15 May 2010

love is vulnerability

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

So I guess I'm a pretty vulnerable person then. Because I love far too quickly and care far too deeply. I care so much that I even still care about people who apparently now hate me (*cough*A*cough*) and get swept away.

I'm a romantic, I can't help it.

I go and read LGMH and I can't help but want that. Someone that would get the two of us on there.

But every time I think I find it, something steps in and destroys it. Last summer, with B; the last few months with A...I really thought I had found it. Thought that my searching was over for a while, I could take a break and fall back into something comfortable and relaxing.

I've realized that with A, none of it was really relaxing at all. He drained me, emotionally and mentally. I couldn't deal with the constant up and down, even though I tried to convince myself that I could. Imagine loving someone who may or may not feel the same way in the morning? Yeah, it's exhausting. Now imagine that the same person is pretty much bipolar, just won't go and get the official diagnosis. Makes it even worse

With B, though, the relaxing was real. Everything went slow and comfortable and it was like we were best friends before we were anything else. And then I went on that stupid trip, and...yeah, it all got way better while I was gone, and then it came crashing down around me.

I wish we could get back to that, somehow. Even though I know it'll never happen.


  1. your blog is lovely.
    im actually going through the same thing right now, and i guess i am vulnerable.
    no matter how much someone hurts me or ignores me there is always something that stops me from hating them, and no matter how mad i get i still care about them.

    i like your playlist :)

  2. thank you :)

    i know exactly what you mean. i've lost too many people, too many friends, for stupid reasons, so it's like i can hold on to whatever scrap of hope they hold out to me.

    thanks, i do too!

  3. no problem.

    oh, and this is really random again, but today i was feeling like that and i listened to "tidal wave" by owl city, and it kinda made sense.. at least to how I felt.
    so maybe you should give it a try.

  4. thanks, i will give it a try :)