27 June 2011

what am i s'posed to do, when the best part of me was always you?

It shouldn’t be this much to ask. To have you call me back, or at least not make it so I end up calling you three or more times before I give up. To not have to feel hopeless and helpless and generally just lost in every sense of the word.
I’m simple. I really, truly am. I like to know I can rely on you, especially on such simple a thing as calling me back.
I feel like I’m just something on the side for you. There when it’s convenient and when you want it, but when you don’t…well, then you just simply don’t. Then you simply just don’t answer the phone, don’t message me back, don’t do anything.
This is why I hate the distance. It would be one thing if I could come see you more, if there were more things we could do. But with a 25 mile distance (though not grand, admittedly) there is less and less I’m finding. Rides are trouble enough – neither set of parents wants even a weekly drive either way, much less both. It’s a hassle, and I understand that. But that shouldn’t be what keeps you away, should it?
All I seem to know is that, lately, all I do is hurt. I’m granted brief reprieve when you decide to answer your phone, or actually follow through with plans (which you always seem to have some flimsy excuse to have to cancel on me for).
I love you, but I do not love this.
And it kills me how much it hurts sometimes.

13 June 2011

will you let me stay a while?

I wish you could see yourself the way I do. All the planes and angles and curves of your face, your arms, your chest. All those places I have grown to know so fondly.

I wish you could look through my eyes, through my soul, see and feel all that I do. Maybe then you could understand. Maybe then you would be gentler on my heart.

03 June 2011

it's getting harder to believe in anything

I just don't know what to do. I'm sick and tired of getting left behind, of only being there when it's convienant, of getting left behind to sit in the hallway by myself.

I went to Alex's seminar to see him, to work on each others' stuff and spend the second to last seminar ever with him. But no. No, 7 minutes into it, he gets pulled off to practice. The guy could have told him last night, but he didn't, so I got to sit in the hallway by myself and look like a complete and utter loser.

I'm sick of it.

I'm always left behind, I'm always the second choice, I'm always the last one picked. But, hey, if you have some huge problem, guess who's the first person you come to, whether you know me that well or not.

I hate this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.