the party, part xxxii (32)

And, of course, get hurt she does.


Though they get grips on a tentative friendship, everything’s still there. Still in the forefront of their thoughts, still taking over every time they see each other. Doesn’t help that he brings up things from their past, the happiest times she’s still clinging to. He doesn’t feel anything like that anymore, after all, but it hurts her.

She has to let go of those memories so she can focus on the ones that will help her get past all of this. The moments when he would shut her out, when he would get so quiet that nothing she could do would help. The moments he would be downright nasty to her, and make her feel like she’d done something wrong – when, in reality, she’d done nothing at all. The times when he made her feel insignificant.

But those moments are hard to focus on.

Because of all the times when he made her feel vulnerable, untouchable, defenseless, invincible…a bundle of contradictions wrapped into one mess of a girl. The moments that pop into her mind when she’s on the edge of dreaming and can’t force them out. The times when she wanted to wrap them into a pocket of time and forget everyone else for just a short time longer.

He can’t stop at that, though. Of course not. No, he starts texting her best friend, and starts liking her. The best friend that liked him before he and our girl ever went out. That, apparently, hadn’t stopped even though she saw what he put our girl through.

Pretty low, huh?

So it all explodes, things get messy and complicated, and our girl doesn’t just lose him all over again – no, she ends up losing trust in BOTH of them. She won’t admit it, at least not to the best friend, but it’s going to take a whole lot of time before things ever go back to normal.

At least now, though, she’s starting to learn more about herself. She auditioned for One Acts, made it in; joined the school’s GSA; started dedicating more time to writing her novel; discovered a park by her house where she can go to think. Basically, finding out things that will help her become the “her” she desperately wants to be. Not this sniveling little ingénue she seems to have turned into these past months.

So…where will the next chapter see her?

...blah

"Stop talk, talk, talking that blah, blah, blah...."

I'm bored around here. It seems like everything you can do, I've done. Everyone you can tolerate/do things with, I've found. I just want something...different, you know? The cliche hot new kid that comes to your school, you fall for each other, but it's something special and connecting and not just some stupid teenage romance.

Something soul-deep. Where they know you completely, more that you do, and they still accept you and love you with every bit of their heart.

::sigh:: Don't we all, though? Don't we all...

fs #1

Who are your bestfriends?


Me: Marina Thelen, Audra Arver, Austin Pickett and Paige Dhyne


I love you <3 (true story) -Audra

Me: True story? I love you too, Audra. <3

"Please don't go. I'll eat you up, I love you so."

So.

Again, seems I was wrong. I can't ever think things are going good and be right lately, can I?

He was going after my best friend. Sweet Marina, the person I have come to trust and rely on the most these past few months. And it sucks, because he knows she's liked him all year, and he's just "lonely".

And it's tearing us apart. Tentative friendship with my ex who is pretty much messing with me, my best friend who likes any guy that says they like her....

You know what? I'm done. Gonna take up parkour or something, not talk to people who annoy me, and just quit with all the drama.

Check out my formspring if you want to ask me random questions. I'll try to post them on here as well as my personal facebook.

mmmmmmmmmk...?

So, I guess it's all kosher on this end of the internet.

He randomly called me earlier to go hang out at the park, and it wasn't awkward or forced or anything. Sure, there are always going to be things that pretty much only we can tease each other about (and they'll always be a teensy bit awkward) but it's pretty amazing.

I'm kinda ticked that he was talking about me at lunch with Rina earlier and she convienatly "forgot" what he said. We both know she never deletes texts, so she still has it and could look. But whatever. I don't even know if I would want to know. Except I totally do, so...::shrug::

I guess things are looking up. Got a guy that seems to be interested in me, though I doubt anything will happen. I've known him since I started here, and he's like my adorable older brother or something. Not dating material. It's been really nice; sunny and not too unbearably warm. Perfect swinging or lazying about on a merry-go-round weather. :)

I want it to be summer, kinda. Or at least Spring Break. Though my plans to travel to Chicagoland are dashed away, I think I'll be spending it with my sisters just catching up on stuff. So that'll be fun.

I know I promised this would be more of a showcase blog for my writing, but with the book and everything, I just haven't had time to work on anything else. And I'm only about 20,000 words into, and not far into the plot AT ALL. >.<

So...wish me luck?

and that was the day that i promised i'd never sing of love

I'm done with dating for a while. I would say something like "until I get out of school", but I know that's not realistic. Things change. People change. And I'm not going to not date someone just because I swore I wouldn't anymore.

But I'm done chasing what shouldn't be chased.

It's hurting both of us, hurting the tentative friendship we have, and I know I need to get over it. It's getting ridiculous. Much as I hate to admit it, it really is.

I know I'm not going to get him back, so why do I keep trying?

contagious

And I know you think I'm crazy,

And I dress up like I'm four,
I don't do dinner and movies,
But, if I showed up at your door.

Would you give me one more minute,
The story's far from finished,
We could fill in all the pages.

[x]

I have had an amazing week so far. It's been 65 outside everyday, nice and sunny, discovered an awesome little park by my house with swings and merry-go-rounds....needless to say, I spent 4 hours there earlier with A.

Yeah, yeah, before you say it: after everything, I should be spending less time with him. But he's still one of my very best friends, and I still have a blast with him.

So...here's to hoping the rest of the week stays this awesome! :)