Trust me, if you figure it out, you're a genius.
So...just give it a try if you have some spare time and can track down a copy. It'll be worth it!
02 October 2009
Like that first football game of the season, and that first magical dance of the year.
All the girls are prepping, dressing up in a small town where no one will see them.
Everyone's on edge, waiting for that special 'someone' to ask them to dance.
Everyone's flocking to the homecoming game, hoping this is the game we actually win.
Every girl is dressed to the nines, watching the clock and feeling butterflies.
'What if he's late?' followed up by 'What if he doesn't even show?'
Calm down, take a deep breath.
He'll come, it'll be great, and you'll get that one dance that makes the rest of your year.
29 September 2009
Some light came back into her melancholic life.
Things still go up, up, up just to crash with the other guy, like it always has, but there might be someone new on our girl’s radar. Someone who just now entered into her mind, someone new and most defiantly not him. Not the one that’s hurt her so much, continues to hurt her even when he swears he hasn’t tried to.
But this new guy. New to her life, new to her circle of friends, but it feels like he’s been there forever. Warm, tight hugs that make you feel safe, an easy laugh and even easier smile. It makes our girl feel all fuzzy inside when she makes him smile, especially on his darker days.
But, as always, there’s a catch.
He’s dating one of her closer friends. Not someone on the fringes of her life, no – someone she could never hurt like that. Of course, our girl thinks as she touches up her nail polish as she watches reruns of pointless shows. As soon as I find someone that likes me and it’s all mutual and crap, he’s got a girlfriend. And not just someone random. No. It has to be her.
It brightens her day and darkens it all at the same time. She feels so good when she’s with him, relax and zero stress (something that is extremely rare these days). Again, in the wise sentiments of Cute is What We Aim For, “what’s a crush to do?” Especially under these circumstances.
She needs an alternate universe.
One where she has one great best friend she can tell everything to, instead of about four close friends that she trusts completely but can’t bring herself to open up to. There are new ones, those that used to hang on the outer threads of our girl’s thoughts. One, a writer much like herself, the one that dragged her to the Rockin’ On the Roof, is someone our girl just loves to be around. They can just relax together, being the consoler each is for everyone else for each other. Another is one that our girl was never as close to, but they get closer every day. They’re Spanish buddies, something their English teacher really disapproves of when they start chattering during grammar practice. Then, of course, are the other two: the boy that our girl can’t get out of her head and the girl that’s not in crew.
But the alternative universe. It needs to happen, she thinks, before every semblance of sanity leaves her existence. One where he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Where her best friends aren’t quite so messed up (not to say that she doesn’t love them even if they are). Where she can wake up in the morning and look the way she wants, even if it might never happen. A time and place where she can just be comfortable in her skin.
A place where she can truly be herself.
She’s tired, in mind and body, and just wants all the noise to stop. All the pain and heartbreak people lend her. She’s always felt everything too much, always been able to tune into other people’s emotions and problems, and it’s finally too much. Taking the darkness out of people’s hearts was way more tiring than she ever would have thought.
But she was their therapist. The person everyone could count on. The one, it turns out, that everyone used – all for their own reason. Some as the conscious they shut up long ago, others to remind themselves that they are good people, and still more just for the reassurance that someone in this world cares.
And she does.
But some days, she needs someone there for her. Someone to do the same thing that she does every day. A best friend. Sure, she has those 3 that call themselves that, but are they what they say? One hardly has the time of day for our girl, saying and doing stupid things. Another broke her heart, and it’s a different story every day with him. The last is the only one of the three who’s stuck by our girl for four years now, but now she has her faults as well. Simply put, she’s a princess.
So why does our girl put up with it? Why does she deal with the pain that haunts her every day? The people who could honestly care less?
Simply put, she cares too much.
She’s gone through so much, and she doesn’t want them to have to go through it alone like she had to. She wants them to know that someone would be crushed if anything happened to them. So she doles out her heart in pieces , handing them to those she know that need them. Those that might not have anyone else.
But the suffering always gets to be too much. It’s a habit that’s darn near impossible to break. So is our girl destined to feel like this forever?
Cos she can’t do this that long.
She almost afraid to ask, scared to jinx herself and make everything so much worse. Scared that, yeah, she screwed everything up with anyone, and maybe, just maybe, he’s right. Maybe she never will be in love. Maybe she’s actually as stupid as she might think, and maybe she really doesn’t deserve it all. Maybe it really is her place in life to just write about love, step into her characters’ shoes and pretend her life’s a movie.
If her life’s a movie, though, then what is it? Some dark comedy, where she’s the butt of all the jokes? Some docudrama on high school life, showing one girl who just can’t get it right? Where’s the leading guy, and why can’t he be played by Taylor Lautner or something? Why can’t her life be interesting, not just depressing?
God…why is stuff so incredibly hard?
Why can’t it be like some cheesy teen novel: girl meets guy, they fall for each other, happily ever after? Close the book, the end, move on with your day. Wonder how perfect their lives were with each other after that last page. Why does it have to be girl falls for loser after loser, jerk after jerk, and every time swears it will be the last time it happens to her?
She’s wasted so much time, so much energy, so many tears…it’s like that quote. “The ones that make you cry aren’t worth your tears, and the one who is will never make you cry.”
Let’s face it: maybe he was right, much as she doesn’t want him to be.
Maybe he was right when he gave that weird little speech. “About love, the glass isn’t just half empty – it’s completely empty. And when you go to the store to buy more, you can’t. Because they don’t have any in stock. Because they don’t make it anymore. And you just have to suck it up and keep going.”
Yeah, great thing to say when she’s already hurting. But tact is dead, after all, a fact that doesn’t go unnoticed by him apparently. She called him to feel better, for him to whip out that best friend pick-me-up vibe. It kinda failed, obviously.
But, well, what’s a girl to do?
Especially for our girl. Sure, she said she was fine with the “best friend” status. Sure, she just took all her feelings and shoved them as far below the surface as she could. Sure, it killed her every time he brought up his latest crush and she couldn’t say a single thing. Sure, she wanted to explode.
But she didn’t. Not for the longest time, and it surprised her. She wanted him so badly, and yet she forced herself to keep everything buried. Forced herself to never show him that one weakness, even though she promised him honesty. It killed her to lie like that, but she knew there were times when he did the same thing to her.
She’s sick and tired of all this running around in circles.
Deep down, she knows she would be lying if she said she could handle losing him. The fact of the matter is, she’d be lost without him. He’s the closest friend she has. But she now knows the rest of the story, and it infuriates her to no end. He truly cared for her, did even when he screwed up so badly, and after. But he feels like he wronged our girl, and that’s when he says things went downhill.
