27 December 2010

the party, xxxix (39)

She pleads the same thing, everyday, like clockwork.

Whatever you want her to do, whatever you can promise to make him a permanent character, she’ll do it. In a heartbeat. Because this, she realizes, is what love should be. Being content to hear his voice if there’s no way to see him. Needing to hear him say “I love you” to sleep. Wanting him. Not like lust, no, because she would do anything to just have him hold her. Nothing more. Just to have him near, have him with her and not far away.

Eventually, people start to notice. “Ever few days, I think he appreciates you more than the few days before,” her mother observes one day. And when our girl asked him about it, he agreed:

“Why wouldn’t I – every day you give me something more to love,” he reasons.

It makes her smile. He makes her smile. Heck, even just thinking about him makes her smile. He’s everything she didn’t know she needed, or wanted. She is made beautiful simply when he looks at her. And for once in her life, she believes it when people say so. Doesn’t second guess, doesn’t just think they’re trying to be nice – really believes it.

She’s been in such an awesome place since she’s been with him. One of her friends, another from long before that our girl is reconnecting with (we’ll just refer to him as her brother, because he is in every sense except the, ya know, real one) pulls her to the side one day. “You look happy. That’s new. You haven’t been in a long time. I’ll let this one live,” he tells her, in his half-serious way that sometimes concerns her. But now it just makes her smile wider.

She doesn’t remember this kind of happy.

Not since high school started, at least. Not when she was a shell, a robot, on autopilot. Not with B. Not with A. Not with anyone else in the stretch of our tale.

But all of the sudden? It’s all good. Happiness and rainbows and butterflies. All that jazz and more. Much more.

And it’s all because of him.

the party, part xxxviii (38)

But maybe Prince Charming doesn’t have a white horse.

Maybe he doesn’t have anything like those fairytale men, and maybe he doesn’t need to. Maybe he’s simply been there all along, in the back of the picture, hiding out and always being there when he’s needed. Always kind, always handsome, always him.

Maybe he’s the one that friends have pushed from the beginning, someone from before the scary world of high school. Someone who remembers our girl back when she had Chewbacca hair and braces, and still liked what he saw. Who has admitted that he would like to stay throughout the duration of the party of her life. Who is hesitant in his comments, put more stock in actions than in simply saying, “You are so beautiful.”

Our girl doesn’t mind.

She’s kinda head over heels. It would be simple to brush aside B, A…the others in her past, but that wouldn’t be fair.

What is fair, though, is to say everything is different with this boy. This boy gets a full name, for instance : Alex. He means to much to our girl; our silly girl who is just starting to figure out she’s never grasped loved before, never even glimpsed it.

It’s been right here all along.

In this wonderful boy, who understands her. Doesn’t make her second guess his feelings, calls her every day whenever he can (even on Christmas, sneaking out to ‘walk the dog’ and call her), and shows her that she is beautiful – to him. Nothing else really matters.

He brings her to dinner with his parents, his grandmother at a country club (yeah, crazy, right?!) and never says a word about how she looks. He doesn’t need to. It’s all in his eyes and how they seem to never leave her the entire night. The way he looks at her makes her want to hide for fear of him realizing she’s not as much as he seems to think she is. To apologize for not being whatever his image of her is.

Please, please world: don’t take this one away, she pleads, not him.

20 December 2010

So, I’ve been meaning to tell you how much you mean to me, but the words just hide whenever you’re around, and before I can grab onto them, the moment’s over and done with. I figure, though, what better way to do it all than to type it out, grab those words when the timing isn’t of the essence? Despite the fact…well, don’t make fun of me if everything’s not all pretty words and perfect grammar, okay? Here goes nothing.

You remind me of the weirdest things. Being a kid and not having to worry about anything except if the kid you usually play with will be at school or not. Fall days when it’s perfect outside, cool enough for hoodies but warm enough for flip flops. Apple cider or raspberry iced tea. Those moments when you feel invincible, like when you’re swinging at the park and feel your toes just barely graze that huge tree in front of you that you’ve been trying to catch for years now. When you actually catch someone smiling for real, not just because they don’t want people to know they’re sad. Opening up Christmas presents. Spinning on a merry-go-round until you can’t see straight afterwards.

