30 April 2010

i stare at the phone...

It's Friday!!! -rejoicing in the streets-

Yeah, I'm just excited for the weekend. My uncle, the one I went and stayed with in Cali, is coming up here to visit. Of course, it's going to be pouring the entire time, but I don't care. I love me a good, old-fashioned rain storm.

And I got me some Train and Jason Mraz going, some great summer music. I might just go sit on my swing in the backyard and read for a while. :)

29 April 2010

did i say something way too honest?

Had a nice little talk with A earlier.

Not really. It didn't go too well. He apparently already made plans for Paramore and "forgot" we were going. Yeah, right. Loser. And then he said some stuff about one of my friends...He knows that nothing he can do/say affects me, but when he starts in on people I care about - that's when the claws come out.

 Luckily, I'm going to the concert with my cousin/brother-like/best friend type person :) It'll be fun. I haven't seen him in a while.

And I am just happy. Jordan, the "new" guy (lol, that sounds bad), he treats me so GOOD. It's like I don't even know how to have a fully functional relationship, since A was never constant. It's like...J's just such a gentleman. He walks me to class, isn't all "rawr, don't touch her, she's mine", give me room to breathe...It's just so nice. ^__^

27 April 2010


take my small hands in your larger ones now
take my cares away and help me unwind
take my worries and stress far away
help me to remember who I am

whisper prayers into my small ears now
whisper lies and truths to make me believe
whisper tales of foreign lands, near and far
help me remember who I am

hold me close, chase away the nightmares now
hold my love in you cupped palms for me
hold it until my broken heart is healed
help me remember who I am

tell me imaginative tales of us
tell me how you love my blush, my shy smile
tell me how I love the light in your eyes
help me remember who I am



It's official. Our girl's got herself somebody new.

25 April 2010

all i feel is strange

....there might be someone new.

I don't want to jinx it, but I couldn't help but say it. He's a sweetheart, and he's reading my book. -bites nails-

And he actually likes it.


the party, part xxxiii (33)

The One Acts are cancelled.

And He decided to be all bratty about the concert; her book is going nowhere because she keeps procrastinating instead of writing it; her AP History exam is in 9 days; she’s going a bit crazy; TV is becoming more and more intriguing, even over her books (gasp!); and she just is generally more scatterbrained then ever before.

On top of that, the guy she had been interested in seems to have gone for someone else. This is a different guy, not the one that started out so good and went so bad. But it doesn’t matter, not really. Because he asked another to prom, not our girl. Because her friend told him he was crazy for even thinking she would say yes.

But she would have. :(

And now our girl’s being all melancholy and jaded and wants to curl up in bed and watch Miyazaki movies all day. Not go to school, not deal with everyone’s little pieces of drama, just relax and calm down for once.

She needs to have that little piece of time for herself, since she seems to have lost it. The time where she could sit down and write and not feel like “Oh, I should be doing this, this and this”. Where all she needs to do is write, pour her soul out. Not be worried about mundane little things like usual.

But she is.

The school year’s almost up, and she’s got some things to sort out. Like that AP test. And dragging her geometry grade up. And figuring out her summer. Should she volunteer at the zoo, or go help out at the family restaurant? Who is she going to actually care about once school’s over?

Our girl’s going into a friend over-haul. Over the summer, she’s only staying in touch with the people that actually care. Not people who sometimes say hi to her in hallway. The people that have actually touched her life.

So, who’s going to make it?

23 April 2010

let's make this night a classic...

Prom tonight for everyone but me.

Because my friend told the guy that wanted to ask me that I would never say yes.

Even though I totally would have. Because he's one of my very best friends, and it's PROM for crying out loud! At the Gardens, too, which is going to be magical and beautiful...yeah, I'm just kinda bitter about it.

And then the Paramore thing. He's still being all "Oh, I don't know..." even though the concert is in like 8 days. So I'm trying to find someone else to go with me. My mom might, though, and that'd be awkward and cool at the same time. Bonding and music she's never heard of.

Oh, and guess what?! I get to get my tattoo for my birthday!! Getting on my heel, maybe with a small fish somewhere on it, cuz my motto lately is "Just keep swimming...." :)

22 April 2010

we break in, break up...keepin' us a secret

I'm just a face for every picture, a smile for your scrapbook....

Sometimes I feel like that ^^^^. I really do. Some of my friends...when I finally open up and just kinda show how I've been feeling, they tell me to stop being such an "emo kid" and "cheer up for once".

