20 December 2010

So, I’ve been meaning to tell you how much you mean to me, but the words just hide whenever you’re around, and before I can grab onto them, the moment’s over and done with. I figure, though, what better way to do it all than to type it out, grab those words when the timing isn’t of the essence? Despite the fact…well, don’t make fun of me if everything’s not all pretty words and perfect grammar, okay? Here goes nothing.

You remind me of the weirdest things. Being a kid and not having to worry about anything except if the kid you usually play with will be at school or not. Fall days when it’s perfect outside, cool enough for hoodies but warm enough for flip flops. Apple cider or raspberry iced tea. Those moments when you feel invincible, like when you’re swinging at the park and feel your toes just barely graze that huge tree in front of you that you’ve been trying to catch for years now. When you actually catch someone smiling for real, not just because they don’t want people to know they’re sad. Opening up Christmas presents. Spinning on a merry-go-round until you can’t see straight afterwards.

I guess what I’m saying is you remind me of simple moments, perfect moments. When you feel so alive you can’t think of anything else but that moment. It might sound kinda cheesy, kinda lame, but I don’t care if I sound lame. I am lame sometimes. You’re pretty lame yourself sometimes, and you’re one of the best things that’s ever been mine, so lame can’t be all that bad, can it?

I’ve managed to find you out of the what? 9 billion people or whatever on this planet? And for that, I’m glad. And it’s not one-sided. I love listening to you, and listening to you listen when all I can do is babble. Having you to talk to, even when we’re both just playing Soul Caliber and talking about how badly we’re getting killed.

Maybe it sounds kinda crazy, I mean we’re kids and what do we know about forever and love and all that, but you are the first person where I don’t feel silly thinking about that kind of stuff. Where I don’t feel like I’m grasping at smoke. You’re someone I don’t think I’ll ever really get tired of. I also know, yeah, it’s one month, but it still means something, even if everyone says you only celebrate the first 6 months and then years. And for you and I, it may be one month technically, but at the same time it’s been so much longer than that. Our story started back in seventh grade, when you still talk to me even though my hair was reminiscent of Chewbacca most of the time. Or, maybe you could make a case for sixth grade when my friend made me sit by you in choir so she could have an excuse to be near you.

Usually I feel kinda trapped inside relationships, like a caged bird. And maybe, just maybe, I still am trapped. But with you? I’m just fine being trapped if it’s with you.

It’s not a fairytale by any means.

It’s so much more.

At least to me.

I still remember back then, when we were awkward Crossroads kids, thinking that holding hands was the biggest deal ever. If you held hands, your relationship was legit. You two were together. I still don’t understand why I wasn’t smarter than, why I didn’t hold on to you once you were there. Why I let you go.

But I don’t know if I truly ever did.

Maybe it didn’t seem like that, especially once we got to the high school, but…we were still friends.

And now. Oh jeeze, now.

I don’t know if you understand, Alex. I honestly don’t. When I say I love you, I mean it with every part of my heart. We are a story years in the making, and I don’t know…I can be myself around you. I don’t have to always be upbeat and happy – I can be me, and that is invaluable.

You are amazing. Honest, smart, funny, cute J…everything about you makes me love you. The way you laugh. When you do that slow-clap when I’ve done something stupid. When you trace circles onto my knee without even thinking about it, and it drives me crazy because all I want to do is kiss you. When you’ll kiss me in front of our friends, even when they pull out the awes and “EW! COOTIES!” and laugh.

When we’re both so awkward we can hardly talk (although we’ve mostly gotten past that). How our first kiss together was in front of the Apple store with you teasing me and Lenore and Daphne cheering from the sidelines (or, you know, behind the map of the mall, but whatever). How I can just see you and it makes me smile.

One of the best reasons? The fact that everyone says we’re “adorable” or “cute” together.  I know that sounds kinda odd, but I love it. And when they tell me that I look happy – something I haven’t really been in a while, honestly.

But you. I just love you.

Everything about you.

How we can talk and not think of anything to say and it still feels comfortable. “So…yeah” “Yeah,” “Yeeeeeeah”. The fact you know I’m a romantic and know so much more about me. How we geek out over Goofy movies, and Miyazaki ones (I am going to get Whispers to work, because you need to see that one :P). How I was so awkward about it, but you said it back the first time I said, “I love you,” - via a picture of a Polaroid, but ya know, whatever J.  When you tell me you want to kiss me. When you make me blush like crazy with one word, one look.

So….yeah J

Happy one month, babe.
I love you.

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