But what sense does that make? His “morals killed it”? What does that even mean? Frankly, our girl thinks it’s an out-right lie, a feeble excuse meant to soothe her aches. It doesn’t. If anything, it makes everything so much worse. Makes her want to curl up and listen to Taylor Swift because, darn it, that girl knows exactly what our girl’s life is like. Every song is a piece of her story, every chord something her heart can echo.
Especially because our girl doesn’t want to mess anything up. At the same time, though, she wants nothing more than to at least try. They both know they’re mature enough that if they were to break up they would still be as close as they are now. So why not at least try? It breaks our girl’s heart every time it’s even remotely brought up.
And didn’t she just think everything was perfect?!? How the times have changed, and in the space of a few short weeks. As soon as the soap opera qualities are eliminated, here comes the new school year with new relationships and new drama. Except a new relationship for our girl. Because she’s just the “best friend”. Like she’s always been. Not the girl that anyone wants, just the one that everyone knows will have their backs. Even if they’ve treated her like crap. Even if she feels like crap. Because she’s herself, and she has much too big of a heart.
It’s not their fault, but could everyone stop breaking her heart all the time?
28 September 2009
It’s true, it’s true! Great friendships can stand the tests and trials of the world, even the trials that have been thrown at our girl these last few months. In the somewhat space of a few weeks, things have defiantly taken a turn for the better. Sure, he’s back with his ex, sure things were pretty dang rocky for a month or so, but things are back to the amazingness that they used to be.
Back to the days when conversation flowed easily and could go on forever it seemed. Days when no subject was unapproachable, when every word seemed sacred and revered to her. Even now, though she knows that he will never be more than her very best friend (which doesn’t bother her as much as some might think), it seems like things just clicked back into place. Simple enough, easy peesy lemon squeezy, right?
And it is.
It seems that she’s almost always smiling now. There’s not the weight of the drama and stress upon her shoulders and she can hang out with him, no pressure from either of them. And he’s doing that thing again, the thing where he draws her out of her shell without her even realizing it. First, an introduction into the world of school-based clubs, with the diversity club that she now wonders why she was never in. Then she gets ‘dragged’ to the first football game of the season – one that she knows they’ll lose, since they’re not the best team ever and they’re playing one of the best teams around.
She’s catching up with other friends too. One that she always loved, that never really got closer than the fringes of our girl’s personality, she’s getting closer and closer with every day. Our girl went to an event at their church – Rockin’ On the Roof – and spent a lot of time with her. Painted each others’ faces, went through the rummage sale and tried on outrageous things, and generally just had a blast. It was more fun than our girl thinks she’s had in ages.
The social butterfly appears again, huh?
For awhile, everything seemed to revolve around this guy. She always wanted to see him, sometimes even planning things around when he said he was coming, but now? Now, she has other people she genuinely wants to spend time with, others she isn’t wary of letting in. She’s always going to be apprehensive of who she lets in, but she’s getting better at picking the ones that won’t hurt her. People she takes her time with, getting to know them before rushing in and labeling them her ‘BFF’.
That’s not to say that she doesn’t have them, though. There’s the two girls (who hate each other, and that makes it hard for our girl to ever throw a party) and this boy who’s been the focus for so long. They get her, different as they may be. Sometimes our girl feels bad about being so close to the guy and her crew best friend, but that’s not to say she doesn’t love the other girl too. And even though they all have their own problems, she knows they all have her back when push comes to shove.
She finally knows just who her friends are.
It’s not him, not entirely, but something more. Who would ever read her words, hear her story, and care? It’s the story of thousands of girls across the world; what makes her so interesting when others are going through the exact same thing? Sure, there are variations, but what makes her’s seem more noteworthy?
It might just be life in general. Her birthday came and went; a blur of friends, presents, homemade cake and bowling. He was there, even if it was awkward and strained at times. Surrounded by those she cared most about, why did she feel like something was missing? Searching her thoughts later she can’t come up with any semblance of a reasonable explanation.
And then her best friend had to get out that paper.
She’d been having her own problems with another one of their Crew Boys. Circumstances made things difficult, but he genuinely loved her. Our girl reads the nine-page letter he wrote her, sighing as she wished someone would ever care enough about her to do the same thing. “You are truly one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met in my life,” she confesses to him over the phone. “She is so lucky to have you.”
It might seem stupid, but our girl lives in her stories now. Slips herself into her heroine’s worn-out Converse and kicks some major jerk-butt. And, of course, she always ends up with the guy of her dreams. Not one who will treat her like every other one in the world. One that thinks she’s special and interesting as the person she is, not who he can make her into. One that she can’t ever imagine is actually hers.
But, in the words of Cute is What We Aim For, ‘what’s a crush to do’?
The night of her birthday he tells her, as nicely as possible, that she needs to get over it, they never had anything anyhow, and, although he had liked her, the feeling went away as his ex’s feelings for him came back. “It’s not like there’s some switch I can flip and make it all go away,” she sighs into the phone, exasperated. “It’s not as easy as that.”
“Then work at it,” it seems he all but snaps at her. Combined with a whopping three hours of sleep and cake overload, the day after our girl’s birthday is one of laziness and muted anger. In the quiet first hours of the next day, he is not something she can deal with. Not something she wants to deal with, if this is how he’s going to act like. She’s admitted she messed up, tried to smooth over her mistakes and mend relationships that have crumbled. Him? He can’t even see what he did wrong, let alone try to come along and fix it.
So, is this destined to crash and fail, or can a great friendship be salvaged?
He doesn’t like her, a fact delivered with nonchalance over the phone. “Not like that. The feelings aren’t mutual,” he says, probably in nicer terms, but those are the only words that register. She just stands in shock in her kitchen, trying to let the words sink in. Trying to stop the numb sensation spreading quicker and quicker through her body. Surely I heard him wrong…she thinks even as she begins to realize that she did, in fact, hear him correctly. She realizes even more when later he tells her he has a girlfriend, on top of everything else, and they’ve been together for over a month.
Even as she starts to understand, though, more and more questions stand at the tip of her tongue. Why did he say all that stuff, then? Why did he promise so much when it all hinges on that one fact? The “waiting will pay off” bit? Was it all just a lie? Why was he so darn sweet to her, saying things he knew she wanted to hear? Why…why didn’t he just tell her?
She…she just doesn’t know what to think anymore.