The same people that tell me that I shouldn't smile so much, because it's verging on creepy.

Yeah, it's kinda not right of them, but...whatever. I put up with it.

I just...I wish I could always show that I'm not as strong as people think I am. Because I'm not. I'm not made of titanium, I'm just as fragile as any other teenage girl on the planet. I cry WAY more then I let people see, and some of them have seen me cry more times that I would like to admit to.

I wish I could be the strong person they think I am. Be as quirky and sweet and caring as I try to be.

But I'm not.

And I won't be; if ever it will take time.

You think you see me
And everything that you consider me
You think I'm more than you

You think you see me
Like the way I'm strong and stand by you
I am fragile too, I am fragile too
They think they know me
And everything that they consider me
They think I never cry

They are thinking
While they're making up their twisted lies
She won't mind, she is nice
~ Fragile, Kerli

21 April 2010

guess the movie... :)

you remind of the babe

the babe with the power

what power?

the power of voodoo

who do?

you do

do what?

remind me of the babe

colors rising, i'm forgetting where i've been

I just...I don't know.

We finally are talking (again, this up in the rollarcoaster, apparently). I still have no idea about the Paramore concert, I have wicked writers' block, and my allergies are acting up.

I don't mean to complain, but I'm just...blah.

You ever have those days (or weeks) where you just feel tired and you need a LOT of sleep? Yeah, that's me. What I would not give to be able to pause time, curl up in a pocket of it and get done what I need to and sleep some more. They say the most "successful" people sleep, on average, like 2.5 hours a night or something. I could never do that.

I'm rambling again, I know. But I am tired and sick and I almost just want it to be summer. Except I'd miss people.

He almost tackled me, and I was kinda scared
Then he said , "Oh, that one's from Eric!"

i gave gim a big and gentle hug to give you! not a "tackle hug"!....he messed up my order!!!

((Oh, how I love my friends))

i try to read between the lines...i want a simple explination

Thunder, BLG cuz I <3 them so very much

Did I mention that I'm sick of this?

I am.

I want everything to stop being stupid and just get back to normal. Where things don't suck and there's not this "Oh we aren't speaking, no wait, we are!" thing every day


Yesterday, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me, and today I stayed home from school to avoid him. I just got a call from my mom. Apparently, my friend's mom told her that my friend got suspended for shoving my ex's face into hot chili at lunch. I knew we were best friends for a reason. MLIA

20 April 2010

all i ever need is what i got with you

Just a quick thing: all my post titles are from the song I'm listening to as I type. Brownie points to anyone who can guess the song (without Googling it!)


So. Paramore. Might be a bust, he's being all "RAWR I hate you!" again, and I'm just ":/" about it all. I don't care. If we ever get back together, it'd be a while in the future. Maybe once he's figured things out, and I know who I am more. It's not going to be soon, and I think he's assumed that I'm going to "make a move" at the concert - which is why JJ has to be there for backup, I guess.

I'm not planning on it. ::shrug:: Never was, actually. This is the first I've heard of it.

Yeah, there's a part of me that still misses him. And everything we had. That's probably not going to change. But he means enough to me that I want him to stay in my life. Despite everything, he still matters to me. He's still one of my closest friends (yeah, says how great some of my other ones are).

"How did you get here, under my skin? Swore that I'd never let you back in. Should have known better."

19 April 2010

let it...die?

We had fire in our eyes
In the beginning I
Never felt so alive
In the beginning you
You blame me but
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't want to hear it anymore

I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't care about you anymore
We had time on our side
In the beginning we
We had nothing to hide
In the beginning you
You blame me but
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't want to hear it anymore

I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't care about you anymore

You say that I didn't try
You say that I didn't try
You say that I didn't try

I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try

I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore
I just don't care about you anymore

~Three Days Grace


Let's point out that A told me to look up these lyrics this morning, after telling me that we're pretty much not going to Paramore. Yeah, I'm pretty mad.

17 April 2010


I wrote this for the latest inkpop contest, but it's no where near done so I didn't enter it


I yawned, stretching luxuriously in the bed, sleepily wishing I wasn’t one of those wake-with-the-sun people. Flipping over onto my side, I grinned once I recognized the sight before me.

There he was. Eric. My Eric.

My angel.

He was snoring slightly, curled up on his side with the tips of his wings brushing the ground. Dark brown hair fell across his eyes, one arm thrown across them to block out the harsh, unforgiving light of the sun.

