30 May 2010

baby, there's a shark in the water

I haven't had a post like this in a while.

Today's just...blah. Too hot outside, not a good enough book to read, I already watched everything I had Tivo'd, too lazy to go downstairs and grab a movie and some popcorn...I don't know.

Plus I'm stuck on my novel, wrote myself into a corner I'm not sure how to get out of. I think I might just go make myself a playlist in a few and write something that matches my mood.

The only good thing is that me and Chelsea went out the other day and got a retirement gift for our teacher. His name's Beary, appropiatly enough :3

27 May 2010

you'd think that by now i'd know

Remember how I won that poetry contest?

Well, the prize was 50$ to Schuler's. I just spent 42$ (props to anyone who realizes how stoked I was that it was 42). I'm just excited! Got Lesley Livingston's amazing Wonderous Strange, Richelle Mead's newest installment in the Vampire Academy novels (Spirit Bound) and the newest The Rocket Summer C (Of Men and Angels)

Just wanted to let those who care know that I am stoked to have won. And thanks to the one that inspired it, even if he's a dork sometimes :)

25 May 2010

i wonder how am i supposed to feel when you're not here

I never learned why...That's what you get when you let your heart win

So, even though I am so mad at him, even though he doesn't deserve it half the time, I trust B completely. He somehow can take the tangled mess of what I'm trying to say, sort it out and know exactly what I mean - even if I don't know it all completly myself.

I guess that's why I sent him that letter. Sometimes I confuse "trust" with "the inablity to hurt me", and I seem to never learn the difference no matter how many times it happens to me. So there I was, talking to him on the phone and trying to act like the good ol' days. Those days when I thought I mattered to him. And, in a way, I guess I still do - just not the way I would like.

We're looking up at the same night sky, keep pretending the sun will not rise. We'll be together for one more night, somewhere, somehow. If I could find you now, things would get better. We'd leave this town and run forever.

23 May 2010

and i have done a few things i regret

I just want to make things good, back to normal.

But that's not a one-way street

22 May 2010

practice makes perfect (sense to me)

I get to get on a boat soon.

You can not imagine how incredibly excited I am. I'm river drunk, deprived, scared....it's amazing.

21 May 2010

they could say we lack the promise, they could say that we're a mess

Oh, sometimes talking to people who love you is a really nice stress reliever.

one turns into four

Did I honestly think that stupid letter was going to make anything better? If so, I was VERY wrong. If anything, it made things worse and awkward and that wall I've been trying to demolish has been built right back up again.
The only good thing is the jamboree's tomorrow, and I get to get on the river (NOT in a boat with B) and row my worries away :)

19 May 2010

this clock never seemed so alive

Dear you,

If I ask, will you say yes? If I poured my broken heart out, would you help me piece together what you initially broke? Would you save me from myself? Could you? Would you plaster on that fake smile and say, "No, it's better this way"? Or would you jump headfirst with me, remember how good it used to be?

Could we rewind, forget all the bad stuff, and focus on the good? Would you heal me, bring me back to normal? Even though everything you do questions my mental health, even though I'm too scared to say any of this to you in person, would we last? We once said that had everything not played out like it did, we'd still be together now, 10 months later.

I want to try. I want to see. I want to prove them wrong. I want to prove them right. I want to suprise us with what we could be. I want to prove to myself that I was right the first time.


ps - If you actually do read this, talk to me in person, not on here, please...

17 May 2010

your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

I should just not listen to BLG anymore. They have a song for everything for me, and they all have stories I can't help but think of everytime I hear them.

Like "Thunder". The lyrics are last summer, with B, and all the talking we did. All the time. On the phone, on email, through texts...but it's also New Years' Eve. With A. Dancing in a crowd of unknown faces and feeling invincible and warm inside even though I was freezing.

Then there's "Contagious". Can't listen to that one anymore. When me and A finally started hanging out again, after that final breakup, we were swinging at the park when it started to play on my phone. And it's PERFECT, the two of us to a T. I don't know if I'm ever going to stop caring about him. He means too much to me.

...I just don't know what to do anymore. About anything. Let me know if you get it figured out, will ya?

15 May 2010

love is vulnerability

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

So I guess I'm a pretty vulnerable person then. Because I love far too quickly and care far too deeply. I care so much that I even still care about people who apparently now hate me (*cough*A*cough*) and get swept away.

I'm a romantic, I can't help it.

I go and read LGMH and I can't help but want that. Someone that would get the two of us on there.