Common sense tells her she has every right to yell at him – a fact reinforced by him saying the same thing: “Yell, please, yell at me. I know you want to.” But she can’t. Even though every part of her knew this day would come, no matter how much she wished it wouldn’t, she still wishes she was wrong. Wishes that she could do-over everything to see if it changed anything. Tone down the stubborn anger that she knew was misplaced at the worst of times. Take back some things she said, some things she did.
It seems our girl isn’t made for love after all. That’s what? Seven guys to dump her – even if they weren’t technically going out – in less than three years? Quite a bad track record, if you ask me. Especially since they were hardly creative about it. So many used the “It’s not you, it’s me,” line or “I’m not ready for a relationship right now, but if you wait we’ll happen,” that it wasn’t even funny. But every time, the same result: our girl, alone.
There are only so many times you can bounce back, after all.
Sure, she’s not old enough to be jaded about love. Sure, they think she doesn’t know a thing about what she wants, let alone what she needs. Sure, maybe they’re right and she’s just a silly little girl trying to find love like in the books. But that doesn’t stop the pain from coming every time it happens. They always have an excuse, and it seems it’s always like she’s just the girl who’s good for a friend but never for more than that.
That’s the way it’s always been, hasn’t it? Always the friend, never the love interest. Never the main character. In fact, one of those aforementioned guys only asked her out after she helped him try to win over another girl (who then turned him down, so our girl was always his “next best option”). They’ve all had their excuse, and every time it hurts more because it seems she’s fallen harder.
Happy birthday to our girl (may things start to look up).
She doesn’t know what’s going on, and the fact that she hasn’t seen him in over two weeks is making everything that much murkier. He’s not the boy she thought she fell in love with, acting differently and saying things that she can’t make sense of when they get the, now rare, chance of talking. Things about anything, everything, that trail into, “…never mind, I can’t tell you; you’ll get mad and hang up on me.”
The only part that makes her mad is the fact that he’s saying that. If it’s going to make me mad, then why don’t you keep it to yourself then? she thinks as she rolls her eyes. Surely, if you’re mentioning it, then it must be of some significance. She’s even told him that, but she doesn’t think it held any effect over him.
She knows her anger may be misplaced, but…
But he has been a jerk lately. Instead of trying to help, work things out when he knows she’s upset or console her when she cries, he shuts down and avoids it. “If he truly cares, like he says he does, then why does he do this?” she asks her best friend. “Why does he act the opposite of how he says he feels?”
The answer is always, “You could walk away if you wanted to, you know.” Yes, she knows, but she doesn’t want to. She knows he can be a jerk, can bring in drama – the one thing she keeps trying to eliminate in her life – and can hurt her more than she cares to admit. But she doesn’t care. Everyone tells her things would be much simpler without that extra hassle, but he’s the hassle she chooses. The hassle she doesn’t generally mind.
Even he agrees with everyone else though.
“You deserve so much more,” he mumbles into the phone. “Someone who won’t hurt you near as much as I already have. Someone who can treat you the way you deserve to be treated.”
Can’t you be that person? she wants to ask. Can’t you get over whatever it is that makes you act the way you do about this and be the person that loves me for me? She thinks he could be, hopes so, believes so with her heart.
But is that enough?
I wonder if you looked into my soul what would you see. All my secrets laid bare out for you. All my dreams and desires and longings and anguish and fear. Fear of what has happened, the future, now. Would my soul be complete, perfect? Or would it show the holes from things in my past? Things like the father that wasn’t even one, my grandmother’s death and the general hassle that is being a teenager. The skeletons in my closet; I wonder what you would think of me once you knew them and all that they entail.
Would you still see me?
Would you see something you would consider beautiful, or just beautifully broken once you glimpsed my soul? Can you see it when you search my eyes? Do you see it coming through to try and meet yours?
The Next Day...
If you saw my soul now, all you would see is grey. Maybe some tinges of deep blue, some small bit of white. But mostly grey. Why? One’s soul reflects one’s emotions. And now I feel as if those I let closest are now the ones that don’t care what happens. No messages, no phone calls, nothing. Once we were the ones that people envied due to our closeness, our single-mindedness. We were always together, always had each others’ backs. Now? Our glue has come undone, our threads frayed, our seams ripped to pieces.
And me? I was always the mender, it seems. But now that I’m the patch that needs fixing, who will come and help me?
It seems no one.
Three Weeks Later...
Threads weave themselves in and out of the fabric of our lives, mending that which we thought could never be whole once more. Friendships slip back together, proving that they can stand the test of time. I feel like my soul is a nice, pastel yellow, reflecting the happiness and calm I know possess.
Sure, things got worse before they got better. Many tearful conversations, many hurtful words, many confessions made. Grey turned into black with mad dashes of violent red and envious green.
But the main point is, they did get better. It seems that just when we start to think things could never get any better, Life throws us something unexpected and wonderful.
Nice way for my soul to end another year in this world.
Some older stuff, left over from this summer.
03 September 2009
I love Tokio Hotel. I absolutely love them. It might sound stalkerish, but I drove three hours last summer to see them for less than ten minutes. They are just that amazing. So, humor a girl and go listen to this if you like them, or if you've never even heard of them. Then go listen to their old CD. Especially the orginal German version of Monsoon.
On a side note, I'll try to get some new stories to you all soon. BUT school starts soon, and the duties of a sophomore seem immense, so I can't promise anything.
10 July 2009
To the West Coast. To Las Vegas, L.A., Hollywood, Santa Monica…places far enough away to get him off her mind. Or at least that what she hoped. She went through the airport security, sat next to a psycho lady on the plane that kept talking about plane crashes, and wandered around Las Vegas until it was well past 3 a.m. her time. Spent time with her family, drove over 3 hours into L.A. for distractions, didn’t hear a word from him.
Then she sent a recent blog post [Dear Internet…] to him, hoping it would show him how much his actions affected her. Later that night, after briefly exchanging texts with him, she got a message back. “I just read your email. That was like a reality check. I feel awful, truly awful. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. I promise you forever that I won’t hurt you like other guys. You deserve more, and I feel bad. One more chance? Please let me make it up.”
She hoped he meant it as she typed back an, “Okay, one more chance”.
So, she spends the last five or six days of her vacation texting him, stealing a few moments on the phone whenever they both can. She learns more about him, sees the sweet side he doesn’t normally let out. “I miss you,” is just one of the things he tells her, “I wish I could be at the airport when you get in to give you a big hug.”
As much as she’s craved these words, she needs to know he’s not just uttering them out of some weird sense of retribution for the way he’s treated her. As much as she loves to hear the words fall from his mouth, she needs to know he means them. As much as she needs them, she needs to know they’re real.
What’s stopping her?