The blue comforter wasn’t even covering him, giving me a nice view of his rubber ducky pajama pants. My grin widened, remembering how I had given those to him last summer. It was his birthday, or at least the day we decided was his birthday, and he was finally seventeen. Two months before I would be, since we both knew he was older than me anyhow.

I didn’t feel ashamed, watching him in the early morning’s light. I never had.

He was my guardian angel, after all, and had seen every awkward and embarrassing moment of my life. Every heartbreak. Every tear that feel down my face.

It just happened that he ended up stuck in our world, and had enough energy to make his body mostly mortal so he could actually interact with the one person he knew.

That was when I was sixteen. Almost two years ago.

We’d spent practically every moment since then together.

It was strange, how easily I accept what he was. He could hide the wings when he needed to, but when it was just us he felt comfortable enough to leave them out. I loved that he trusted me that much.

I ran a lazy finger along his jaw line, tracing the contours of his face. He rumbled awake, giving me one of his heart-stopping smirks through sleep-hazed eyes. “Hey.”

“Hey yourself, sleepy head,” I whispered. “I didn’t want to wake you up, but we have to get down to school and…yeah.” I finished lamely. I couldn’t find the words to say what I wanted to, like usual.

“But you wanted to talk to me, and get a kiss or something?” he chuckled. “It amazes me every day that you take it all so in stride, Riana.”

“Yeah, well, it amazes me every day when I wake up and you’re really here. That you’re not just a dream.”

“Well, it’s been,” he paused a moment to think, doing calculations in the air, “one thousand and thirty some mornings, and I’ve been here every single one of them, so…I’d say you really don’t have a lot to be worried about. Me, on the other hand? Well, I have to be prepared that any day you’ll wake up and decide ‘This is ridiculous. It can’t be real’ and either throw me out or try to rip my wings off.”

“I would never do that!”

He grinned. “It’s always a possibility.”

I smacked his arm, rolling my eyes. “For someone else, maybe. Now, do you want breakfast or not?”

day of silence, night of noise

I had a blast yesterday. Met some people I know I will never forget, and realized somethings that are important to me. And did lots of fun stuff :)

^^^ Turn your volume up to hear. It's kinda quiet
Sorry about the quality, as well.
I did it on my phone

PS- The song is "Self Conclusion" by the Spill Canvas

14 April 2010

wanna see your face and know i made it home

Been listening to the Almost Alice soundtrack a lot lately. Mostly "Strange" by Tokio Hotel and Kerli, "Painting Flowers" by All Time Low, "Follow Me Down" by 3OH!3 and "The Posion" by The All-American Rejects.

Especially the last one. I don't know, it just...lifts my mood. Kinda. Makes me meloncholy and oddly happy and peaceful and relaxed. ::shrug:: I've needed that lately.

Lots of stuff coming up. My first AP test is in less than a month, the Paramore concert, I might be meeting the mayor of my town with my diversity group, and just the general craziness of life. I just wish I could stop time, find a few more hours in the day. Yes, I procrastionate, but at the same time I like relaxing, unwinding, watching shows like American Idol and Glee (omg, the season premire last night was ah-mazing! Doing "Gives You Hell"? YES!)

Well, I should go do some of that (and homework :P)

11 April 2010

outburst of emotional crap :P

Sorry about that last post, everyone. I've just been...well, me and A talked for the first time in a long while, and he explained everything and...It hurt, yeah, but I finally know where everything went wrong. And while it all sucks still, I have to move on.

So! It's the last day of Spring Break '10. I saw Where the Wild Things Are, Alice and Wonderland and Clash of the Titans. Went to the weirdest Chinese restaurant ever (there was a fly STUCK to the side of my glass). Got a WtWTA "Wild Rumpus" shirt, some awesome old Tripp pants and I'm getting my tickets to go see Paramore next month before my huge AP History test.

My One Act play got cancelled because half of our cast decided they couldn't be bothered to do it (even though a few were handed parts, didn't have to audition like the rest of us).

And...well, I can't think of anything else. Oh, Audra is staying over tomorrow. Sweetness.

Oh, and don't forget Day of Silence on Friday, everyone!

09 April 2010

and you'll fall down a hole

Mixtape #2 : Love Breakup Mix

I Must Be Dreaming ~ The Maine
This was my song for us. It was almost like someone had emptied my head and strung the extra bits together to make this song.