I guess what I’m saying is you remind me of simple moments, perfect moments. When you feel so alive you can’t think of anything else but that moment. It might sound kinda cheesy, kinda lame, but I don’t care if I sound lame. I am lame sometimes. You’re pretty lame yourself sometimes, and you’re one of the best things that’s ever been mine, so lame can’t be all that bad, can it?

I’ve managed to find you out of the what? 9 billion people or whatever on this planet? And for that, I’m glad. And it’s not one-sided. I love listening to you, and listening to you listen when all I can do is babble. Having you to talk to, even when we’re both just playing Soul Caliber and talking about how badly we’re getting killed.

Maybe it sounds kinda crazy, I mean we’re kids and what do we know about forever and love and all that, but you are the first person where I don’t feel silly thinking about that kind of stuff. Where I don’t feel like I’m grasping at smoke. You’re someone I don’t think I’ll ever really get tired of. I also know, yeah, it’s one month, but it still means something, even if everyone says you only celebrate the first 6 months and then years. And for you and I, it may be one month technically, but at the same time it’s been so much longer than that. Our story started back in seventh grade, when you still talk to me even though my hair was reminiscent of Chewbacca most of the time. Or, maybe you could make a case for sixth grade when my friend made me sit by you in choir so she could have an excuse to be near you.

Usually I feel kinda trapped inside relationships, like a caged bird. And maybe, just maybe, I still am trapped. But with you? I’m just fine being trapped if it’s with you.

It’s not a fairytale by any means.

It’s so much more.

At least to me.

I still remember back then, when we were awkward Crossroads kids, thinking that holding hands was the biggest deal ever. If you held hands, your relationship was legit. You two were together. I still don’t understand why I wasn’t smarter than, why I didn’t hold on to you once you were there. Why I let you go.

But I don’t know if I truly ever did.

Maybe it didn’t seem like that, especially once we got to the high school, but…we were still friends.

And now. Oh jeeze, now.

I don’t know if you understand, Alex. I honestly don’t. When I say I love you, I mean it with every part of my heart. We are a story years in the making, and I don’t know…I can be myself around you. I don’t have to always be upbeat and happy – I can be me, and that is invaluable.

You are amazing. Honest, smart, funny, cute J…everything about you makes me love you. The way you laugh. When you do that slow-clap when I’ve done something stupid. When you trace circles onto my knee without even thinking about it, and it drives me crazy because all I want to do is kiss you. When you’ll kiss me in front of our friends, even when they pull out the awes and “EW! COOTIES!” and laugh.

When we’re both so awkward we can hardly talk (although we’ve mostly gotten past that). How our first kiss together was in front of the Apple store with you teasing me and Lenore and Daphne cheering from the sidelines (or, you know, behind the map of the mall, but whatever). How I can just see you and it makes me smile.

One of the best reasons? The fact that everyone says we’re “adorable” or “cute” together.  I know that sounds kinda odd, but I love it. And when they tell me that I look happy – something I haven’t really been in a while, honestly.

But you. I just love you.

Everything about you.

How we can talk and not think of anything to say and it still feels comfortable. “So…yeah” “Yeah,” “Yeeeeeeah”. The fact you know I’m a romantic and know so much more about me. How we geek out over Goofy movies, and Miyazaki ones (I am going to get Whispers to work, because you need to see that one :P). How I was so awkward about it, but you said it back the first time I said, “I love you,” - via a picture of a Polaroid, but ya know, whatever J.  When you tell me you want to kiss me. When you make me blush like crazy with one word, one look.

So….yeah J

Happy one month, babe.
I love you.

19 December 2010


The last two parts of The Party were from September. I neglected posting them, until I noticed them sitting neat and tidy in their folder earlier in the week.

The boy they are talking about is not my current boyfriend.
It's Trevor.
Who broke up with me just as school was starting, and I was having to face A again for the first time in months.

My current boyfriend?
So much more than those two losers put together. So much more.
He loves me.
And he isn't just faking it, like they were.