The past. The way he can look to her for sympathy, just as everyone else does, and know she’ll give it. How she’s been treated in the past, not necessarily by him – by others, crushes and friends alike. Her own wariness that it might be good for a while, but how long is that? How long before something goes bad? And if it does, what would happen to them? Because she doesn’t think she could bear it without him in her life.
It’s mostly just insecurities. Misplaced, maybe, but she’s always been her own biggest critic. She’s heard boys say before that she meant a lot to them and all that other crap, and they’ve always ended up doing something to prove their own words wrong. Will he end up doing the same thing?
She hopes not with every part of her heart.
The guy of her dreams is still in love with someone else. Someone half-way across the country who it doesn’t even seem cares for him. Maybe our girl’s mistaken, and everything’s mutual, but…well, she wants him all to herself. Wishes she was the girl he would run away for, even if they only live a mile apart. If she moved, would he even care?
She thinks not, since a lot of their relationship is shared through two-hour phone calls, meaningless texts, and her stories. Stories she writes to try and make sense of all this chaos. He always asks to read them, and some she lets him, but now…They were so close, so what happened?
She doesn’t know.
He got distant. It was super hard to get a hold of him, even harder to actually see him. He gradually stopped talking for as long, sometimes not even calling until half her phone time was up. Their talks start lasting an hour, 45 minutes, then…nothing. He isn’t calling. She waits by the phone, writing stupid stories on an old notepad, hoping every second that the phone will ring.
She poured her heart out to him, and he didn’t even care. Didn’t say a single word, just picked up the controller and plays Guitar Hero alongside her. “Well…?” she prompts, hoping for a response – any response – but gets nothing.
He has nothing to say, it seems.
She doesn’t know what it means, and she’s not sure she wants to. Some things are better left unsaid, right? Still, she can’t help but wish she could spend her summer happy in his arms instead of working at trusting him again. Because it’s going to take work, and she doesn’t think he can work at fixing them.
They’ve always fit perfectly, comfortably together, even when things were rough, but this time she doesn’t know how to handle this. He means so much and she’s not just going to pack up and leave – no matter how hard he tries to get her to.
She sighs, wishing love could just be easy.
04 July 2009
I think so. Hope so, actually. Really, though, I believe that he's not giving me empty words like before.
So, Las Vegas. Man...I went everywhere. Saw all the hotels on the strip, went to L.A. (saw Hollywood, including Michael Jackson's star [so many people!!]; Melrose; Venice Beach; Santa Monica...) It was a great vacation, and I hope they'll let me come back sometime.
Nothing much else. Hopefully I'll have some actual writing for you soon. Peace out, for now!
25 June 2009
Why do they promise something, then go off and completely forget they ever promised? Or just brush it off with an "I'm kinda busy" text? -sigh- Simply put, he promised no broken promises.
I must be crazy, because I believed him.
ps - jetting off to viva Las Vegas tomorrow! Something to get my mind off of him, yeah?
22 June 2009
“Yes, Jame, I do. Do you have a problem?” I dared him to say something with the look in my eyes. Come on, James, prove me right. Ask me to stay.
I rolled my eyes. “And this problem would be…?”
He sighed, setting down the bag to come over to me. Taking my purse in one hand and my Subway bag in the other, he set them both on the ground, eyes never leaving my face. “I don’t want you to leave, Ley. Not now, not ever.”
I stepped closer to him, wanting nothing more than to hear the words I hoped were coming. “But…I have to take care of some stuff, you know that.”
He wrapped his warm arms around me. “Then let me come. Don’t leave me here. Stay, please, Leila.”
“I can’t. I’ve told you before,” I whispered through tears and my ever-thickening British accent.
“I don’t care. Take me with you, or please just stay. With me. You could move in, I don’t even care! We’ll share my flat, you don’t need to start paying rent until you’ve gotten yourself back on your feet…it’ll be great! London’s full of jobs. You’ll find some great little thing so you can just get paid to write in coffee shops or whatever you like.” The pleading in his eyes gave way to tears. “Please, please don’t leave me, Leila.”
I sniffled a bit against his shirt. “Mum said…”
“Oh, you know your mum just wants you to go home so she’s not all lonesome and boring by herself. Do you want to go back to Dorchester to live like that?”
Now, that’s a bit far, mate, I couldn’t help but think. “James, shut up.” And I kissed him square on the mouth. “Let’s go home, shall we?”
He just nodded mutely, picking up my sub and taking a bite.
20 June 2009
They’re just sitting in the swing, talking about everything and nothing, watching rain fall, when he says the one thing guaranteed to make her smile like a little kid in a candy store: “I really like you, too, you know,” he mumbled, lacing his fingers with her small ones. An electric smile flashed across her face and it’s all she can do to not erupt into nervous giggles.
The rain starts to get worse. “We should have maybe gone inside when we had the chance, huh?” she laughs, pulling her side of the towel closer with her free hand. It’s getting harder every passing second, but it seemed like either of them could care less about the rain falling all around them. They had that moment, tucked under a Spiderman beach towel, and that was enough.
She was content, even though she was freezing.
So they eventually make a mad dash back inside, ending up soaking wet. Well, our girl was – he had hogged the towel during the run in. Their time for the day is slipping away, and she wishes time would slow down for her. For them.
A quick game of Guitar Hero is squeezed in before he must leave. For once, she can beat him at something. No one can touch him when it comes to athletics and being a genius, but hand this girl a PlayStation controller and she’s unbeatable. Even though she’s got no sense of rhythm, it’s still more than he has.
But then the inevitable happens.
He has to leave. It’s pouring rain, and even though he says he’ll ride his bike, her mom pushes him into the car. “You can come get it soon, don’t worry,” she reassures as they both slip into shoes. Our girl can’t go. It breaks her heart, having to say goodbye.
He takes one look at her face and pulls her close. Intertwines their hands again, lifts her spirits, smiles that smile that she loves. “I’ll call later, okay?” She mutely nods, not trusting herself to not say the thousands of things she wishes she had the courage to say.
So…why did she wait all night by the phone for a call that never came?
Total side note, but today was my grandmother's 6oth birthday. If only she could have spent it with us...you get what I mean, Abby.
19 June 2009
Conversation flows easily, and when she thinks about it later she realizes how crazy the topics are. It can go from The Great Zombie Debate to his past to the bakery she wishes to open to the plans his family has laid down for him, as easily as breathing. She doesn’t even care that he’s so busy – he still takes time out to talk to her. It’s (almost) enough to keep her satisfied.
Of course, she likes it better when she’s with him instead of just talking over the phone. Things are more intimate, and it’s easier to figure out what he means when he doesn’t say anything. And you can’t read palms over the phone. Or accidentally end up holding hands. Or wander through a cemetery until your parents worry. You can strengthen the connection, sure, but…well, she likes being around him.