Jasey Rae ~ All Time Low
Before, the “Don’t waste your time on me” would have been because I didn’t think I deserved you. Now? It’s a simple “Don’t waste your breath and time telling me you’ll change, or that you’re sorry. Don’t get all dressed up and expect me to forgive you just like that.”

The Great Escape ~ Boys Like Girls
I get it now. I wish I would have sooner.

Contagious ~ Boys Like Girls
I listened to this whole song, really concentrated on the lyrics, after that day at the park. And it’s so incredibly fitting, and that in itself is annoying. Because it’s me, to a T.

Here We Go Again ~ Demi Lovato
It’s the volatile, rollercoaster relationship that we had. And what she says is how I feel – I try to stay so strong about it, but the moment I hang out with you and it’s so comfortable…I forget for a minute why I get so mad at you.

Fragile ~ Kerli
You don’t know any of it. So stop telling me you have me all figured out.

Turn It Off ~ Paramore
“And the worst part is before it gets any better we’re headed for a cliff. And in the free fall, I will realize I’m better off when I hit the bottom.” I’m still in the free fall part, and am just realizing how much better off I’ll be at the bottom.

Breakeven ~ The Script
Obligatory breakup song. Switch the genders, and there you have it.

Forever and Always [Piano Version] ~ Taylor Swift
Extremely important it’s this version. Conveys the emotion better.
But. This was me that first week. And the night I went to go make sure Hera was okay. Raining = crying. And I do still do that – think about the times when you said “Forever and always”. But you didn’t mean it, did you?

Letdown ~ This Providence
I wish I could say this to you and mean it.

Someone Wake Me Up ~ The Veronicas
Our story. Plain and simple. Except the “mutual” part.

All Again For You ~ We the Kings
Beach = park. Jumped the fence = all the good moments.

The Poison ~ All American Rejects
It’s a song about two people who are complete opposites. And how, even if you wanted to make this work, I would have to not go with you - “You take me with you if you could, but I wouldn't go / I guess sometimes we both loose our minds, to find a better road.”

07 April 2010

help! i need somebody. help! not just anybody...

So, inkpop is having a Supernatural Writing Contest that's up in ten days.

I need to write a short story (or 5) in those ten days.

Four ideas:
~werewolf girl and her pack
~Nephilim girl (half human, half angel)
~ Girl who "remembers" things from the future
(like older versions of herself send her memories?)
~ A fairy in love with an angel

I'm open to other ideas as well!

03 April 2010

all kids grow up...except one

You know that place between
sleep and awake?
That place where you can
still remembering dreaming?
That's where I'll
always love you,
that's where I'll
always be waiting.

~peter pan

02 April 2010

the party, part xxxii (32)

And, of course, get hurt she does.

Though they get grips on a tentative friendship, everything’s still there. Still in the forefront of their thoughts, still taking over every time they see each other. Doesn’t help that he brings up things from their past, the happiest times she’s still clinging to. He doesn’t feel anything like that anymore, after all, but it hurts her.

She has to let go of those memories so she can focus on the ones that will help her get past all of this. The moments when he would shut her out, when he would get so quiet that nothing she could do would help. The moments he would be downright nasty to her, and make her feel like she’d done something wrong – when, in reality, she’d done nothing at all. The times when he made her feel insignificant.

But those moments are hard to focus on.

Because of all the times when he made her feel vulnerable, untouchable, defenseless, invincible…a bundle of contradictions wrapped into one mess of a girl. The moments that pop into her mind when she’s on the edge of dreaming and can’t force them out. The times when she wanted to wrap them into a pocket of time and forget everyone else for just a short time longer.

He can’t stop at that, though. Of course not. No, he starts texting her best friend, and starts liking her. The best friend that liked him before he and our girl ever went out. That, apparently, hadn’t stopped even though she saw what he put our girl through.

Pretty low, huh?

So it all explodes, things get messy and complicated, and our girl doesn’t just lose him all over again – no, she ends up losing trust in BOTH of them. She won’t admit it, at least not to the best friend, but it’s going to take a whole lot of time before things ever go back to normal.

At least now, though, she’s starting to learn more about herself. She auditioned for One Acts, made it in; joined the school’s GSA; started dedicating more time to writing her novel; discovered a park by her house where she can go to think. Basically, finding out things that will help her become the “her” she desperately wants to be. Not this sniveling little ingĂ©nue she seems to have turned into these past months.

So…where will the next chapter see her?