But every time I think I find it, something steps in and destroys it. Last summer, with B; the last few months with A...I really thought I had found it. Thought that my searching was over for a while, I could take a break and fall back into something comfortable and relaxing.

I've realized that with A, none of it was really relaxing at all. He drained me, emotionally and mentally. I couldn't deal with the constant up and down, even though I tried to convince myself that I could. Imagine loving someone who may or may not feel the same way in the morning? Yeah, it's exhausting. Now imagine that the same person is pretty much bipolar, just won't go and get the official diagnosis. Makes it even worse

With B, though, the relaxing was real. Everything went slow and comfortable and it was like we were best friends before we were anything else. And then I went on that stupid trip, and...yeah, it all got way better while I was gone, and then it came crashing down around me.

I wish we could get back to that, somehow. Even though I know it'll never happen.

13 May 2010

you don't wanna know

Why today was WAY less than great:

1) I decided to try and talk to A. It did not go well, please don't say I told you so, because I am well aware that you did.
2) Geometry Test
3) Health Test
4) Headache is worse than ever, if even possible
5) Jordan freaked out on me again

Why today was ALMOST great:

1) Audra signed my yearbook, and made me laugh. "I want you to get mauled by a bear, so then you'll be horribly disfigured and no one will love you but me." xD
2) Me and B started talking again! I'm on the phone with him right now :)
3) He's ^^^ faking a hilarious Indian accent
5) Pandas, Totoros and  Beartatos - OH MY!!!

12 May 2010

kdl = :)

I love me my ☼dora♥

She's my go-to poetry person, the "old soul" of all of us. And the first phone call when I found out this:


It's through the local library, only open to HS students, and I was 2nd out of 10. I feel amazing. And, as I was looking through the old blog posts, I realized I never shared this one, even though I wrote it last summer. (Yes, it's about B if any of you remember him) So, without further adu, "holding back"


She holds back the words

That itch to be released
That would tell how she feels
About him

Things that are better said
Not through a text message.
Things that are terrifying

Things that she means,
Lord knows,
But that she’s too afraid
To say.

To say such things like,
“Come back to me”,
“Be safe”,
Or “I love you”.

That she needs to have him hear
From her tongue,
Not with the metallic taste the phone
Would lend to the words


Go watch this. Now..

It's the kid who covered "Paparazzi", his original song "Stars".

He's basically amazing

11 May 2010

When I lose myself, I think of you

I don’t know what to do lately. People are confusing, tangled, trembling messes of particles and emotions squeezed into one small space.

One terrifying, mind-numbing, crazing space

08 May 2010

were you just kidding?

Oh why haven't you been there for me? Can't you see, I'm losing my mind this time? This time it's for real, I can see.

I feel just...blah. Have this weird headache we think is a sinus headache, but when I take sinus meds and stuff if either is unaffected or worse. I hate being sick.

Even if I like blink or move my eyes, if kills.

My AP US History test was yesterday, though, and I'm fairly confident I got at least a 3 on it.

Oh, and I'm getting a tumblr, apparently.

05 May 2010

wake me up like dynamite

I want to go back to this moment last night, when it was like magic.

I felt so whole, so completely filled up that it felt like I was going to burst. At one point I'm pretty sure I was crying as I was screaming the lyrics. There's just something about going to a concert where the band is something you relate to so well, that you intergrate into your life and list on that Movie Soundtrack of your life.

When your heart picks up the beat of a song and syncs with it. When you lose yourself in the guitar riffs and vocal slides until nothing else matters. When it's just you and the band and a few thousand other screaming fans.

Where every word of every song feels like a letter to your soul, telling you everything will eventually work out, if not now then later. That, yes, you've been hurt, but you deserve better - and you'll get it. Someone loves you, even if you didn't notice at first.

Crazy how an event that can seem so uneventful to so many, just a concert, can mean so much to someone that it almost changes their lookout on everything. Life, love and everything inbetween.

It's like this line I wrote for one of my characters in my book :  "It's one of those times where you feel completely one with the universe."

I just...I feel so introspectual today. Running on less sleep than usual and a mocha, so that's probably part of it.

04 May 2010

did you fall for a shooting star? one without a permanent scar?

Well, that was quick.

I broke up with Jordan. He was WAY too always-there, and it scared me out of the whole thing. And I'm just done dating for a while. I'm hoping when I go down South to work at the family restaurant this summer I find some nice Southern Gentleman. That'd be nice :)