He’s just amazing.
To and for her. Jokes around and is just the right balance of funny, teasing and serious. He knows when she needs him to listen and give honest advice and when he needs to make her laugh before she cries. They have their mock fights – especially because she knows he’s adorable and he refuses to believe it.
She cherishes the moments they spend together. They might be the best thing she has, and she’s terribly protective of them. It might sound terribly pathetic and odd, but she rests easier after talking to him. His voice is soothing; like a drug. It calms her, makes her laugh, makes her worry, makes her care.
But he doesn’t seem to know.
Though she sends out every signal and subtle hint she can, even flat out telling him, this guy just doesn’t seem to get what she means. Sure, he thinks he does, but there’s a difference between assumed meaning and true meaning. A huge difference. Monumental.
It’s okay, though. She’s okay, although it’s painfully obvious that she wants more. They talk about it a lot, but…our girl never really learned to be patient. Sure, she knows good things come to those who wait, but…whatever. She isn’t like that. She wants concrete evidence that this will last, will actually happen, and she’s terribly impatient.
If only you could fast-forward, just to see what happens, then return to the moment.
16 June 2009
One phrase bursts through my bubble of thought: “I love you.” Smirking to myself, I consider those mere 3 words, 8 letters.
Those words are tossed around so much – too much – and it makes things hard to believe. Friends yell it in the halls to one another, lovers whisper it in each other’ ears as they hold themselves together, its in the shy girl’s eyes as she watches him with someone else.
But how often in high school do you hear people say it and mean it? How often are they murmured like a prayer to the person you need to have hear you?
Truth is, we’re all just lonely kids trying to figure out what love is. So, we think we find it, but we really haven’t. You can pick out those who have truly loved another with their heart and soul. They don’t toss the words out, but tentatively hand them out like pieces of their very essence to those they trust.
That’s how it should be.
She sits at home and types out her emotions, pouring her soul into the computer’s blank screen. The boy she thinks she fell for is still there and she couldn’t be happier about it. Her best friend has her own amazing guy, and it’s looking like this may be the best summer on record. Of course there are the ups and downs of life, but she takes them as best she can.
And she did jump. Took a huge leap of faith, and guess what? In his own special way, he caught her. They spend so much time just talking, whether in person or on the phone or through text, that it seems like they are each other’s tie to the world. In a lot of ways they are. He doesn’t have it the greatest, but that’s why she stays. And listens.
So why can’t he trust in her?
It’s complex, she knows, and that’s mostly okay with her. She just wishes that he would quite saying stupid things and trust her enough to tell her when things are getting tough. When he does, she listens and tries to lift his spirits. But when he’s distant…well, she worries.
Worries more than she’ll admit. He means so much to her and doesn’t even realize it. She tries to hide it, but she thinks he knows. Whatever. If she didn’t worry, who would? But that’s enough of that – she’s happy with him, whatever his emotional chaos is like. She’s content with just sitting in a swing and watching the clouds drag by with him.
She’s happy, and this time she believes it’s real.
Not like before, when she was just filling herself with empty emotions to try and pretend she was okay. No, this time it’s real. It’s really her own self, being happy. Kinda crazy, but that’s good. Some days she thinks people can tell just by looking at her that she’s in love. There’s a smile on her face that’s been hidden for a while and a twinkle in her eye that was presumed to be lost forevermore. She’s come out of her shell, and it’s all thanks to him.
He is…complex. Makes her feel so whole and so empty at the same time. So confused and so smart and so dumb. Everything and nothing. A simple smile can make her head start spinning and make her forget her own name. Simply put, our girl fell quite hard.
So how does she know if she means the same to him?
14 June 2009
10 June 2009
09 June 2009
Why do we care about those who ignore us and ignore those who care? Why can a simple backhand gesture or comment or action cause us to all go crazy?
What if it's really not worth it, and they were all right?
What if I need to be done, but I can't stop myself?
What if I really am falling?
[[[What if he doesn't catch me?]]]
02 June 2009
“Simply put your head into this little cap and sit still. What, sounds too easy? Well, my dear, love is easy – it’s the people in it that make it complicated. Just sit tight. You might feel a slight pinch around your bellybutton, but I can assure you it’s nothing that will damage you permanently. Don’t look so shocked. I did make you sign a waver before you did this.
“Easy now! Even in pain you must keep as still as possible or your soul might be injured! Oh, I forgot to mention that part, didn’t I? You see, my machine searches your soul, heart and innermost thoughts to figure out who your perfect match is. To do so, you need to be completely still or you might suffer some rather odd side affects…
“Like what, you ask? Well, it can be as slight as a simple headache or upset stomach, or can get as severe as amnesia or a heart attack. Don’t give me that look! I did warn you beforehand! What, you want a refund? Sorry. I don’t give them out. If you notice the small print on the bottom of your waver form…yes, right there….it bluntly states that the ride operator can not and will not give out cash refunds. Actually, no refunds of any type. At all.
“Now, let’s see…only a few moments more, and then we’ll know. What? Oh, you want to know what happens once the machine finishes searching and calculating? That’s easy! Your dream person appears, of course! No, I can assure you I’m not making this up. You can believe it or not, but you certainly will in a matter of seconds.
“Wow, you sure know how to pick ‘em. Let’s see…a gentleman, smart, funny, sarcastic, environmentalist, animal lover, black hair, green eyes, avid sports player and fan…can your guy get any better?
“Here’s the kicker, hon – he’s mine now.”
Since I act in my spare time, I can't help but end up writing scripts and monologues. So, here's the most recent one. Written when I was bored and listening to the radio (Circus by Britney Spears came on) and this is the end result. Hope you like it. ^-^
29 May 2009
I hate the way you make me feel and how the world seems better around you. I hate the butterflies I get whenever I'm around you. I hate this situation - our situation - and all that it entitles. I hate...
I hate you
I love this
I love how I feel when I'm around you. I love how you make me laugh. I love how you never think before you speak. I love...
I think I love you.
28 May 2009
So how is our girl going to take this risk, this huge risk, without him there too? To put it simply, there’s probably a slim chance he feels the same way as she does. Very slim, actually. And, for the most part, she’s okay with that. Okay, so she’s really not one bit okay with that, but she’d rather have what they have now then nothing.
And this amazing best friend, the one who our girl thinks is probably the only real best friend she’s ever had, she helps. A lot. More than even she knows. There are times when our girl is just hopeless, almost to the point of depression, and then this best friend shows up and makes things okay.
