26 October 2009

The Party, Part XXIII (23)

It…was a miserable failure.

He showed, alright. But only it just wasn’t what it was supposed to be. Things didn’t flow, weren’t quite right, and it took awhile to get why out of him. He had a quasi-girlfriend, he said. And the cuddling party they were supposed to have? Couldn’t do it; didn’t want to upset Quasi-Girlfriend.

She feels like crap, understandably. This day was supposed to be for that. They were supposed to curl up and watch Twilight, like he had said weeks ago when he thought up this day. And, instead, she spends the first hour watching him program and the ones after that wondering why things always end up this way.

For, after all, wasn’t this supposed to be a Her-Him day?
Wouldn’t that, by definition, mean it was about both of them? Not just him? And, yeah, maybe it sounds a little self-conceited, but she needed just one day to vent about everything and pretend that he really loves her.
One day to forget the last few months and go back to when it was just so, so good.

Except she didn’t figure in him. Remembered, yeah, that those feelings all died within him a long while ago, but didn’t factor in anything else. Just the fact that he said the day was for whatever she wanted and even brought up the Cuddling Party idea.

It’s just…complicated.

He’s said before that he doesn’t want to become unnecessary in her life. Doesn’t want to get pushed out of the picture (though she knows it would never happen – he’d kick and scream the entire time). Well, neither does she. And she can’t help but think that this new girlfriend will try to push her out his picture (since it seems like that already, and only after one day!).

She doesn’t want to get left by another person, let alone him. It’s happened so many times in her life, and she doesn’t know if she could live through another abandonment. It’s the reason why she mothers so many people around her. She can’t bear to see them get hurt, and she wants to always be that person that’s always there for them. Even if they don’t always deserve it, she’s still there. Even if it kills her sometimes. Even if it might possibly be driving her insane.

For, if she can be there for them, then it makes sense that someone could do that for her.

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