18 December 2010

i was on your porch
the smoke sank into my skin
so i came inside to be with you
and we talked all night,
about everything we could imagine
cause come the morning i'll be gone
and as our eyes start to close,
i turn to you and i let you know,
that i love you

13 December 2010

the party, part xxxvii (37)

Too bad knocking on wood doesn’t always work, and Sweet 16s aren’t always sweet.

Because, you see, this guy turned out to be another one that would chip away at our girl’s heart yet again. Another B, another A…another one she should have seen coming. Another one that would fall through on his promises, another one that would lie when he said he would never.

At least it’s not as bad as the previous two, though. They’re friends, they really are…but sometimes she sees him and all she wants to do is curl up in his arms again.

Sadly, this is not a new thing.

Maybe it’s the stress of junior year, maybe it’s everything else and pills, but all she wants to do is go to A. For a moment, go back to what they had. Be in the circle of his arms, the one place she felt safe then. It’s the Maine’s song “Into Your Arms”, kinda. All our girl, our sad little girl who just wants a break, is what she thought she came closest to with him.


All we all ever want is to be loved, right? Have someone to call our own, someone that calls us their own. Someone to kiss when you’re happy and hold you when you’re not. To make you laugh, to be a dork with you, to just be there. To love you, with all your quirks. To love you, in spite of them.

Sometimes, though, our girl gets so blue. Thinks that she doesn’t deserve that kind of love, won’t ever find it, could never.

It’s ridiculous, she knows.

But still. It’s there, in her thoughts. And it sucks, but what can you do? She certainly doesn’t know, or she’d have someone, wouldn’t she? Touché, I know. All she wants is her Prince Charming, her Aladdin, her Eric. That Disney fairytale every little girl is duped into believing they’ll get.

Well, her she is, begging for it. So, where are you, fairytale man? Stop being so stubborn, get off your white horse, and ask for directions already.

She’s getting rather impatient, and it’s bad manners to keep a lady waiting.

the party, part xxxvi (36)

And she’s hoping it is, this time.

More than she deserves. Someone who can make everything seem better with just a glance, just a touch. Our girl doesn’t want to fall and be crushed, like last time. Doesn’t want to think everything great when, in reality, everything’s crumbling.

And she doesn’t think it’s going to happen this time. She’s starting over, and she thinks it’s about time. New age, new perspective, new look…it’s all starting to come together. And second chances, too, which is fairly amazing.

It looks like her 16th year is going to be the best.

(Knock on wood, though) She doesn’t want to jinx anything. Just wants it all to be good, oh so good. The way they haven’t always been. She’s going to have her clubs and her sports and school and him. What more could a girl need? Like they say – “All a girl really ever needs is her best friends and a boyfriend who truly cares.”

And she has it, for the first time. Friends who are really friends, that are family in every sense of the word. Those that matter and that think our girl does too. A boyfriend who isn’t mental, who tells our girl every day how beautiful she is (even though she argues this point every time).

Yup, 16 is gonna rock.

Our girl can feel it in her veins, in every word they say. And kicking it off with a birthday themed after her two favorite books? Alice in Wonderland and Harry Potter? Yes, please! Tea and caldron cakes and Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans and cake that says “Eat Me” on it.

What more could one want?

After all, it isn’t called Sweet 16 for nothing.

links, links, links!

Lookie here! http://member.mibba.com/197796/

That's me and my writer friend's page. And she put The Party up! http://stories.mibba.com/read/342248/The-Party/

03 December 2010

  • well for one, she's a bit of a romantic, but that's okay with me, i kinda like it. i like it a lot, actually.
  • oh really? that's cute
  • yeah, she is
  • awwwwwwwe more!
  • she seems to be kinda stressed lately since she's got a lot of stuff going on at school, hate seeing her like that, and i hope sometime she/we can just relax together
  • awe, i bet she does too. i heard she likes disney movies
  • oh really now?
  • well, yeah most girls do especially when they're stressed
  • maybe she'd like to sit down and watch a couple sometime?
  • probably
  • so maybe i should get together with her sometime over the next few weekends so we can sit down and watch some?
  • Yeah. Go for it!
  • alright, i'll talk to her about it sometime
  • Go you! I'm sure you'll have her in no time
  • and if i already do?
  • Then she is one lucky girl