She’s gone from friendless to social butterfly.
But back to this guy. He’s someone she never really saw herself going for. He plays a sport every season, isn’t the smartest person in the class (no offense), and kinda a jerk sometimes. But you know what? He’s her jerk, so that makes it okay.
And it’s not like he does it on purpose. It’s just that his mouth works a little bit quicker than his brain – which causes a lot of the stuff he says to come out wrong. Actually, it’s kinda hilarious. According to him, though, he really doesn’t realize he’s being a jerk unless someone calls him on it.
And who better than our girl?
She doesn’t mind. In fact, it gives her even more opportunity to talk to him. Late night phone calls that should end in 20 minutes and last over an hour, hanging out and generally just being dorks…it’s what they do.
It’s weird for her, though. She thinks the attraction is there, but who can really be sure? When they’re alone or just talking on the phone it’s so much different then when they’re with other people. The conversation flows more easily and they just goof off. It’s like they’ve been friends forever.
So…is this love?
It was kind of a huge, stop-the-presses moment when people found out. Her? Doing exercise by choice? They all whispered behind hands in a horrid attempt to hide the fact that they were talking. ‘It’s the truth,’ was all she would say, smiling a little half-smile. ‘I’ve wanted to do this for a while, and there was an excellent excuse.’
Her excuse wasn’t what you might expect. It turned out to be many things, including but not limited to: her best friend, her crush-turned-close-friend, the feel of the water underneath you in a boat, and the sense of comfort you get in have a nine-person-strong team.
Yep, rowing was her thing.
Of course, she joined for him. The important part was that she stayed for them and, more importantly, herself. It became her life. Practice every day seemed to be the one thing she looked forward to. Knowing that she was part of something far bigger than herself was a feeling she never wanted to lose.
Let’s talk about this boy, now. Yes, she’s had those two horrid ones in her past, but he’s different. Sure, everyone says that when they’ve fallen hard, but she genuinely believes it. Enough to join a sport and pretend she has a life outside of crew. (So, yes, she did join for him, but she really does love it now). He’s…good in every sense of the word. A gentleman, a best friend, sensitive, funny, not overly smart…everything she ever wished for in a guy.
She thinks he’s the first person she could ever fall in love with.
A big statement, yes, but possibly true. After all, how could you not love this guy? He’s so charismatic and charming and disarming and…she could go on for days. Certainly her best friend (not the one from before, but one who actually cares about what’s going on in our girl’s life) is sick of hearing about this boy. Certainly everyone is sick of it.
But our girl…well, she’s had her heart stomped on quite a few times already, hasn’t she? First, the supposed ‘best friend’ that kicked her out, then the boy she thought cared for her, and then the one from her past that they made her try and reconnect with. A heart is such a fragile thing…why must it be made of glass? Why must we give our hearts to those who might just break them?
She thinks it’s worth the chance.
24 May 2009
No, she meant something far closer to taking chances and meeting new people, not trying to mend ties with old friends. She never wanted to. In fact, she was terrified. Even standing so close to him…it was enough to make her heart go crazy. He meant too much to her. There was no way she wanted to screw things up even more than they already were. No way would she risk everything on the premise of making things better.
Yet here she was in a thinly veiled attempt to try and get him into the conversation. Her friends mimed dragging him out of the chair, his back to them all, and forcing him to talk. They knew how much he meant to her, and how much she used to matter to him (although, she kept pointing out, he was the one who ended the friendship, so she obviously didn’t mean that much). None of them really knew though, and she blamed herself for not telling them before. After all, if she didn’t tell them, they would never know. He certainly would never say anything about it.
Enter the best friend.
She knew from day one that her friend and him were close. That they were good friends. People warned her of this, too. Warned that, yes, they were chummy now, but that could change in a year or two.
They were right. Even though the best friend wouldn’t admit it, she was noticing the faint signs of a crush. Whenever she brought him up, her best friend would change the subject but if she brought him up, our girl was supposed to just sit there and listen. Shouldn’t it work both ways? She wondered one day. Aren’t we supposed to console each other and promise to never let a boy come in-between us?
But it was already doomed.
He hadn’t spoken to her in around six months, and it didn’t look like that would change anytime soon. No sir, things were awkward and that was how he liked it. Disgusted looks thrown over shoulders, moving to the other side of the hallway – into ‘oncoming traffic’ – just to avoid her…this guy truly was a jerk.
So why does our girl care so much? Because he lied. There had been flirting and, besides that, a genuine friendship. He told her to wait. She waited. He never came back. She chased. He messed with her heart and mind. She cried. He could have cared less.
Can’t everyone relate?
Sorry about the huge Party dump. I posted 6 & 7 and then realized I hadn't updated it since the 3rd part! Jeeze, Addy, slipping like that....well, here's 4-7. Part 8's already on it's way.
All those people she had labeled as critics and cynical. They had been right about him. Him, the one she’d been so blinded by. Him, the one she could still just see and smile. Him, the one who said things it turned out he didn’t really mean.
She wasn’t mad. On the contrary, people were starting to wonder why she wasn’t. Shrugging, she could only reply that she didn’t truly know either. Sure, she was a bit upset, at first, but who wouldn’t be? Now, mere days later, she was fine.
It was okay.
They were still friends, still messed around during lunch and talked about how crazy their friends were. Maybe that was best. They weren’t meant for each other, not the way she once thought. But being friends was enough for her. “Why do we even put up with this?” he sighed one day.
She brightened up; bored with the endless talks about Pokemon and other things she didn’t fully understand. “Because they’re our friends, and they put up with us.”
It was the truth.
She pondered it a bit, staring into the near emptiness of her chocolate milk. She loved her friends, that much was true, even when they were exasperating – which was a lot of the time. But, though she didn’t truly fit there, they accepted her when hardly anyone else had. Wasn’t it better to be in a place where you didn’t quite belong versus alone? She knows there are other places now, now that she’s been widely accepted due to some long-enduring friendships, but she’s not ready yet to break ties.
The time is coming though. Too many people equals too much drama that she doesn’t need. There are others that have asked her to sit with them at lunch, do projects with her in class, be their partner in gym and until now she’s politely declined. Now…now, she might just take the opportunities as they come. Live up the high school years and all.
After all, what’s life without a little danger?
Her way to express what she can not aloud. Though it maddens others, he’s patient as he waits for a response. After many moments that seem to last hours, her voice is quiet but firm: “I was thinking. About me, about you, about us. About the future and what it might hold, and the past’s ghosts. Just…trying to collect my thoughts, I guess.” She knows that’s not the answer he expected, nor the one he wanted, but it’s all she’s willing to give away at the moment.
