25 June 2009

Dear Internet...

Why are guys jerks? ((I apologize to those that follow this, I don't mean you.))

Why do they promise something, then go off and completely forget they ever promised? Or just brush it off with an "I'm kinda busy" text? -sigh- Simply put, he promised no broken promises.

I must be crazy, because I believed him.

peace out

ps - jetting off to viva Las Vegas tomorrow! Something to get my mind off of him, yeah?

22 June 2009

Train A-Way

The train station seemed even more ominous then usual as I heft my bags up the stairs. “Leila, do you really need this much stuff?” a voice behind me asked. Straggling behind me was my best friend, James, carrying my backpack and miming like he was going to fall down the stairs.

“Yes, Jame, I do. Do you have a problem?” I dared him to say something with the look in my eyes. Come on, James, prove me right. Ask me to stay.


I rolled my eyes. “And this problem would be…?”

He sighed, setting down the bag to come over to me. Taking my purse in one hand and my Subway bag in the other, he set them both on the ground, eyes never leaving my face. “I don’t want you to leave, Ley. Not now, not ever.”

I stepped closer to him, wanting nothing more than to hear the words I hoped were coming. “But…I have to take care of some stuff, you know that.”

He wrapped his warm arms around me. “Then let me come. Don’t leave me here. Stay, please, Leila.”

“I can’t. I’ve told you before,” I whispered through tears and my ever-thickening British accent.

“I don’t care. Take me with you, or please just stay. With me. You could move in, I don’t even care! We’ll share my flat, you don’t need to start paying rent until you’ve gotten yourself back on your feet…it’ll be great! London’s full of jobs. You’ll find some great little thing so you can just get paid to write in coffee shops or whatever you like.” The pleading in his eyes gave way to tears. “Please, please don’t leave me, Leila.”

I sniffled a bit against his shirt. “Mum said…”

“Oh, you know your mum just wants you to go home so she’s not all lonesome and boring by herself. Do you want to go back to Dorchester to live like that?”

Now, that’s a bit far, mate, I couldn’t help but think. “James, shut up.” And I kissed him square on the mouth. “Let’s go home, shall we?”

He just nodded mutely, picking up my sub and taking a bite.

20 June 2009

The Party, Part XII (12)

Concrete evidence comes up in regular conversation.

They’re just sitting in the swing, talking about everything and nothing, watching rain fall, when he says the one thing guaranteed to make her smile like a little kid in a candy store: “I really like you, too, you know,” he mumbled, lacing his fingers with her small ones. An electric smile flashed across her face and it’s all she can do to not erupt into nervous giggles.

The rain starts to get worse. “We should have maybe gone inside when we had the chance, huh?” she laughs, pulling her side of the towel closer with her free hand. It’s getting harder every passing second, but it seemed like either of them could care less about the rain falling all around them. They had that moment, tucked under a Spiderman beach towel, and that was enough.

She was content, even though she was freezing.

So they eventually make a mad dash back inside, ending up soaking wet. Well, our girl was – he had hogged the towel during the run in. Their time for the day is slipping away, and she wishes time would slow down for her. For them.

A quick game of Guitar Hero is squeezed in before he must leave. For once, she can beat him at something. No one can touch him when it comes to athletics and being a genius, but hand this girl a PlayStation controller and she’s unbeatable. Even though she’s got no sense of rhythm, it’s still more than he has.

But then the inevitable happens.

He has to leave. It’s pouring rain, and even though he says he’ll ride his bike, her mom pushes him into the car. “You can come get it soon, don’t worry,” she reassures as they both slip into shoes. Our girl can’t go. It breaks her heart, having to say goodbye.

He takes one look at her face and pulls her close. Intertwines their hands again, lifts her spirits, smiles that smile that she loves. “I’ll call later, okay?” She mutely nods, not trusting herself to not say the thousands of things she wishes she had the courage to say.

So…why did she wait all night by the phone for a call that never came?


Total side note, but today was my grandmother's 6oth birthday. If only she could have spent it with us...you get what I mean, Abby.

19 June 2009

The Party, Part XI (11)

The talking continues.

Conversation flows easily, and when she thinks about it later she realizes how crazy the topics are. It can go from The Great Zombie Debate to his past to the bakery she wishes to open to the plans his family has laid down for him, as easily as breathing. She doesn’t even care that he’s so busy – he still takes time out to talk to her. It’s (almost) enough to keep her satisfied.

Of course, she likes it better when she’s with him instead of just talking over the phone. Things are more intimate, and it’s easier to figure out what he means when he doesn’t say anything. And you can’t read palms over the phone. Or accidentally end up holding hands. Or wander through a cemetery until your parents worry. You can strengthen the connection, sure, but…well, she likes being around him.

He’s just amazing.

To and for her. Jokes around and is just the right balance of funny, teasing and serious. He knows when she needs him to listen and give honest advice and when he needs to make her laugh before she cries. They have their mock fights – especially because she knows he’s adorable and he refuses to believe it.

She cherishes the moments they spend together. They might be the best thing she has, and she’s terribly protective of them. It might sound terribly pathetic and odd, but she rests easier after talking to him. His voice is soothing; like a drug. It calms her, makes her laugh, makes her worry, makes her care.

But he doesn’t seem to know.

Though she sends out every signal and subtle hint she can, even flat out telling him, this guy just doesn’t seem to get what she means. Sure, he thinks he does, but there’s a difference between assumed meaning and true meaning. A huge difference. Monumental.