She stretches out along her bed, wishing that she wasn’t holding a phone. Wishing she was holding him. That he was holding her. That the cold and snow didn’t separate them as it did. There is silence as he processes the information, trying to pick the best words. When he finally speaks, his tone is laced with caring and concern. “Well, okay, then. Just…well, are you going to be okay?”
She doesn’t know quite what he means.
And she says so. When his warm, rich laughter reaches her ears through the phone lines, she can’t help but smile. “I mean, is your train of thought leading to bad feelings or good ones? Will you end up feeling like you used to, before me,” here he pauses, and she knows he’s thinking of one that hurt her in the past, “or are you being optimistic?”
“Oh,” is her intelligent response, “Oh, um…I don’t know, really.” Pausing, she thinks a bit more. He turns on music on his end, something to fill the silence that doesn’t need to be filled. “Um…it’s a mix really…some of it’s good, so good, like when I think about us and stuff that’s already happened. But other times it’s not so good. Like when I worry about stuff that probably won’t happen. Stuff that just serves to make me more uncertain.”
She mentally smacks herself.
None of that was reassuring, especially to him. She realizes she spoke without thinking, something she’s doing more and more around him. Trying to help herself, and make everything a bit clearer, she sighs before continuing: “I…I just never have had anything like this. It’s scary and huge and something someone like me doesn’t deserve. I’m not pretty, not smart, not extraordinary. Just normal.”
His tone is fierce when he speaks. “You don’t give yourself enough credit. You are an amazing person; beautiful on the inside and out, smarter than me – and that counts for something, and entirely too uncertain of yourself. You don’t think you’re good enough, when in reality you are more deserving of love and happiness than any other person I’ve ever met in my life. You deserve something amazing in your life, and if you consider me that – although I believe you might be a tad off in the head for thing me amazing – than just know I’ll be there for you. Whatever, whenever, where ever. I promise you this.”
She is too stunned to speak, but not enough so to stop the tears from falling as she smiles.
What exactly is ‘this’? Is her “fairytale prince” just some faker with a tinfoil crown? She hopes not, because she couldn’t bear the crushing blow it would mean. The crush of reality against her heart, the impact slipping the blindfold from her startled eyes. Would she see what she believed she did now? Or would it be something totally different?
Would it be the truth? She knows those she used to call friends are wary of him. Of how he used to be, and how she tells them he treats her now. “A person can’t change overnight, no matter how hard you wish it,” they tell her. “It’s simply not possible for him.”
She just ignores them.
For if she’s happy and being treated well, what business of it is theirs? She’s not in danger – she’s smart enough to know when to bow out gracefully instead of getting her heart stepped on. Shouldn’t she get the very chance at happiness that they all wanted her to have? Isn’t everyone entitled to make their own choices and mistakes?
And, besides, they don’t know the him that she knows. He is a different person to her, one far gentler and sweeter than with he is with his friends. There’s a protective – and, at times, possessive – arm around her shoulders, and she can’t help but feel safe. Feel important. Feel wanted.
She is content, so what’s missing?
She knows his arms would be there to catch her, if only she would jump. So why can’t she? She isn’t scared, per say, more wary. Others have done this to her – made her jumpy and slow to trust people’s intentions.
“What’s wrong?” his soothing voice asks her over the phone, voice like a drug to her. “You seem like you’re daydreaming. Are you okay?”
Her answer is only silence.
19 May 2009
So, I'm a huge Indigo Girls fan. Grew up listening to their music, know a lot of the songs by heart and just generally love them. AND THEY'RE COMING TO TOWN!!!!! (yay!)
Since tickets run roundabouts $45 and my mom and I were going (she's the one who introduced me to them), it would have easily been $100+ to go. BUT we got selected for the Street Crew. For two tickets and a *free* t-shirt, we have to put up banners on the 'net and about 400 posters around town. I'd love it if you checked them out. If you haven't heard them, rush to their website and listen a bit.
BUT if you're in the area, for those of you who know me, they're playing Mejier Gardens on July 24th with Brandi Carlile. Tickets are $45 and selling out quick.
Hope to see some of you there!
eek. I'm actually going. xD
13 May 2009
this tune -
is what life is about.
One moment it
finds purchase in the world
the next it falls
into the darkness
into awkward silences
into my memories
as you slip away
Where did you go?
Why did you leave?
Why am I left here,
wondering all of the
How is it that one moment
can be so infinatly different than another?
That you can change
all in the space of 60 seconds?
That I can screw it up and
land flat on my face?
Sigh as the thoughts flow
and my mind starts to numb.
The simple truth is:
I have no idea
No idea about you
or what's in the future.
But I'm willing to wait
I'm sure you know what (and who) I'm talking about, Abigailxx.
11 May 2009
But…they all want me to put my feelings into words. Words that can be interpreted many different ways, depending on who said them, whom they’re said to, who eavesdrops…they are not always as reliable as one might think. Especially one who plans to make her career on words.
Obviously, I don’t want to screw things up like I have in the past. Screw up so much that I lose someone who means so much to me. But how do I let you know?
04 May 2009
Don’t seem to help,
To say what I need them to,
To tell you
Behind every action,
Every thing I say.
To know that
We both want this so badly
Yet neither will
Make the move
Sure there are moments.
Whenever we’re together
Being the number one
On the list of
I can never tell
Exactly what you mean
Or what’s going through
Every word from your mouth
Mesmerizing and insignificant
Everything blends together:
Moments we both cherish.
But what about you?
Do you remember them?
I remember every one.
I hope you do too
01 May 2009
So why is heartbreak so painful?
So full of sadness and tears?
Glass breaks, shatters, cracks.
Why must hearts be made of glass,
When it’s so obviously breakable?
Thoughts such as these
Are stemmed from rainy days,
Lovely smiles and chocolate-chip cookies.
Smiles that can mend a heart
(if put to the correct use)
Or cause a broken one even more pain.
I see one of those smiles
And try to forget it so
I may go about my day.
It’s no use.
It stays hidden in my thoughts all day,
Popping up when least expected.
Although it’s not unpleasant,
It does remind me of another
And times spent not-so-long ago.
The owner of this smile is…
Well, that’s the hard part.
Am I dreaming of perfection, or is it really him?
Is he really who I think,
Or is my imagination acting up again
As it’s apt to do?
Sigh as the comparisons draw closer
Until I’m not sure which one is which
And who it is I wish I were with
Someone One or Someone Two
Or some strange combination of both?
Possibly something different altogether?
Whatever the imagery in my mind,
It’s not likely to become truth
Unless I take the initiative and run.
But all I can do is sip my coffee
The words can try and arrange themselves
Into sentences that make sense the tangle of my mind
But it’s to no avail
For if I cannot do so myself, how can they?
If I cannot make sense of my own thoughts
Then how could words flowing from my fingers?
All I want is a simple way to explain.
Explain how I feel, why he affects me so,
Why my heart skips whenever he is mentioned
How a single glance can make my day
Or how a glare could make me want to crawl into bed
Or even how the memory of his laugh makes me feel better.
Sigh again as the frustration starts anew.
Frustration stemmed from sadness, loneliness
And all those butterflies.
Taking my mug and standing from the booth,
I tuck the letters into my pocket and
Try to move on with my life
The street outside is crowded with people
Going about their lives as per usual.
Ignoring one another.
Few heads seem familiar, but
I think I glimpse that Special One in particular.
Second glance proves me wrong.
Is it sad that I see him everywhere I go?
Sad that I want what I know I’ll never have?
That I could never deserve?
From my pocket a letter suddenly flies.
I watch it dance with the wind, swooping
Swirling, spiraling with every current.
I want to run after it, but it’s useless.
After all, it was one from him
And I need to forget, though I know I can’t.
I had been a star tight end on our school’s football team since I joined freshman year. It was not my first love; no, that title belongs to music. I was the guy on the team that didn’t quite fit in – the guys only tolerated/liked me because they had to or Coach would yell.
So, quite understandably, when I quit the team senior year, they all jumped me. Told me that I cost them a perfect season as they punched me. Told me I would never amount to anything with my “silly singing thing” that I had going.
Ha. I hope they’re reading this (if they’ve finally learned to read).
Ash was the one to find me after that, half shoved into the dumpster behind the school. She had just gotten out of practice, and was probably off to see Brett (aka the Flavor of the Moment for her and the team’s quarterback).
But she saw me first.
“Charlie!” she called, horror written all over her face. “Charlie, who did this to you?”
Now, let it be known that I am a tough guy. To put up with football conditioning, you have to be. But I had just been beaten within an inch of my life and it hurt. My lips were swollen and bleeding, so even though I said, “Your idiot boyfriend and the rest of the team,” it probably just sounded like mush.
She was crying then. That’s probably what I remember the most. Tears just started pouring down her face, which is how I knew that she had understood me. Always had. “Oh, you poor thing,” she whispered, fingertips lightly caressing my cheek. “Let’s go get you cleaned up, yeah?” Helping me to my feet, she maneuvered me over to her truck.
Ashlin is not your typical cheerleader. She’s not blonde, not overly popular, doesn’t rule the school, and is generally just a nice person. And smart. I don’t think her GPA has ever been below a 3.8. But she is much more…scene…than you would think. Someone you really couldn’t picture as a cheerleader, let alone captain, if you saw her by herself. Wears skate shoes and hoodies when she’s not in practice, would never be caught dead in her uniform unless she absolutely had to…kinda the anti-cheerleader. But she still works just as hard – if not harder – than the other girls on her team because she’s so small. Probably only 5 foot 2 and no more than 120 pounds.
But moving me into her truck still wasn’t easy. I wasn’t much help, which wasn’t totally my fault, but still emasculated me. Somehow we managed it, though, and before I knew it we were back at my house.
“So…?” her tone asked what she felt was too awkward to.
“Nobody’s home, Ash. Dad and Tara went on some Daddy-Daughter thing. Come in and help patch me up?” I offered her a hand out of the truck. She took it.
Before this gets any further, Ashlin is…well, kinda a time-share girl. Saturday through Thursday, she’s mine. But Friday? She’s his girl Friday. Him being Brett Smithson, star quarterback, every girl in the school’s crush, general meathead.
And today, the day of my beat down? Friday.
So, naturally, I was kinda worried. “How much does Brett know about us?” I asked as she put Neosporin on my various cuts and wiped the blood away.
She paused just long enough to raise an eyebrow at me. “He knows I’m only ‘with’ him so he’s not swarmed by every freshie fangirl in the school. But that it’s only show. He’s a big boy, he can think of an excuse as to why I’m not at Britney’s party.” Seeing my still-questioning look, she added, “But he does know about you and I, Charlie. Probably why he hurt you so much…”
I could tell she was beating herself up about it. I cupped her chin in my fingers, searching her eyes with my own. “It’s not your fault. I knew the risks when we started this.”
“But it’s still not fair!”
I smirked. “No one ever said high school was.”
Truth was, I don’t think I ever really understood how dangerous our relationship could be. Sure, there were the footballers to worry about, but what’s twenty-some people compared to the entire school? Apparently, that was the reality. If word got out about us, the drop-our star and the head cheerleader, well…let’s just say I’d probably hurt a lot more than I did then.
But what’s a few scrapes compared to having someone who loved you?
Ashlin did. She told me every chance she could through her actions. Even just ditching out on Brett to help me – that said it. Of course, she said it too. Just not as often as those moments when I just knew.
Her sudden sigh brought me back to the moment. “Charlie, what if I just left him? Face it; with where I stand in the hierarchy of the school, you’d be untouchable. You know everyone knows the cheer squad could take down almost anybody. We would be fine, we wouldn’t have to sneak around…”
I kissed her forehead softly, murmuring into her hair. “I love you, you know that. But…well…”
“But what, Charlie?” her tone was laced with tears.
“Well…I don’t know! I just want to be with you, Ash.” My head was spinning. Hadn’t I dreamed about the moment when I could walk the hallways holding her hand and not be ridiculed? “I just…I want…” I sighed, realizing the words just wouldn’t come out. “I just want you to be happy. I can deal with whatever everyone else throws at me, as long as you’re okay. If they start in on you, though…well, I’m not making an promises that I won’t get into any fights.”
The next day, after spending the night together (relax, we just talked late and ended up falling asleep on the couch. I, being a gentleman, carried her to my bed and took the couch for myself), I limped into school, her on my arm.
The first thing I noticed was the brief glances and then double-takes. It seemed like everyone was a bit shocked, but no one particularly seemed like they were going to kill me. “Huh…” I mumbled. “Weird.”
Ash just beamed up at me. “See? I told you it would be fine. Stop worrying so much.”
And the funny part was, even the people who glared at me couldn’t have done anything. I was on Cloud 9, floating through the hallways with my own personal angel.
“Come on a Monday, come on a Tuesday, they’ll never know. Pop all the corks for Wednesday, play with me Thursday, but you’ll always be his girl Friday”
Obviously based upon the song "His Girl Friday" by The Academy Is... (go look it up on YouTube. It's amazing)