It’s okay, though. She’s okay, although it’s painfully obvious that she wants more. They talk about it a lot, but…our girl never really learned to be patient. Sure, she knows good things come to those who wait, but…whatever. She isn’t like that. She wants concrete evidence that this will last, will actually happen, and she’s terribly impatient.

If only you could fast-forward, just to see what happens, then return to the moment.

16 June 2009

Tossed Around

I lean against my locker, spacing out as I wait for him. It’s before classes and it’s early. Too early for thought or conjugation or anything else that requires effort. There are people all around, but I don’t pay attention.

One phrase bursts through my bubble of thought: “I love you.” Smirking to myself, I consider those mere 3 words, 8 letters.

Those words are tossed around so much – too much – and it makes things hard to believe. Friends yell it in the halls to one another, lovers whisper it in each other’ ears as they hold themselves together, its in the shy girl’s eyes as she watches him with someone else.

But how often in high school do you hear people say it and mean it? How often are they murmured like a prayer to the person you need to have hear you?

Not often.

Truth is, we’re all just lonely kids trying to figure out what love is. So, we think we find it, but we really haven’t. You can pick out those who have truly loved another with their heart and soul. They don’t toss the words out, but tentatively hand them out like pieces of their very essence to those they trust.

That’s how it should be.

The Party, Part X (10)

It’s summer.

She sits at home and types out her emotions, pouring her soul into the computer’s blank screen. The boy she thinks she fell for is still there and she couldn’t be happier about it. Her best friend has her own amazing guy, and it’s looking like this may be the best summer on record. Of course there are the ups and downs of life, but she takes them as best she can.

And she did jump. Took a huge leap of faith, and guess what? In his own special way, he caught her. They spend so much time just talking, whether in person or on the phone or through text, that it seems like they are each other’s tie to the world. In a lot of ways they are. He doesn’t have it the greatest, but that’s why she stays. And listens.

So why can’t he trust in her?

It’s complex, she knows, and that’s mostly okay with her. She just wishes that he would quite saying stupid things and trust her enough to tell her when things are getting tough. When he does, she listens and tries to lift his spirits. But when he’s distant…well, she worries.

Worries more than she’ll admit. He means so much to her and doesn’t even realize it. She tries to hide it, but she thinks he knows. Whatever. If she didn’t worry, who would? But that’s enough of that – she’s happy with him, whatever his emotional chaos is like. She’s content with just sitting in a swing and watching the clouds drag by with him.

She’s happy, and this time she believes it’s real.

Not like before, when she was just filling herself with empty emotions to try and pretend she was okay. No, this time it’s real. It’s really her own self, being happy. Kinda crazy, but that’s good. Some days she thinks people can tell just by looking at her that she’s in love. There’s a smile on her face that’s been hidden for a while and a twinkle in her eye that was presumed to be lost forevermore. She’s come out of her shell, and it’s all thanks to him.

He is…complex. Makes her feel so whole and so empty at the same time. So confused and so smart and so dumb. Everything and nothing. A simple smile can make her head start spinning and make her forget her own name. Simply put, our girl fell quite hard.

So how does she know if she means the same to him?

14 June 2009

10 June 2009


"I honestly haven’t had a bad day since I started talking to you"


dfhdkjnk fjijrlhskd opmwoyj p[wemt

I'm so happy!

09 June 2009

Just When It All Started to Go So Good...

...It all starts to go so bad.

Why do we care about those who ignore us and ignore those who care? Why can a simple backhand gesture or comment or action cause us to all go crazy?

What if it's really not worth it, and they were all right?

What if I need to be done, but I can't stop myself?

What if I really am falling?

[[[What if he doesn't catch me?]]]

02 June 2009

Crazy Carnival Ride

“Welcome to my little invention. It’s something I fondly refer to as the Love Maker. Yes, yes, it sounds silly and probably just some idiotic game made up for carnivals such as this. Well then, why don’t you try it?
“Simply put your head into this little cap and sit still. What, sounds too easy? Well, my dear, love is easy – it’s the people in it that make it complicated. Just sit tight. You might feel a slight pinch around your bellybutton, but I can assure you it’s nothing that will damage you permanently. Don’t look so shocked. I did make you sign a waver before you did this.
“Easy now! Even in pain you must keep as still as possible or your soul might be injured! Oh, I forgot to mention that part, didn’t I? You see, my machine searches your soul, heart and innermost thoughts to figure out who your perfect match is. To do so, you need to be completely still or you might suffer some rather odd side affects…
“Like what, you ask? Well, it can be as slight as a simple headache or upset stomach, or can get as severe as amnesia or a heart attack. Don’t give me that look! I did warn you beforehand! What, you want a refund? Sorry. I don’t give them out. If you notice the small print on the bottom of your waver form…yes, right there….it bluntly states that the ride operator can not and will not give out cash refunds. Actually, no refunds of any type. At all.
“Now, let’s see…only a few moments more, and then we’ll know. What? Oh, you want to know what happens once the machine finishes searching and calculating? That’s easy! Your dream person appears, of course! No, I can assure you I’m not making this up. You can believe it or not, but you certainly will in a matter of seconds.
“Wow, you sure know how to pick ‘em. Let’s see…a gentleman, smart, funny, sarcastic, environmentalist, animal lover, black hair, green eyes, avid sports player and fan…can your guy get any better?
“Here’s the kicker, hon – he’s mine now.”


Since I act in my spare time, I can't help but end up writing scripts and monologues. So, here's the most recent one. Written when I was bored and listening to the radio (Circus by Britney Spears came on) and this is the end result. Hope you like it. ^-^